9/11 al-Qaeda plans for Charlotte revealed!

Don’t let the police fool you. They know something you don’t, but that you’re about to find out. Many people may have laughed or scratched their heads when the police announced that they’re “ramping up” for the 9/11 anniversary. “Ramping up for what?” some asked. “Islamic terrorists attacking Charlotte? You gotta be kiddin’ (laughing). (Laughing louder) Ooh, that’s a good one. . .(chortling). Sounds like somebody has delusions of grandeur.”

Don’t be so sure about that. The police say they’re not aware of any specific threats, and not to worry. But we know otherwise. You don’t assign police helicopters to fly over the light rail line for nothing. Heck, some cops will even “periodically ride the light rail line”! Same with bomb-sniffing dogs at the airport, and patrols out in the county. You know damned well the police wouldn’t put on an expensive show just for the sake of P.R., now would they?

As if to prove our suspicions correct, a confidential police department source told us yesterday that Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department (CMPD) was approached last month by the CIA, which gave local police a transcript of a recording confiscated from Osama bin Laden’s house. Here’s a part of that transcript, which is a record of an April 2011 conversation between bin Laden and a top aide, Sheik Yass, on the subject of attacking the U.S. on the 10th anniversary of 9/11.

Osama bin Laden: OK, that takes care of the major cities; anything else on the agenda?

Sheik Yass: Yes, remember, Your Magnificence, we talked about Charlotte, North Carolina.

OBL: Oh yeah, I forgot. You sure your intelligence is good there?

SY: I’m confident, Your Eminence. There are two or three very important targets in Charlotte — more than in any “smaller” city in the whole Land of Satan.

OBL: You’ll have to convince me before I OK spending dough to pop someplace in bumfuck North Carolina.

SY: Oh no, Your Prophetness, it’s not bumfucked at all. It’s the second-largest banking industry city in America, er, Land of Satan.

OBL: Hmm. Tell me more.

SY: Here’s the plan, Your Worshipitude. The key to the city is the crucial light-rail line. It links to a big transportation center that’s close to the big banks, so we’ll hijack a light-rail car, take it to one of the banks and take all their evil Jew money — like in Bonnie & Clyde.

OBL: Bonnie and Clyde hated Jews, too?

SY: I don’t know. I just meant we’d rob the banks like they did, Your Grotesquerie.

OBL: Why don’t you just blow them up?

SY: Well, Your Holy Terrorness, you remember that explosives shortage we talked about?

OBL: Oh yeah. Crap.

SY: Not to worry, Your Fist-of-Allahness, we have other important Charlotte places where we can use smaller packages of holy explosives. First, they have this huge, pink church where many infidel dogs desecrate Allah regularly. That’s an easy target and, according to our mole in Charlotte, some people there may even thank us later since the building isn’t exactly popular with them.

OBL: Sounds good. What else?

SY: One more key target, Your Moneybagness: there is an infidel eatery our mole found. . .here’s the name . . . Spoon’s Barbecue. It seems that all they serve is some local variation of Satan’s own favorite meat, pork.

OBL: Ugh, that’s yucky.

SY: You said it, Your Insightful Grace, but you know those infidels — they flock to the restaurant, and it’s somewhat of a local landmark, so we’re gonna torch the place.

OBL: Oh yeah, wait a minute — Spoon’s Barbecue. Now I remember. I read something about them somewhere. . .sounded good. Umm, I mean it sounded like a good place to burn.

SY: I am so happy you like our plans, Your Prominence.

OBL: Yes, good work. Just one little thing, though.

SY: Anything you say, Your Schnozzitude.

OBL: Before you destroy that infidel pork restaurant, um, I’d like, well, just be sure to bring me back a couple of orders of onion rings and hush puppies.

SY: You got it, Your Greasiness. See you after 9/11.

This article appears in Aug 30 – Sep 5, 2011.