Many believe that 2012 is the year of Armageddon. The Mayan calendar ends in December, there are rumors of a zombie apocalypse bubbling on the East coast due to a string of flesh-eating incidents, and there are hourly hillbilly threats of bloody revolution if Obama gets re-elected in trailer parks all over the southeast.
I agree that we are on a path to destruction this year, but not because of fanatical politics, zombies or solar flares. No, no. I believe that the imminent demise of the human race will prove to be a direct result of the 50 Shades of Grey book trilogy by author and probable antichrist E.L. James.
50 Shades is the story of ingénue Anastasia Steele, a college student who is the personification of the moth, aware but tragically drawn to the flame – the flame being one Christian Grey. Christian is a wildly attractive and successful entrepreneur. A billionaire before the age of 30, he has serious stalker tendencies, deep-seated mommy issues and a dark need to be in complete control of everyone and everything. As a result of this personality cocktail, Christian is a self-proclaimed sadist who contractually takes women with physical likenesses to his crack whore biological mother as his submissives , thus allowing him the liberty to beat the hell out of them with various objects, tie them up in what sound like highly uncomfortable positions, and “fuck them” senseless.
Not immediately alarming or terribly far removed from the loose plot of many low budget pornographic films, right?
The content of 50 Shades isn’t a call for Jihad or the vehicle to inexplicable death within seven days of exposure, like the VHS from The Ring, but the side effects from ingesting this text are far more hazardous than anyone could have imagined. These books are the nuclear bomb of our generation. This entirely new brand of evil should not be taken lightly.
The apparent allure of this so-called “mommy porn” is that it provides women with an outlet to take dives into the darker side of sexuality, more suited to the needs of the female psyche. Most women don’t enjoy porn to the extent that men do because there are unrealistic expectations for both aesthetics and “performance.” The majority of women do not look (or sound) like porn stars, nor can we deep throat a Febreeze can, so the visual throws us off. This book, however, allows the female mind to be swept away into its own perfect fantasy, manufacturing imagery according to each individual’s erotic taste. What I stress here is that it has gone entirely too far. The price of allowing these books to continue to peregrinate is far beyond what we can afford to pay. As one person put it, “the entirety of the female population is quickly devolving into 13-year-old boys!” If this isn’t disquieting, I don’t know what is. Thirteen-year-old boys are assholes.
The tell-tale signs of an impending epidemic have been evident via social media for months. There has been rampant talk of bondage and late nights spent under the covers with e-readers or flashlights trying to get “fixes” (brain-washed addict lingo for one more page). As the word spread via Facebook and Twitter, so did the wave of ramifications. I’ve watched horrified as many friends and family members, normally sane and reasonable individuals, have fallen prey to the hype and consequential crack equivalent addictive mind-rape that is a result of reading but a few words of this insidious literary threesome. Typically doting mothers becoming neglectful and indolent. Professional and driven women across the nation calling out of work to sit at home and inject themselves with their vice. Intellectuals allowing their legitimate book collection or that documentary that they recently rented to collect dust in order to immerse themselves in 800+ pages of a broken record that perpetuates negative stereotypes. I know one victim, a former friend before that fateful visit to the airport bookstore, who has been wearing the same lounge pants and T-shirt for four days.
Daughters, sisters, girlfriends, wives, best friends, and even grandmothers are rejecting any and all social invitations in order to fuel their degrading illness. In fact, since these books were published, affirmative RSVPs have decreased 68 percent across the board. Many venue, restaurant and hot spot owners are now concerned that people will stop gathering altogether.
“We had a party last weekend where the birthday girl didn’t even show up because she was just getting to the part in 50 Shades Darker where they start to explain why Christian Grey hates being touched. I’m not sure what that means, but I do know that no one likes a sausage party. Men don’t go out to sword fight with their dicks … they go out to meet girls. Fuck those books,” said one local night club owner who has chosen to remain anonymous due to safety concerns.
Statistically, these books are having more of a profound negative impact on authentic human connection than all online social networking sites combined.
