Chuck Shepherd appeared to be getting too close to his subject matter and thus needs about three more weeks off. Before he left, he picked out some golden oldies to tide you over.
Too much information: According to a 1996 Seattle Times feature, Robert Shields, 77, of Dayton, Wash., is the author of perhaps the longest personal diary in history — nearly 38 million words on paper stored in 81 cardboard boxes covering the previous 24 years in five-minute segments. Example: July 25, 1993, 7 a.m.: “I cleaned out the tub and scraped my feet with my fingernails to remove layers of dead skin.” 7:05 a.m.: “Passed a large, firm stool, and a pint of urine. Used five sheets of paper.”
Least competent people: Joseph Kubic Sr., 93, was hospitalized in Stratford, Conn., in 1999 after he tried to punch an additional hole in his belt by hammering a pointy-nosed bullet through it. The bullet fired, ricocheted off a table and hit him in the neck. Tim Ekelman, 33, was hospitalized in Hamilton, Ontario, in 1998 with a collapsed lung, a sliced throat and voice-box damage after he, believing there was nothing to it, attempted to swallow a friend’s 40-inch-long sword. (A professional sword swallower interviewed by the Hamilton Spectator said he would never stick a sword down his throat without first dulling the edges.) Said Ekelman’s girlfriend, “I love him with all my heart, but what a jerk.”
Clichés come to life: According to a doctor’s experience reported in the December 1997 issue of the journal Biological Therapies in Psychiatry, a 35-year-old female patient receiving a traditional antidepressant was switched to bupropion, supposedly just as effective but without her regular drug’s side effect of inhibiting orgasm. “Within one week, her ability to achieve orgasm and her enjoyment of sex had returned to normal,” the doctor wrote. “After six weeks, however, she experienced (spontaneously, without physical stimulation) a three-hour orgasm while shopping.”
Lawyers being lawyers: The Times of London reported in 1997 that when an employee of the James Beauchamp law firm in Edgbaston, England, recently killed himself, the firm billed his mother the equivalent of $20,000 for the expense of finishing up his office work. Included in that amount was a bill for about $2,300 to go to his home to find out why he didn’t show up at work (thus finding his body), plus about $250 to go to his mother’s home, knock on her door, and tell her that her son was dead. (After unfavorable publicity, the firm withdrew the bill.)
Surprise, surprise: Diane Parker accompanied her husband, Richard W. Parker (who had been accused of drug trafficking), to federal court in Los Angeles for a hearing in 1998. According to friends, Diane was such a believer in her husband’s innocence that she had come prepared to put up her investment property and her mother’s townhouse to make Richard’s bail. When the prosecutor recited to the judge facts about Richard’s double life that included a mistress and a safe house, however, Diane’s expression changed dramatically within the space of a few minutes. According to a Los Angeles Times account, she removed her wedding ring with a flourish, walked out of court, quickly drove to an Orange County office where the mistress worked, and punched her several times before being restrained.
Compelling explanations: Portland State University library employee Mary Joan Byrd, 61, admitted in 1997 that she had taken more than $200,000 over the years from the school’s copy machines. According to student newspaper The Vanguard, she asked for leniency on the criminal charge against her (i.e., stealing from the state of Oregon) based on the theory that she was just temporarily using the money. That is, according to her, she spent almost the entire amount she took to feed her habit of playing Oregon’s government-sponsored video poker machines, and since she never won, the state got all its money back.
2004 CHUCK SHEPHERD
This article appears in Aug 4-10, 2004.
