You can hardly blame Iraqis for snickering a little when a massive blackout hit the northeastern United States last week. After all, they’ve suffered through their own blackouts in lingering 100+ degree heat, primarily as a result of having the Hell bombed out of their infrastructure by the liberators who never leave. That the rebuilding effort for anything not involving oil has turned out to be little more than an afterthought has not helped matters either.
Print and broadcast news all over the world was quick to run stories with tips from the streets of Baghdad on ways for Americans to beat the heat without the benefit of power. Their suggestions? Sleep on the roof, sit in the shade, buy blocks of ice, shower frequently, and (duh) get a generator. No shit, Shiite.
Fortunately, the office of Homeland Security offered a more imaginative solution. Within hours of the blackout, the existing Brave New War Homeland Safety and Security Kit(r) was amended to include, along with the standard issue plastic sheets and duct tape, a 500-mile long extension cord, available soon from your friends at Halliburton.
We need to use similar imagination to spur along Iraq’s reconstruction efforts. Rather than simply lining the pockets of Dick Cheney’s pals, maybe we should promote more direct Iraqi involvement.
In phase one, we make sure that every Iraqi household is wired for cable so they can watch (at least while the power is on) HGTV, DIY, and TLC instead of simply fixating on al Jazeera all the time. After all, there’s nothing like a stirring sermon from Plaster Pastor Bob Vila of the This Old House of Worship and Re-Wiring to get those fix-it juices flowing.
Once they get the remodeling bug, phase two involves air-dropping millions of Home Depot and Lowe’s gift cards across the country. This way, we still pay for the stuff we blew up, but the Iraqis get used to weekly and then daily trips to the hardware store. Once Home Depot and Lowe’s get established, can Wal-Mart be far behind? And what do greeters at Wal-Mart do? They hand out smiley face stickers. We’ve then transformed pissed off extremists into happy Wal-Mart shoppers. Game, point, match.
After that, envision a sweeps week Trading Spaces special featuring Iraq and Afghanistan. Or maybe one of Saddam’s palaces on While You Were Out. Give it three months tops and we replace Paul Bremer with Jesse James, the results-oriented host of Monster Garage. Not only will the power be on, we’ll have an entire fleet of Humvees that do wheelies.
OK. So while it may not be the best plan ever, you’ve got to admit it’s at least more thought out than the post-war plan the Bushies came up with.
This article appears in Aug 20-26, 2003.