Additionally, women who have been exposed to 50 Shades are unpredictable and aggressive. They should be approached like wild bears. These women have immersed themselves into an alternate reality where they are given unsolicited expensive gifts, jobs that don’t align with their merit, and unimaginably yummy sex every five pages. They are delusional, confused and, quite frankly, a danger to themselves and others.
A male friend of mine recently confided how his wife’s addiction has affected their relationship. “I am terrified to go upstairs when I know she’s been reading. Frankly, she scares the shit out of me right now. I’m not a piece of meat, ya know? I only have peace when I’m at work or manage to slip Nyquil into her Champagne. Yeah, she’ll only drink champagne now.”
Stories like this are becoming more and more prevalent. At this point, 1 in 4 American men will be a victim of 50 Shades-related impractical financial expectations or sexual assault in their lifetime and more than 90 percent of these acts will be committed by women whom the victims are in committed relationships with.
Please encourage your friends and loved ones to just say no. There are alternatives, and they don’t have to succumb to the temptation of the supposed “high.” Options for consolatory activities include exercise, starting to smoke cigarettes, art projects, writing emails to all ex-boyfriends, building a house of cards, watching all of the episodes of Vampire Diaries back to back, pole dance classes, re-reading Eat, Pray, Love, and black tar heroin. Anything but these books. The few of us who haven’t yet been compromised must do our part to educate others on the peril of 50 Shades of Grey … before it’s too late.
If you or someone you love is currently coping with 50 Shades addiction, please contact one of the nationwide support groups. Use caution as to not accidentally affiliate yourself with a book club. When dealing with a loved one who is in the throes of reading, please remember to never interrupt with talking and under no circumstances should you ever threaten or touch the reading material as you will likely be brutally murdered.
Megan Henshall is a project coordinator by day, favorite child, rollerskating enthusiast, blogger, and lover of all things social and under appreciated. For more writing/ramblings/rants visit www.dearsuchandso-keyboardventing.blogspot.com.
This article appears in Jun 27 – Jul 3, 2012.
Oh if you had only posted this a few days ago. The laundry lays in piles, children have had to fend for themselves and the animals have gone to the neighbors for attention perhaps forever. What’s worse is that I am suffering complete Christian withdrawal and would sell said children for one more book.
WOW.
I will start by saying that I have not read the book, so I cannot speak to that regard. However, I am a female — a successful, happy, level-headed, grounded — who watches porn, and likes to play with varying degrees of BDSM, although admittedly not to any extreme levels.
What I’ve come to say is this. I understand if you are not into it. Sure, why not. I get it. Some things click with a person, and others don’t.
But what I do want to say is how judgmental you are towards women and men who are into these kinds of roleplay fantasies and actions, especially when you consider that (from the sounds of it) you have never had this type of emotional and sexual connection, and therefore cannot speak from a first person perspective.
It makes me sad when I see people, women in particular, slut-shame others merely because they have a different approach which ultimately leads to the same conclusion: sexual and emotional joy and pleasure.
Please, if you are going to use unstable women to illustrate your point, that is not fair, as anyone who is unstable is obviously not to be taken into the same consideration as a healthy, happy, and stable person. A crackhead is a crackhead. A crackhead who does something they don’t want to do to score a quick fix is not the same as a professional woman who sits down and has discussions about her sexual preferences with her partner and then puts them into motion together as a union.
Perhaps it’s ’cause your from the south — I don’t know this, just basing this on the paper’s location. But I think even moreso, in a place in the country where I think women are more quick to be judged on their sexual liberties is especially the place where maybe they need the most encouragement to be themselves and secure with that. Especially considering this is an alt-paper.
PS – You know, someone else (someone, I think, very similar to yourself) would slut-shame you for this desire:
http://clclt.com/bangtown/archives/2012/05…
But it’s important to you and your being, right? Not to do amateur night, but to be free to be you? That’s what I thought.
This article was amazing! I’m lmfao right now. My ass literally fell off I laughed so hard. It’s all true. Reminds me of the John Carpenter movie, In the Mouth of Madness, except the insane axe murderers are replaced with insane cock-hungry women.
