I’ve learned to quit worrying about the May 6 presidential primary. Good thing, too, since trying to decide who to vote for was driving me crazy. Ever since my favorite candidate, John Edwards, dropped out of the race, I’ve been going back and forth and spinning in circles, trying to figure out whether I should vote for Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I’ve read position papers and proposals, checked the polls, and pondered which one would be more electable in November. I’m telling you, this democracy stuff can be nerve-wracking. But now, picking a candidate has become much easier than I imagined was possible.
The main reason? The North Carolina primary, which just a couple of weeks ago seemed a pivotal battlefield for the Democrats, is now touted as a cinch win for Obama, and national attention has shifted to Indiana as the make-or-break primary. Sure, the recent downgrading of our state’s cosmic importance in the political world is a little disappointing, but look at it this way: now we can relax. I mean, who wants to study all those issues, anyway? Who’s got time, especially with so many great shows on TV? I’ve found a new, improved way to make important political decisions: celebrity endorsements!
That’s right, rather than hurt my brain trying to remember Hillary and Obama’s proposals for Iraq, health care and the economy, I’ve been carefully studying each candidates’ list of celebrity supporters and gauging my gut reactions to them. Genius, or what? Think about it: What better, more American way to pick who should control the nuclear trigger than checking out celebrities’ opinions?
So here goes. First, Hillary Clinton’s celeb backers.
• Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives: She’s pretty hot, but I never did get why that show became so popular.
• Barbra Streisand: I still love her early, early work, but since then, she’s become an overbearing shmerts. Plus, she’s so obviously got the hots for Bill Clinton, her endorsement is suspect.
• 50 Cent: Hey, that’s pretty good street cred for an old white woman. Don’t know about you, but I’d love to see spinner hubcaps on the Presidential limo.
• Magic Johnson: No way. I was a Celtics/Larry Bird fan back in the day.
• Natalie Portman: Hillary’s a long way from the politics of V for Vendetta, but who knows? Maybe Natalie knows something we don’t.
• Elton John and Ellen DeGeneres: Speaks well for Hillary’s support of gay rights, but Elton John’s 15 minutes of fame were used up a lo-o-o-ng time ago, and I can’t stand the way Ellen dances all the time on her show.
• Ron Howard: Bald Opie? Please.
• Sally Field, Tony Bennett, Carole King, Quincy Jones, Jack Nicholson, Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen: OLD! You call those fossils celebrities? Where are the hotties who should decide our national future?
OK, so how about Barack Obama’s celebri-fans?
• Jennifer Aniston: Now you’re talking. I was never a big Friends fan, but did you see the seminude scene in The Break-Up? That’s someone I could listen to.
• Robert De Niro: Oh shit. I wonder if he plans to go around beating up people who voted for Hillary. Might be worth looking into.
• Stevie Wonder, Chris Rock and Herbie Hancock: Three of my favorite entertainers, and although Herbie’s getting up in years, his recent Best Record Grammy gives him some additional muscle.
• George Clooney: One of my favorite actors, and his good looks are bound to make some women think twice before voting for Hillary.
• Scarlett Johansson: Woof! You’ve got to figure that Scarlett and her “girls” are gonna know what’s best for the country.
• will.i.am: The Black Eye Peas frontman, huh? Nahh, I always thought the group was overrated.
• Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the three surviving members of the Grateful Dead, and Joan Baez: OLD! Again, what’s with the geezer endorsements? I mean, do old people still vote?
• Oprah: Whoa! What can you say? The ultimate celebrity, the queen of bookstores, electronic guru to depressed suburban housewives, richer than Exxon/Mobil. I wouldn’t watch her show if you paid me, but I have to admit she’s got her finger on the pulse of … well, something, I guess. Wait a minute — come to think of it, why do so many people care what she says, anyway? Seems a little shady.
• Bruce Springsteen: Woo-hoo! The Boss! That might just seal it. His ’76 concert at Ovens Auditorium was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. As a matter of fact, so was his Coliseum show in the early ’80s. And he supported John Kerry, which is who I voted for in 2004. And I liked the way he told the Reagan folks to quit using “Born in the USA” in their campaign. He’s a populist! He’s a white baby boomer! He’s just like me! OK, way richer, but youknowwhatImean.
See how easy it is? I’ve made my choice, and now I can quit worrying and get back to watching celebs on TV. Is this a great country or what?
This article appears in Apr 30 – May 6, 2008.
