Being the sort of person others have often judged by appearance, I’ve always been careful not to reciprocate. I still remember the teasing by fellow students and the prejudgments of teachers when I was a fairly nerdy-looking child, complete with glasses, braces and unkempt hair (who grew up to be a fairly nerdy-looking adult, complete with glasses and unkempt hair, but sans braces). These judgments had both negative and positive consequences: other kids despised my nerdiness and teachers assumed that I was smart.
More recently, I’ve had dyed hair and a pierced nose, leading to all kinds of initial judgments from people. Granted, these recent appearance modifications were self-chosen. I could have stayed more normal-looking, insofar as is possible for me, and avoided others’ negative attitudes. I’ve never really wished to avoid these negative first impressions, since they usually reveal to me up-front people with whom I don’t want to have future contact. In effect, I’m able to use my own appearance as a weeding out process for acquaintances. I have little use for people who judge others based on appearance alone; I’m looking for deeper kinds of people in my personal life. Or at least I thought so.
This past week taught me that my pretensions of being nonjudgmental were a bunch of hooey. I became acquainted with someone I immediately disliked. He had a sort of mocking tone of voice and a way of standing and even sitting in a slouch that declared him a noncommittal loser. I managed to judge him in a matter of five minutes or less.
I was fortunate, though. A couple of days ago, he dropped me an intelligent and engaging note mentioning our meeting, and I realized how completely wrong my snap analysis had been. I find myself grateful to have a second chance with this person, even though he, of course, won’t know it’s a second chance. Thankfully, I didn’t say anything catty or dismissive in our initial meeting. I feel fortunate that I’ll be able to get to know someone who seems like a good person, even though his facade doesn’t exactly match his personality.
Even though this isn’t exactly a national or even a state current event, it’s forced me into an awareness that avoiding prejudice isn’t a one-time decision or concept. It’s something you actually have to work at 24-7. In fact, if you don’t constantly monitor your prejudices and thinking, you’ll be sure to fall into the trap of making snap judgments, even if you’re the most liberal-minded of people.
Of course, some folks don’t care about all this. That would be the more conservative-minded among us, i.e., people who would like things to be exactly as they were in the 1950s, “the good old days” when Cokes cost a nickel, people weren’t afraid to leave their doors unlocked at night, black folks were lynched regularly, women were looked down on if they worked outside the home, and life was generally good. These are the people who argue that judging people, even by appearances, is only natural, and that if you don’t want somebody to judge you by your appearance, then don’t look weird.
Their advice could have applied to me when I had my hair dyed and my nose pierced. Those were conscious decisions of mine, decisions that I knew would lead to a certain amount of judgment. Women who wear lots of make-up, men who wear lots of make-up and anyone who wears a T-shirt with a slogan or an image on it are all making conscious decisions about the way they will affect others. But there are plenty of aspects of one’s presentation not necessarily under conscious control. Aspects like skin color and gender leap to mind, but that’s not all. The person I met earlier in the week had slumped shoulders, but I don’t think this was a conscious decision on his part. More likely, he doesn’t think too highly of himself, which he unconsciously reveals through his posture. Other people who speak very little and keep themselves apart from others may appear snobbish and aloof, when in fact they are shy of being around other people.
I understand the argument that people choose how they come across to others, and I think it’s largely true. Who among us, however, can say that we monitor ourselves constantly? And what if people do make that choice? People’s appearance is still not a good measure of their inner worth.
And there are other benefits to being more open-minded. Personally, I find that I open myself to meeting more interesting people if I don’t allow myself to judge others based on appearances and immediate impressions. I like myself better when I don’t make snap judgments; and if I’m happy with myself and the way I treat others, then I find I can deal with the prejudice that others direct at me. It works both ways.
This article appears in Sep 4-10, 2002.
