I thought I’d share with you the speech I will give today in front of CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Committee, a fine group of upstanding citizens with a few minor concerns about my record. Enjoy.
Hello friends [expected scattered boos, laughter]. I come to you today with an olive branch. I know we haven’t exactly seen eye to eye recently. But I’m going to set the record straight for you today. Get ready for some straight talk, my friends.
I have been a conservative all my life [dodge beer bottle, rotten fruit]. I fought for our country in Vietnam. I was a foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution. I oppose excessive government spending. I have a rich trophy wife. I usually vote Republican. I eventually supported the Bush tax cuts. I want to stay in Iraq until the sun burns out.
Now, as for our disagreements: I think it’s time for a more responsible immigration reform than [raise voice over boos] … than we have previously [more boos expected] … previously supported.
We have to embrace the [ignore unsettling remarks about my impending death] … the reality of the [raise voice further] … the situation … [security barely containing mob rushing towards stage] …
Fine! You don’t like me? Vote for those damn hippie flower children the Democrats are running! I don’t really give a damn. But it’s too late to stop me now, friends! Ahhh haha, hahaha. [throw purple smoke bomb, exit stage]
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