It’s very difficult to compare same-sex couples and heterosexual couples, particularly when trying to determine which are better at developing loving, lasting relationships that can lead to successful marriages. As I mentioned in last week’s column, we have no real statistics on how long gay couples stay together compared to their heterosexual counterparts. So how can any sane person make the common argument that the divorce rate would increase if gay marriages were legalized?
Do gay couples break up at a high rate? Sure they do — and so do heterosexual couples. And, because I know of so few gay couples who’ve been together for longer than five or ten years, I would dare say they probably break up at a higher rate. But then again, few heterosexual couples who live together without marrying are reaching five and ten-year anniversaries, either. But I can think of countless traditionally, and legally, married couples who’ve been together five, ten, even over 50 years — and happily.
To me, that alone answers some key questions: The famous “piece of paper” does matter, or else no one would ever refer to marriage as a “right.” People are people, and we have a right in this country to pursue our own happiness. You would think that would include gays getting married.
I’ve never understood why it’s even such a major issue. We don’t seem to care how many times heterosexual couples are married and divorced, so who cares if gays do the same thing? What is it about any gay marriage that is going to prevent any heterosexual couple from living their lives exactly as they choose? How can any gay marriage prevent even the most homophobic bigot from keeping and practicing his own beliefs? And please don’t say that it’s just because you have to “see it” — there are plenty of goings-on in this country that offend me on a daily basis, but this is America, and just about everything falls under freedom of speech or the right to privacy.
It wasn’t that long ago that there were laws in this country to prevent interracial marriages; now the issue is same-gendered couples. The moral question should be: Do we have a right to dictate and regulate sexual practices between two consenting adults who have chosen to build a life together?
Gay people already live together as couples; they sometimes even have children, bring them to school in their SUVs, run businesses, accumulate wealth, and attend festivals, concerts, and events like every other couple. So why not give them the legal right to have themselves declared a legal, married union — if only so each person has his or her personal interests protected under the law?
I wonder if mainstream society even considers the distinct psychological factors at work in gay relationships before they deem those relationships “unstable.” Of course, my examples below will never encompass every person or every couple — but give me a little latitude here to make a point.
People can say all they want about the gay-club scene being filled with prowling men looking for sex, but the truth is, it doesn’t vary much from any frat house you’ll find at UNCC either, or Bar Charlotte on “College Night.” You put any group of men together, be they gay or straight, add alcohol, and you have an overabundance of testosterone that reaches a toxic level. By nature, a bunch of horny guys in a room will gravitate toward someone to take to bed. The only difference is the straight boys go for the girls, and the gay boys, well, go for the gay boys.
Men have never had a negative social stigma from having sex with the freak-of-the-week; society not only tolerates it, but also turns a blind eye to it. Women, on the other hand, are never supposed to admit to one-night stands and are deemed “used” if they’ve had sex with a lot of men — while men will continue to date the sluts, but still search for that fabled untouched virgin to marry.
Contrary to the familiar, or at least expected, pattern among gay men, lesbians are well known for their ability to maintain relationships. For instance, most of the gay couples I know who’ve been together longer than 10 years are women. There is, in fact, an old lesbian joke that goes, “What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul.” You can laugh, but even lesbians will tell you they do tend to form strong bonds quickly, because by nature, women are communicators and aren’t afraid of talking about their emotions — which seem to be the key elements in making any type of relationship work.
If anything, gay couples need to be given a lot of credit — many of the relationships and partnerships that stand the test of time frequently do so with almost no support from other family members; they remain hidden from their co-workers; they face discrimination and enormous social pressures. If there were any level of comparative problems for heterosexual unions, I seriously doubt many of them could survive. The majority of gay couples also don’t have the ultimate trump card that continues to keep thousands of heterosexual couples out of divorce court — children. But then some do. But that’s another column.
This article appears in Oct 9-15, 2002.