Wow, you guys have great imaginations. Of course, some people might call it a warped sense of humor, but that’s their problem. Let me back up a little. About a month ago, I asked readers to send in ideas for mementos of local scandals, and boy, did they ever respond. My request came at the end of a column in which I suggested that Minneapolis wasn’t taking proper advantage of the Larry Craig airport bathroom incident. I proposed selling airport souvenirs such as miniature-toilet key chains, or little plastic wind-up shoes that tap. Yes, it’s distasteful, but so what? This is America, for crying out loud, where scandals are rarely a strictly nonprofit deal.
You sent in lots of ideas, some of them better than any I came up with, some not so much. Some, unfortunately, weren’t local enough, although I loved the Dubya Home Waterboarding Kit. Some ideas were hilarious but too obscene for publication — although I wish we could print the one about Britney Spears and a certain Mexican fast food chain.
Barring that, here are some of the best reader ideas for sellable mementos of local or state scandals:
• Celia Dramton liked our idea for mini-machine guns with the Blackwater logo, but expanded on it: “The Blackwater security guys disguise their faces while on patrol, so I think Blackwater logo scarves or ski masks would make a great Christmas gift for macho war supporters. Also, people robbing convenience stores could wear them and claim that they’re stealing money in the name of national security!”
• Frank Griffin suggested selling “Duke lacrosse shot glasses. They could come in different colors with different pictures on the side. I imagine one with a stripper and another with the lacrosse sticks on it.” Great idea, Frank. How about a whole set, with each team member (and former prosecutor Mike Nifong) getting his own glass? Frank also thinks the state should sell Jim Black-themed lottery tickets, and feature special Jim Black slot machines. That’s a great idea, too. Maybe we could even get Amy Winehouse to cut a commercial for the lottery featuring her song “Back In Black.”
• Mark Lamorino thought “a perfect tribute to Jim Black would be for lots of Charlotteans to wear chain gang outfits for Halloween.” Sorry we couldn’t get your idea in the paper before the big day, Mark, but apparently some people had the same idea, according to reports from a couple of Halloween parties.
• Jason Hagelin, who is apparently really mad about cost overruns for the light rail line, thinks the city should sell “T-shirts with the CATS logo, and a drawing of Ron Tober being ‘overrun’ by a light rail train. If the T-shirts sold well, they could put the same image on special ‘Premium’ train tickets, too.” Thanks, Jason. You’re cruel but ingenious.
• A reader going by the moniker “Clay Man” says he’s an arts lover who’s still mad about the county’s Gang of Five/Angels In America fiasco a few years ago, and thinks the commission’s homophobia-driven cuts in arts funding were scandalous (which, of course, they were). CM’s artful imagination came up with “a special dildo with angel wings at the base, and a reproduction of Bill James’ head at the business end.” Clay, you get both the Most Imaginative and Longest Held Grudge awards!
• Glenn Scherer says, “I think of that evil bastard every time I drive around that area.” He’s referring to former Carolina Panthers player Rae Carruth, who hired gunmen to kill his pregnant girlfriend and then supervised their “work.” Scherer thinks the murder should be remembered with a gun-shaped plaque at the Rea Road location of the tragedy. “Perhaps all the new businesses around there could pitch in to pay for it,” Scherer suggests. Um, don’t count on that, Glenn.
• Sara Yascewski thinks bits and pieces of the “old,” recently destroyed Coliseum on Tyvola Road “should be stamped with (former Charlotte Hornets owner) George Shinn’s face, since he’s the sleazeball they built it for. They could be sold as paperweights, or maybe buyers could come to City Council meetings and throw the pieces at the losers who built the Uptown arena against voters’ wishes.” Ouch.
• An anonymous latecomer who signed his/her e-mail “Disgusted” came up with the most complicated idea for a scandal memento. Disgusted wrote a couple of weeks ago that he/she thinks, “the rednecks in Concord caving in to Bruton Smith is a scandal that makes me want to puke. I’m disgusted by some of my neighbors who think King Bruton’s behavior is so damned cute, so I’d like to see a tchotchke consisting of a small ceramic or plastic pig’s head with a gold crown on it with writing that says ‘King Bruton.’ There should be a replica of Lowe’s Motor Speedway on top of the crown, and when you push a button at the back of the pig head, a voice with a Southern accent says, ‘Bow before me, you dumb peasants — lower!'” OK, then. Disgusted, I hope you feel better now.
Thanks for sending in your ideas. There are obviously quite a few people out there whose sense of humor is at least as twisted as mine — and in these insane times, that’s a good thing.
This article appears in Nov 7-13, 2007.
