I was driving on Central Avenue the other day and an older black gentleman pulled up beside me and told me that my passenger side light was out.
I thanked him and then immediately felt panicked. I did not want any reason to be pulled over by the authorities.
Paranoid? Some may think that I’m being irrational with my worries, but sadly I am not. And I will be the first to say that I am really just sick and tired of living this way.
I am sick and tired of having to live on high alert, all the time.
I am sick and tired of having to pretend that I am alright while constantly monitoring my fear, anxiety, rage and helplessness, especially in environments in which giving any indication that I am displeased with the ulcer-inducing, soul-crushing pressure of living under a historically systematic regime of oppression might upset the clueless bubble of privilege that many blissfully choose to operate in.
I am sick and tired of hearing about — and oftentimes seeing on the Internet — black men like Alton Sterling being killed for minor infractions like selling CDs. Sterling was like any other CD or DVD guy from your neighborhood, making rounds in the salons, barber shops and local businesses, just trying to get by on his side hustle.
I am sick and tired of barely being able to process and catch my breath before I am hit with another tragic story, like that of Philando Castile, allegedly pulled over because of a “busted tail light” similar to mine and then gunned down in front of his loved ones, including a now-traumatized four-year-old girl in the back seat. Or even more recently, Charles Kinsey, a therapist who was shot while lying on his back with his hands up, complying with police while trying to assist an autistic patient.
I am sick and tired of ordinary citizens having to keep level heads when put into impossible scenarios like the ones listed above, or like Diamond Reynolds, Philando Castile’s girlfriend, who had the presence of mind to live-stream the encounter on Facebook Live to ensure that their side of the story would be documented and to make sure that she and her daughter would be safe. Why do citizens have to be more level-headed than those that protect and serve? I don’t teach younger kids because I know my patience is not what it used to be. If you know you do not perform well under pressure, then maybe you should be an accountant and not a police officer.
I am sick and tired of folks who are victimized and/or killed, only to have their character assassinated by the media to somehow justify the victimization.
I am sick and tired of the now-pronounced violence against women of color; women who could be my mother, aunts, sisters, nieces or other loved ones. Women wrestled like bears from their cars; authority figures snatching teen girls from bikes or slamming petite girls in bathing suits to the ground while a grown-ass man places a knee to her back.
I am sick and tired of what sometimes seems the futility of marching and protesting when it is beyond clear that as much as we scream #blacklivesmatter we live in a society that proves repeatedly that aggression, violence and victimization of brown bodies does not matter to most folks. Maybe we need to be more proactive and understand our economic and political power and stop supporting a system that does not support marginalized communities. Other communities support their own, so the black community should take note.
I am beyond sick and tired of the deafening silence coming from many white “friends” and folks who have known me for years as an artist, educator, mentor and colleague; a silence that is really an implicit message of consent to the real atrocities so many people of color face on a daily basis. I am sick and tired of seeing the same people change their profile pics in support of a gorilla or other tragedies foreign and domestic while showing little to no empathy when brown folks are being brutalized on a daily basis. No memes, no direct messages, no phone calls or even a text to ask, “Are you OK?” Worse, they share dismissive “#alllivesmatter” posts and don’t see how harmful that attitude truly is.
At some point you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and folks are starting to wake up.
Langston Hughes wrote this about black folks, but it is applicable to anyone supporting the struggle: “Negroes sweet and docile, meek, humble, and kind: Beware the day they change their minds! Wind in the cotton fields, gentle breeze: Beware the hour it uproots trees!”
This article appears in Jul 28 – Aug 3, 2016.
Awesome awesome awesome read Charles!
I fully understand your fears, Br. Easley. I will not deny that the reasons for them are real because they are. I was reading an article by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar the other day. His Father and grandfather were both law enforcement officers—cops, and he took a balanced approach to this points out stats that show that more whites have been shot by cops than blacks. In any case, this is a very complex problem that I will not try to analyze in this space, but I will say that the solution lies in a concerted effort to address and resolve some very serious social issues. Interestingly, Martin Luther King, Jr. provided us with the formula for doing it, and though we celebrate his birthday with “parties and parades,” as my friend Harry Belafonte referred to them, we don’t seem to know anything about what Dr. King was trying to teach us. However, when we apply those lessons, I think the problems will be solved.
Powerfully articulated, brother! And I, too, have found myself in this crippling mindset. I have had to find ways to calm myself and breath because if I didn’t, I would go mad at comments like, “you know more whites are shot than blacks.” Ya think? There’s 194 million white people in this country and 33 million black people. If the numbers REALLY added up, blacks would not be shot at 30 TIMES the rate of the number of white people, but folks don’t care to do the REAL math when it comes to those numbers. These are the kinds of responses that just last week had me wanting to curl up into a ball and never leave my house again. If I didn’t have a peace that passes all understanding, I’m sure I would never see the light of day again.
