I read the Charlotte Observer almost every day, so I must be some kind of doofus. And if you read it, you’re probably a doofus, too. That’s the exciting, maybe even life-changing, conclusion I’ve reached after absorbing the daily paper’s recent tweaks.
You have to assume the folks running the Observer know their readership, right? And it follows that they prepare their “product” to fit their reader profiles. That being the case, it’s easy to see that the folks over on South Tryon St. have discovered something important: We’re all a bunch of dumbasses. But you know what? I think that’s great. In fact, I welcome the opportunity, in view of the Observer editors’ wisdom, to re-arrange my priorities and — dare I say it? — lighten up.
I’ve realized how old-fashioned I was before the daily’s latest changes. I used to think I had to keep up-to-date on all that so-called newsy stuff like war, politics, what the rest of the world is doing and a slew of important local political issues. Now I know better.
Who needs the aggravation of being exposed to all those conflicting viewpoints? It’s so much more fun to keep up with celebrity birthdays and week-old entertainment news. And why bother with boring stuff like the President wiping his rear with the Constitution when you can enjoy front page features on how warm January was?
In fact, if you take to heart the editors’ stated desire to “help you connect” — and if you finally realize, as I did, that they mean it when they say “We’re here to help you …” (to make the perfect pre-Panthers-game dip, prune your camellias, pick something to wear to your friend’s daughter’s bat mitzvah, you name it) — then you’ll find there’s a lot to like in the new, slimmer Observer. For starters, you can count on the things that are most important to you and me, its loyal doofus readers, to be prominent on the front page. I know I learned more about the ins and outs of the Carolina Panthers during the week leading up to their NFC title game than I ever imagined I would want to know. And I loved the game post-mortem with its handy “What Doomed The Panthers” bullet points. It was so simple and easy, and it let me read without having to organize my own thoughts about the team’s losing effort — or even have any thoughts, for that matter.
And speaking of not having to think, you can’t beat the “Hot Topic” header placed over certain stories. What a great way to let me know what issues people are talking about — OK, what people uptown are talking about, but that’s good, right? So what if most of the real, meaty news is six to 10 pages back in the front section? Who needs that depressing crap anymore? That’s why I’m so glad they’ve cut down on those boring book reviews and Op-Ed columns, too — talk about depressing. I’m even starting to forget why I ever read those things — some kind of “thinking”? Who’s got time?
But what I’m really loving about the thinner, more doofus-friendly Observer is the Monday “Your Week” section, especially the way the important things it’s connecting us to are organized in a “Day-By-Day” format. This is already making my life so much easier. Who needs to go to the trouble to figure out his or her own priorities? The best part of “Your Week”? It’s got to be all those savvy Observer “experts” telling all us doofuses how to spend our time. It’s terrific! For instance, without the O’s insights, I never would have known how much I needed to see pro wrestler Jimmy “the Superfly” Snuka at Dixie’s Tavern. Thank you, Big O! And having fashion writer Crystal Dempsey “dishing on the latest episode of Project Runway in her blog” — whoa, what an awesome bonus. And don’t get me started on how the “7-Day Menu Planner” has eased my mind while grocery shopping.
I know that not all of you will agree with me that the daily’s changes are like a gift from the gods. In fact, I’ve heard lots of grousing about them — like the friend who said he “doesn’t like being talked down to,” or the one who felt “even more constantly insulted than usual” by the Observer, or the acquaintance who said the daily was “trivializing itself out of existence.” I think they’re being too cynical. We have nothing to worry about. I mean, there’s no way the daily paper would cut out important things while leaving in trivialities, right? Heck, that’s a Pulitzer-winning newspaper, for crying out loud. Granted, it’s been almost 20 years since they won that award, but I’m sure that along with being “here to help you,” they’re still as dedicated to giving the public the truth as ever. Otherwise, why would they still bother to produce a newspaper?
This article appears in Feb 1-7, 2006.
