When Alaska Governor Sarah Palin announced her resignation, speculation mounted that, among other things, she might star in a reality show or get her own newspaper column. We can authoritatively tell you that she is getting her own syndicated column, called “Ask Sarah!” Through our secret contacts in the Wasilla underground (Palin’s moose taxidermist, Fuzzy Butler — editor, this is FYI only, please be sure to delete), we have obtained a copy of the first scheduled column by the governor, and we’re pleased to publish excerpts from it here. Enjoy!
Hi Sarah! I think it’s so cool that you up and quit your job when things got really hard. That shows real guts and leadership, and I’m proud to support you. My own job is getting to be a real pain in the neck, and I’m wondering: If I quit, can I come work for you? — Kindred Spirit
Hi Kindred Spirit! I really appreciate your support, and I’d be happy to start progressing your career — just send me your resume. Who knows? If everything works out and the evil media morons won’t allow me to stand strong for the cause of freedom and free enterprise and, um, other freedom-type stuff like that, I might need a wing-woman to take that winning shot for me there. Like I said before, I know when it’s time to pass the ball — for victory!
Hi Sarah! Is it true, like the newspapers say, that before you resigned, all the troubles you were having made you super-anxious and underweight, and your hair was thinning out? — Concerned Voter
Hi Concerned Voter! Gee, ya know? Sure wish folks could understand how I, as center of my world, really hate having personal stuff like that being brought up by the sleazebag media. I mean, it’s pretty insane. And when … um, where was I? Oh yeah, like I told Todd, it was hard taking on the big special interests like I did out there on that campaign trail, and then hearing people criticizing me, like, 24-7, and saying oh, she’s got all those ethics violations and so forth, and … it’s like this: Yes, I was a little anxious, but I’m not one to play by the normal rules, and so I didn’t let it get to me enough that I didn’t know when to stand up for my family, my faith, and our freedoms as independent, God-fearing Americans with servants’ hearts and, um, nice clothes and such. As for my thinning hair, that’s another lie told by that darned media. My hair has always looked hot, and I pledge to continue that moving forward.
Hi Sarah! Do you think you’ll ever make up and be friends with Levi Johnston? And where do you get those cute fur-collared parkas? — Fashion Gal
Hi Fashion Gal! Let me answer the more important question first: I get my parkas at Molly’s Skin-Your-Own-Rabbit Parka Palace in Wasilla. Molly’s a real Alaska girl, a dear friend from back in the day when we’d be all excited and get on our snowmobiles and ride around shooting at anything with a pelt. As for that lowlife Levi, no I don’t plan to friendly up to him; it’s like I told Bristol, honey, if you lie down with a dog there, don’t come crawling back for my fleas … or whatever.
Hi Sarah! You’ve been going around saying that all the ethics charges against you were dismissed, but your own GOP-dominated legislature said you abused your office by leaning on people to fire your former brother-in-law. And didn’t you have to pay back taxes after you billed the state for thousands in travel expenses to and from the capital even though you stayed in Wasilla? And how about when your chief medical officer resigned because you fired the state public health director because she wouldn’t support your parental-consent abortion bill? — YouBetchaIGotcha
Tell me, YouBetchaIGotcha: Who are you and who told you to write me? I want to know right now. Was it Alaska’s House Speaker? Or David Letterman? This is the kind of unfair crap I’ve had to take that I’ve been advancing in the public mind — how can a governor get anything done with everybody paying such close attention? You can’t get me down, though. I’m a positive, can-do, spirited maverick, um, type person and my faith will lift me up. So don’t believe the stories that say I obsess over every little criticism, and … Next question.
Hi Sarah! I keep reading that you don’t know enough about issues to be a national leader, and that you’re basically a small town hick with delusions of grandeur who couldn’t even manage to control her own dysfunctional office staff, much less a whole state. Please prove to me that it’s not true. — Who U Kiddin
Up yours, Who U Kiddin. Ya know? Todd told me he wasn’t sure about this newspaper thing. It’s obvious now that I can’t advance America and my finances enough, having to answer these puny criticisms, so I’m announcing right now that I’m resigning from this column. I’m gonna go and be bold for freedom somewhere else.
This article appears in Jul 21-28, 2009.
