The city suffered through a nightmare week in the grip of unrelenting terror — just as W. & Co. said we would. It all started when the Bush administration decided the best way to deal with growing concerns over their mishandling of pre-9/11 warnings was to scare the hell out of everybody.
“Saddam Hussein has a million weapons of mass destruction!” screamed Donald Rumsfeld.
“Are you kidding? Better make that two million,” countered Condaleeza Rice.
But it was Dick Cheney who won the Panic Contest by warning that “Deadly terrorists could strike anyone, anywhere, at any time. They’re everywhere. Look, there’s one behind you. . . .oops, too slow, he got away. But you see what I mean? They’re everywhere! I demand that you live in fear, starting right now!”
President Bush explained, “Huh? What are they talking about now? I can’t keep up with all this evil.”
Soon, the Bushies’ predictions started coming true at an alarming pace in Charlotte. A pair of alleged terrorists went on trial in Charlotte, accused of selling terrorist cigarettes and sending the ill-gotten terrorist money to a terrorist group in Lebanon. Mayor Fratboy, beside himself with the world-class implications of real, live terrorists in Charlotte, requested a full US Army division to protect the courthouse, but had to settle for a few FBI guys with rifles. Still, it was terrorism — right here! Top that, New Orleans.
No sooner had the trial begun than word came that former NBA star Larry Bird was interested in bringing a pro basketball team to Charlotte. Immediately, all talk of springing for a new baseball stadium in Southend disappeared into thin air, as if it’d been kidnapped — by terrorists! Not only was the baseball venue held for ransom by the NBA, but as soon as city “leaders” began bending over at the mention of Larry Bird, citizens found themselves terrified by the prospect of seeing property taxes used to plug any arena-related spending gaps.
By now, terror was running amok throughout the city. Tryon Street was closed for blocks by roving bands of suicide drinkers, completely disrupting downtown’s tradition of silent weekends. Many of these same terror-boozers were later seen on Sunday as they moved north and occupied the Speedway, screaming their approval for high-speed, life-endangering weapons of mass destruction on wheels.
Late in the week, while no one was looking (or so they hoped), a group of terrorists posing as the county school board dragged the concepts of open discussion and public accountability out into an alley and shot them in the head. Afterward, they gave resigning school superintendent Eric “My heart’s in Charlotte” Smith a big fat bonus and pretty much decided on a replacement for him without going through the inconvenience of a public debate, i.e., democracy. Now that’s some real terrorists.
Charlotte Observer Headline of the Week: “Magnesium is the mineral that that makes all else work”. . . .and apparently makes you stutter. *
This article appears in May 29 – Jun 4, 2002.
