SATIRE ALERT! To quote the great Sen. John Kyl, the following is “not meant to be a factual statement.” To non-dimwitted readers, we apologize for having to include this disclaimer. Now, on to the news.
We have learned that N.C. House Speaker Thom Tillis and Majority Leader Paul “Skip” Stam held an emergency meeting late yesterday after they heard of Alabama’s new, restrictive law on illegal immigration. Under that law, schools will be required to find out whether students are in the country lawfully, and it will be a crime to knowingly give an illegal immigrant a ride.
A source in Tillis’ office told us Speaker Tillis and Stam are concerned that Alabama will get “all the glory” for passing a law that’s even tougher than Arizona’s “show us your papers” statute. Tillis’ associate told us, “Thom and Skip don’t want North Carolina to be left behind in the ‘Most Hateful State Legislature’ pageant, coming up during the Fourth of July weekend.” The two lawmakers decided to draft a new N.C. anti-illegal immigration law that would top Alabama’s; naturally, they first contacted Mecklenburg County Commissioner (and former federal illegal immigrant rounder-upper) Jim Pendergraph and U.S. Rep. Sue Myrick (R-Mr.Coffee) for suggestions. After intensive discussions of nearly 10 minutes, our Immigration Quartet came up with the following requirements, which they want to see enacted as law in North Carolina:
• Like Alabama, N.C. schools will be required to find out whether students are in the country lawfully, and citizens can be prosecuted for giving an illegal immigrant a ride. In addition, Tillis & Co. propose the following measures:
• It is prohibited to give illegal immigrants taxi fare, or money for a bus or light rail ride. And plane fare? Fuhgeddaboutit.
• Anyone selling North Carolina pork barbecue, Cheerwine, Krispy Kreme donuts, or cigarettes produced in N.C. to a Hispanic person must first check the customer’s immigration status.
• No one of Hispanic origin may buy, possess, or consume Krispy Kreme’s special Cheerwine Crème Donuts. There’s just so much of our precious cultural heritage North Carolinians can be expected to share.
• Anyone, at any time, may ask a Hispanic person to prove he or she is in the country legally. If that Hispanic person cannot produce such evidence, the askers can make the illegal immigrant cut their grass for free.
In addition, it is now a crime to:
• Knowingly pay an illegal immigrant for his/her work.
• Knowingly shake hands with, high-five, or give the thumbs-up sign to an illegal immigrant.
• Knowingly tweet an illegal immigrant.
• Knowingly use the term “Futbol” for soccer.
• Knowingly order “green salsa” in a Mexican restaurant if one is non-Hispanic.
• Knowingly speak Spanish to your children.
• Knowingly offer to have sex with an illegal immigrant on state property.
And finally, one year from the law’s enactment, all Hispanics in North Carolina who are found to be in the country illegally will be required to wear a visible symbol of a taco on the outside of their clothes.
“We think these are great, great proposals,” said Tillis’ associate, “and frankly, it gives us a leg up in the ‘Hateful Legislature’ pageant. We’re all keeping our fingers crossed.”
This article appears in Jun 7-13, 2011.
we will be glad to send all of our illegal aliens to all of you ignorant corporate whores (ufimisim for politions )to north carolina roll tide
Why should we continue to facilitate people that came here illegally, who as a population take the majority of public assistance, drive down wages, and take jobs when over 10% of our citizens are unemployed?
eVerify is the least we can do…
“who as a population take the majority of public assistance”
source?
Jennifer, you do not know what you’re talking about. If you are an undocumented person you cannot get federal assistance for anything, period. Only citizens can access those types of things. Also, it seems you are also unaware that the majority of undocumented people living in the United States pay taxes into our system. This also means they are paying into a system, we benefit from. They do not and cannot.
Apparently “B” never heard of Auntie Zetunia, Obamas aunt from kenya who lives in public housing and gets a check……and there are many more like her… So wake up dimwit!
Illegal’s steal people’s identity to get jobs and welfare funds. Educate yourself and find out more about the world around you.
Billy Bob / Frank Griffin, it’s funny as hell for you, of all people, to say that someone else needs to find out more about the world around them. Coming from the guy with a 19th century view of women, the same guy who described wind power as “not ready for prime time” right after reading a blog post about wind power is now providing electricity for millions of people in Great Britain and other places in Europe, your telling someone else to be more aware of the world is completely hysterical. As always, you either have zero self-awareness or a buttload of nerve. I vote for the former.
A hearty congratulations to Frank “Billy Bob” Griffin for having his imbecilic online comment (“Black populations are in trouble. Putting you head in the same will not make black vrime go away.”) make it into the print issue of Creative Loafing, along with Grooms’ hilarious response. This way, tens of thousands of Charlotteans can enjoy Frank’s idiocy!
Illegal immigration law has just been passed in the state of Alabama that is certain to cause conflict. The Arizona law passed last year is the clear inspiration for the law, as it utilizes similar tactics. Here is the proof: Controversy erupts over Alabama immigration law, newsytype.com
I married a Mexican all the woman in his family are illegal and does receive government assistance think u..do ur research
Jessica:
Your high school English teacher must be so proud.