Deep. You basically summed up all my emotions in one article. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of all the injustice in the Just Us system. I hate to say it this way but, most whites don’t care about the struggle we go through as black people. As long as it isn’t affecting them they see no problem with it. And even in instances were they are affected you see little to no response from them. As in the case of the 19 year old Dylan Noble. The conservative media only wants to focus on the issues when it’s a black cop that shots a white teen, as in the case of 18 year old Gil Collar. They only care about it when they can use it to further their means of hate and bigotry. It’s a sad world we live in nowadays.
Thanks for the Link Bro Easley, I believe it is time for a divorce. What do I mean? People get divorced all the time because of irreconcilable differences. I think the time has come for black people to consider separation and let us have a couple of states that we can have and live in peace. Dr. King which many did not know, said temporary separation from the whites of America would be good. https://keyamsha.com/2015/04/04/the-necessity-for-temporary-segregation/
Would a battered wife continue to come back for more abuse or would she separate from her abuser. Unfortunately there is no other solution that to start building communitites that we can live in peace together…..All this “We need to come together crap is for cowards who feel that one day white people are going to wake up and treat you right, while our children continue to suffer…..Black America, we are grown now. We must stop acting like their children begging and pleading with them to treat you right….We need a national debate on this
@marcus holland Thank you man and thank you for reading!
@thomas cooper I think you are correct is is a very complex problem but I think the frustration comes from when authority figures do not seem willing to engage in the conversation or even address that there is a problem. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on this topic.
@Yi Hero it is very stressful to deal with this type of trauma on an everyday basis and yes it gets even more infuriating when the mainstream seems to move forward in a blissful air of detachment. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
This is all the way real. I’m sick and tired of everything u just named. I shouldn’t have to be worried about going to the house safely because of something like expired tags or a tailight being out.
Then let me help you understand what I meant about Dr. King’s teachings. What Dr. King was trying to teach us was not to wait for the approval or cooperation of public officials, but to take charge of the situation ourselves. If we wait there will be no action. Dr. King was about self-empowerment not permission. But since we don’t understand his methods, we are frustrated and afraid.
Powerful. Authentically Written. Beautifully Human. Thank you my friend for your poignant point of view. It’s real.
There is no escape via our own state or country (or in the world) from internationalized institutionalized racism but institutionalized resistance by all means historically and presently that is not collectively suicidal. In that regard MLK was CORRECT in terms of strategies (Remember America is the only country that has used the “BIG BOMB” against its “enemies”!)
Great article! As mother to a little one-I hold my breath because I wonder when will the day come that others may not think he’s so cute any more? I pray…all the time, that one day soon things will change in a positive direction.
@Donna Frazier You are so right Sis that when you live under such high alert and stressful times you have to find ways to find peace and center yourself or like you say you can be driven mad with worry. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!
@Brandon It is amazing the somewhat mundane issues folks take for granted but for others something as benign as a broken tail light can quickly put marginalized folks in harms way due to the propaganda of pronounced aggression against minority groups. Thank you for reading.
@Schan Thank you for the encouraging words and thank you for reading and joining the discussion!
@BJ it is interesting you share that thought because many forget that the initial push during the civil rights movement was not so much for integration but equality. Some would argue that the black community was much stronger and independent when it had to rely on its own citizens as resources. Thank you for reading and sharing your perspective on this topic!
@Joseph You are correct the influence of the historical impact of institutionalized and internalized oppression is numbing. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!
@Jasmine It is very disturbing. I have always stated that unfortunately in this country brown children,especially brown boys do not get the luxury of being children. In the eyes of many in the mainstream they go from being cute to being threatening in a short window. It must be very challenging as a Mom. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
I’m sick & tired too! Tears and worry and rage and frustration and horror again and again and over again. What are we to do? I don’t know what to do.
This article and topic weighs heavy on my heart and mind. Good for you to share your frustration as there appears no end in sight and PEOPLE ARE DYING! I am a transplant from New York, white, been here 14 years. I due realize that my life is privileged because of my skin color. Yes there is bigotry in New York, however, I’ve never witnessed the level of bigotry towards black society as I do in North Carolina. When I moved here it was 2002 but felt like 1942 and I was scared. I was oblivious to the white domination that still exists here. Shame on me. To my fellow Americans who are black; you have my complete empathy and support. This is a country of freedom, but not if you’re black. It makes me sick.
@Julie Torrence I think that when folks actually articulate what they are feeling and observing is a huge step. I think the next step is for folks to realize that those discussions should also happen when there are not other people of color around. When everyone realizes that this impacts us all then we can began to start the healing process. Thank you for reading and sharing your feelings and thoughts on this matter.