Some men really need to be relieved of the self-consciousness that afflicts the lesser endowed of the male gender. The person that dared to contradict “Size doesn’t matter” with “Oh yes, it does!” forgot that the phrase may apply to men’s bank accounts, but it certainly doesn’t involve the size of his, um, manhood.
I, along with most women, look back on past lovers and we can instantly remember who we were the most in love with, who we thought was the best-looking, which man we wished we were still with, the one that gave us the best relationship, and who was the best lover . . . but I cannot recall for the life of me who had the smallest or the largest penis.
I ran this idea past several girlfriends, and we all came to the same conclusion: The only people who are obsessed with the size of a man’s penis — are other men.
I’ve never seen another gender — well, then again there are only two — more obsessed with their private parts than men. Men will pull on their crotch while looking you straight in the face during a casual conversation about the weather. Hell, Michael Jackson made crotch grabbing famous, even cool, and we all see where that path led him.
Men even make up pet names for their special little friend. I’ve often heard guys refer to it as “Mr. Happy,” “Johnson,” “My Boy,” and the list goes on. They love talking about it, and talking to it, and some have trouble keeping their hands off it during daytime hours. The way some men treat it, I’ve often wondered if a penis is really a sex organ, or just a stunted Siamese twin that’s all id and ego.
Many of us have heard horror stories about boys’ locker rooms in high school, the mutual inspections and criticism from other young men. Does the penis-size comparison contest really start this early?
I once dated a guy in high school — I’m still friends with him to this day — who eventually admitted to me that he remained a virgin until he was 20 — not because he was waiting for the right woman to come along, but because during his teens, he would sneak and watch his father’s porno films and was convinced that all men were as well-endowed as porn stars. It made him so self-conscious, he was paralyzed with fear to venture into a first sexual encounter; the chance was too great that he’d be mortified and scarred for life if he was laughed out of bed by some girl. He may have been scarred for life anyway.
Well, to all you men I say: size doesn’t matter — and the lesbian population alone has proven that you can live without a penis in your life — not, er, that I would recommend it.
What does piss women off the most are men who don’t pay attention in bed, and worry more about their own sexual gratification than that of their partner. You don’t really hear too much about women who just “roll over and play dead.” However, men are famous for the “roll over and go to sleep” act that usually comes about 90 seconds after they do. Sex experts have come up with some lame excuse that men are “overwhelmed with the urge to sleep” and can’t control it. Come on, guys! Where’s your sense of adventure?
Meanwhile, society is riddled, or rather plagued, with the idea that the ultimate insult you can give a man is that his manhood was less than adequate.
Guys, the truth behind most of these insults — what women mean when they throw out these slams — is that you and the way you conducted yourself in the relationship, and not your penis, are the problem. But women instantly grab at the small penis insult when they’re angry because they know your penis represents the essence of how you define yourself. Therefore, it’s only natural, not to mention easier for them, to attack your penis instead of you.
I don’t recall any issue of Men’s Health magazine saying that men break up with women because their boobs are too small, or that their vaginas don’t offer enough “spring back” during sex. However, women won’t resist the temptation to slam a man’s penis whenever the mood strikes them.
Every social circle always has that one male friend who’s a bit on the nerdy side, the one who always has this hot little number for a girlfriend — who actually sticks around. OK, admit it, you’ve seen his “package” while you were showering after a workout at Gold’s, and made note that you were a little more well-endowed than he. So what gives?
Evidently, your friend does. What this guy has learned to do is to work with what he has. Call it the positive reinforcement of the penis — your friend may not have amazing personal equipment, but there’s a good reason why he’s always dating or in a relationship. Does he treat women better? Maybe, maybe not, but historically speaking, the famed Casanova always put women first, and definitely ahead of himself during sex. That was his secret to keeping women coming back for more. Casanova was legendary for being a great lover, but no history books say a word about how large his penis was.
So chin up, guys, and rest assured that the sinful truth is that the average size of a male’s penis is a monstrous 7 1/2″. Women may dream about a lover with the big footlong, but the truth is, if she’s dead set on finding that elusive lover, she’ll have to look deeper than the less-than-two-percent of the male population who sports that kind of, um, statistic. The odds are in your favor.
This article appears in Sep 11-17, 2002.
