Gag order in the case of the alleged John Edwards sex tape … Damn!

When I think about all of the “celebrity” sex tapes I’ve suffered through in the past — Kim K. and Ray J, Tommy Lee and the Baywatch chick, and Colin Farrell and the Playboy bunny with the sex addiction — I am so disappointed that I won’t get a chance to see John Edwards’ tape.

Let me take you back to the fuckery that led to the allegations that Edwards and his side piece/baby mama, Rielle Hunter had taped their act of “love.”

Hunter worked for Edwards’ political action committee in 2006, shooting behind-the-scenes video as the Democrat prepared to launch his second White House campaign. Edwards acknowledged earlier this year that he fathered a child with Hunter. He and Elizabeth Edwards have separated after more than 30 years of marriage.

While running for president, Edwards and Hunter thought it would be a great idea to make a sex tape. After all, in this digital age, who would ever find out? (Please recognize the sarcasm in that statement.) Well, somehow — perhaps because she was renting a home from him — former Edwards aide Andrew Young found the alleged tape.

Edwards mistress Rielle Hunter is suing to reclaim materials, including the video, saying they were taken from a box of her personal belongings. Young, who has said he helped keep Hunter in hiding during the 2008 presidential campaign, contends the tape was found amid trash that Hunter left behind in a home that he was renting.

Which brings us to a judge (Boo, Mr. Judge, boo: Where were you when Ms. Kardashian needed you to save us from that boring sex tape?), ruling that:

“If it should come to this court’s attention that it’s being exploited for any reason in the media, I won’t hesitate to use the court’s contempt authority. Money is not a punishment here, so we would be talking about time,” Fox said, according to the Raleigh News and Observer. “This is not grist for the media mill.”

It’s pure morbid curiosity that makes me want to see the Edwards sex tape. Does he allow his lover to touch his $400 hair? Do they do something straight out of a porn magazine or some new age love making? Sick that I want to know this, I know. But really, why keep it a secret? Imagine if Edwards had been elected president or even been President Barack Obama’s choice for VP. Could you imagine how the Tea Party and the G.O.P would be fighting to have the contents of this tape plastered all over Fox News?

Oh well, I guess we will never know what Johnny is working with.

This article appears in Oct 26 – Nov 1, 2010.