Last week, the media reported the results of a series of important polls conducted by Elon University. These were impressive polls, tackling head-on such Charlotte-related topics as police performance, the economy, schools, bank bailouts and more. But to my trained, journalistic eagle eye, something seemed odd about the media reports. It was just a feeling, but my inner sleuth detected that something was missing. I decided to look into it. After an extensive investigation, five margaritas, and a disturbing vision of Mackenzie Phillips, I discovered that crucial poll results had been censored, or at least left unreported, by the media. You have a right to know what Charlotteans thought about these “forbidden issues,” so in the interest of transparency, we are publishing the censored questions and results.
What do you think the government should do about banking and finance executives who nearly collapsed the world economy?
3 percent: Give them so much taxpayer money that the government never gets out of debt again, and then suggest that they raise credit card interest rates to loan-shark levels.
32 percent: Roast them on a spit and feed them to the hogs.
21 percent: Make them participate in special “Last one alive wins” marathon edition of Dancing With the Stars.
44 percent: Treat them to an old-fashioned country wuppin’.
How soon do you think the economy will improve?
40 percent: As soon as I win the lottery.
11 percent: I’m very, very confident that my grandchildren will be able to eat something besides beans soon after my own children die of old age.
11 percent: The twelfth of never.
38 percent: Not sure, but I know I can’t wait that long.
[Question posed to those who viewed the Char-Meck Police Dept. “very favorably”]:
What would have to happen for you to have a less-favorable view of the police department?
12 percent: If one of my children died after being Tasered for no good reason.
15 percent: If police would not return property stolen from me because they have no record of my report of the theft.
63 percent: If a pregnant, 15-year-old friend was killed by her “guardian” after police had failed to even question the guardian for seven weeks after being alerted that he had committed statutory rape with her — and then arrested him the day she was killed. That would really piss me off.
Which member of local government do you trust the most?
2 percent: Pat McCrory
2 percent: Harry Jones
1 percent: Kaye McGarry
1 percent: Bill James
94 percent: You’re kidding, right?
[Question posed to those who answered that the area’s top transportation priority is the completion of I-485]:
How important is it to you personally that the I-485 beltway be completed?
39 percent: Extremely important! It would cut a whole five minutes off my commute time!
16 percent: It’s not super-important. I just love the sounds of bulldozers and the smell of tar in the morning.
20 percent: It’s very important — that area is way behind in the county race to plop down a convenience store every 100 feet.
25 percent: Personally? I couldn’t care less, but everybody else seems to think it’s a huge deal, so hey, I’m easy.
Which of these would you rather watch?
2 percent: CMS TV interview with CMS Supt. Peter Gorman.
5 percent: City Council meeting.
5 percent: County Commission meeting.
30 percent: A snake swallowing a mouse.
58 percent: A fire in a trash can.
What new local government services would you like to see?
15 percent: Hot towels for trial jurors.
10 percent: Free peanuts and sodas during zoning hearings.
21 percent: Sheriff Dept. serves croissants and latte with subpoenas.
54 percent: Public beatings of slow drivers who hog the left lane.
Note: This is satire. These poll results are what’s known as “comedic fiction.”
Deliver Us From Weasels, a collection of 50 of John Grooms’ best columns and articles, will be published in November by Main Street Rag Press. The book will cost $14.95, but can be purchased in advance through Oct. 26 for $10 including shipping at www.mainstreetrag.com/store/ComingSoon.php.
This article appears in Sep 29 – Oct 6, 2009.
