The bitch-her

I was having dinner one evening at my married friends’ house where the entertainment was listening to them argue.

Wife: “YOU DIDN’T FEED THE DOG! You’re so worthless! I went and got dinner for us and you can’t even remember to feed the dog!”

Husband: “I’m so sorry, I forgot. I’ll do it.”

Wife: “I have to do everything around here … (bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch)”

And from there, the argument escalated, until I slyly interjected, “I’ll feed the damn dog!”

I’ve often noticed that some of my girlfriends treat their men in a way that they would never treat me: like a bitch-er. They bitch about the most insignificant things, such as taking out the trash or hoarding the remote — basically that his head isn’t inserted far enough up her ass. What I really want to say is: “You have a man who loves you, and comes home to you every nigh. Who cares if he wanted to feed himself before the dog. By the time you sat there and bitched at him for it, you could have fed the dog yourself!”

Perhaps I’m just jaded from being cheated on and lied to so much that I don’t really see chores as a relationship offense punishable by bitching. Like a survivor of a “heart-attack,” I don’t take anything for granted, especially not a man who’s loyal.

I wouldn’t care if he pees all over the toilet seat, never washes one dish, and farts in his sleep, as long as he doesn’t cheat on me — everything else is compromisable. So here are a few things women should definitely not bitch about …

1. The toilet seat. Men don’t complain about us leaving it down, so therefore, we don’t have the right to complain about them leaving it up.

2. Guy time. Just like you need your folic acid and calcium, he needs his dose of testosterone — and if you trust him (which you should if you’re with him), then why wouldn’t you want some space to hang out with your girlfriends or yourself? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so let him miss you for a few hours. And who cares if he comes home drunk, as long as he comes home to you (and didn’t drive to get there).

3. What he wears. How he dresses is how he is. You try to change a man and he’s going to change girlfriends. Imagine if he told you that dress made you look fat; same thing.

4. Money. ?If you complain about him not making enough money, well, then why don’t you just cut his balls off while you’re at it. Men often feel like they need to be the provider in the relationship. As long as he’s providing you with love and loyalty, don’t complain about what’s in his wallet.

Remember, he is a guy after all. So we should try and limit our bitchiness to once a month … when we’re menstruating. We’re at least entitled to it then.

This article appears in Jan 11-17, 2011.