President Bush’s “Coalition of the Willing,” widely criticized for being little more than a list of B-team countries who’ve agreed to accept our bribes (Croatia, Micronesia, Latvia, etc.), got a big credibility boost last week with the addition of an impressive list of new members – namely, (true story) 2000 monkeys from Morocco, some Navy-trained dolphins, and several flocks of pigeons. That’s right, the AK (Animal Kingdom) has joined forces with the UK and US.The government of Morocco offered 2000 monkeys that have been trained in detonating landmines; we leave it to readers to speculate as to what the “training” for a 2000-monkey landmine detonation team might consist of. This offer did not come without controversy. For several days, the streets of Casablanca were filled with thousands of organ grinders protesting their loss of livelihood.
The US military, meanwhile, flew trained dolphins to Iraqi ports to sweep for underwater mines. The US Navy has trained the Atlantic bottlenose dolphins to use their superior sonar and eyesight to search seabeds, identify mines and then mark them for disposal by humans. This program, which dates back to the Vietnam War, has worked well, except for a handful of smart-ass dolphins who continue to mark false spots, then communicate back to their handlers that, “Timmy has fallen down the well.” These particular dolphins have since been reclassified as Moroccan monkeys and are in the process of being re-deployed.
Finally, Coalition ground forces are using pigeons to serve as warning alarms for chemical and/or biological attack. This is similar to a method used by early coalminers to warn of deadly, odorless mine gasses. The canaries, which were more sensitive to the deadly fumes, would die and thus warn the miners to get out. Pigeons are being used by the military rather than canaries as the canaries’ Vietnam era conscientious objector status has been ruled to still be valid.
Dolphin Update: According to a report in the Times of London, one of the American minesweeper dolphins may have defected this weekend. Takoma, a veteran 22-year-old Atlantic bottlenose dolphin, went out on his first Iraqi mission late last week but was nowhere to be found 48 hours later. The fight for freedom, apparently, goes on.
This article appears in Apr 2-8, 2003.