This article was amazing! I’m lmfao right now. My ass literally fell off, I was laughing so hard. It’s all true. Reminds me of the John Carpenter movie, In the Mouth of Madness, except the insane axe murderers are replaced with insane cock-hungry women.
Dear “WOW.”
Where do I even begin regarding your long-winded, pretentious, diatribe?
Are. You. Kidding?
Get down off your women’s lib soapbox for a second and have a sense of humor. This chick writes a column called “BANGTOWN”… I’m pretty sure she’s not judging women based on their sexual liberties. She’s simply poking fun at this poorly written, ridiculous literary bandwagon that is running away with the minds of women everywhere; to the detriment of their daily activities, relationships, lives etc. At no point in this article does she pass judgment on the lifestyle. It’s a clever, snarky, satirical commentary on a book; nothing more, nothing less.
You on the other hand Judge-y McJudgerson are making blanket statements like “especially when you consider that (from the sounds of it) you have never had this type of emotional and sexual connection.” And my personal favorite “perhaps it’s ’cause you’re from the south.” Uh, that sounds judgmental as shit. So put a dick in your hypocritical mouth and suck it…make sure you caress the balls.
I mean, what part of this article leads you to believe you know anything about the sex life of the writer??? I actually think when describing the allure of this book for women, she hits the nail on the head.
Oh, you watch porn? Awesome. So does everyone else, but as those of us who watch porn know; it isn’t typically made to satisfy the fantasies and desires of women. This book however, hits the proverbial g-spot. It is geared toward the unexplored desires of the female psyche. Making it like crack to women everywhere. Women are the fabric of society so if they are distracted by Christian Grey the world is going to go to shit…hence the title. That’s the point here. She’s in no way implying that these people are sexual deviants, akin to crack heads and this book will be the impetus to their takeover. They’ll start spilling into the streets bringing an end to civilization as we know it. She’s just making some jokes about a book.
On a personal note dear, if you feel “slut-shamed” it’s only because deep down you have some unresolved “slut-shame.” It’s certainly not because some anonymous, female, writer comically denounced the cultural phenomenon that is this ridiculous book.
I dig BDSM and this article made me giggle. I don’t find this offensive because I’m not E L James. You know, for someone who is such a self-proclaimed sexual liberal you don’t seem very secure with your shit. I say this because as someone who is entirely comfortable with my sexual choices and preferences, you couldn’t slut-shame me if you tried. There is no such thing – because there is no shame in my game. My Caqatholic grandmother couldn’t slut-shame me. Why you ask? Because I know that enjoying anal or whips or bondage or girls or the occasional slap to the face doesn’t make me a slut…it just makes me awesome in bed.
Sadly, you seem to be one of those people clamoring for any excuse to mount your high horse (this is not a sexual innuendo) and point your fancy suede whip around telling others how judgmental they are, when in truth you’re the one judging and oppressing everyone.
Do me a favor and re-read the article, this time without the stick (or dildo or whatever you’re into) in your butt. You’ll start not an article about people’s sexual preferences. I assure you this girl (whom I know personally) encourages women to open their collective sexual minds and experiment. Ms. Henshall is actually one of the most open minded people I’ve ever met and just about everyone she knows can attest to that. This girl has on more than one occasion picked me up from a promiscuous, BDSM fueled, one-night stand; only to high-five me and hand me an egg mcmuffin.
You have no idea what you’re talking about.
I am pretty sure this book could be made into a comedy flick with very little adjustment. I really didn’t get what the big deal was and had trouble finishing the 1st book, so it is safe to say I won’t be reading anymore. But, I am 56 now and view sex through a menopausal haze – not that big of a deal anymore. Kissin’ don’t last, cookin’ do. So work on those skills young ladies. And Wubbz – I am hoping the last paragraph is mostly false – except for the egg mcmuffin part (love, your mother)
Nice job Ms. Henshall – tell it like it is.
There are so many substantive reasons for disliking this book, it’s a shame Megan reach for a few of them instead of the standard “I’m opposed to those things enjoyed by the masses” generalizations.