When I became single, I foolishly assumed that people still went on dates. Apparently dating is a lost art, at least with the guys in Charlotte that I meet via online dating. It should be called what it is: online booty calling. In my foray into the single life, I have been asked out on only a handful of dates. The invitations to sex, however, have been plentiful.
I am sure there are men genuinely interested in forming relationships with women. Unfortunately, I have not met many. The men I meet seem to only want sex and they will take the road of least resistance to get it. There are so many men who initiate conversations and who say they are looking for more than sex, yet expect sex from the get go.
There has been a story circulating online this week about male Reddit user OKCThrowaway22221, who posed as a woman and set up a fake online dating profile. Prior to his experiment, he was convinced that women had it easier in the online dating world. He admits now he was wrong. He lasted a mere two hours before taking down the profile in disgust:
Guys would become hostile when I told them I wasn’t interested in NSA sex, or guys that had started normal and nice quickly turned the conversation into something explicitly sexual in nature. Seemingly nice dudes in quite esteemed careers asking to hook up in 24 hours and sending them naked pics of myself despite multiple times telling them that I didn’t want to.
I lasted three weeks on my latest round of online dating before taking my profile down last week. I met a couple of nice guys, but I met a lot of jerks too.
Exhibit A
I met M for a beer at Hickory Tavern and we watched football. We discovered some similar interests and values. There weren’t huge sparks but I liked him enough to see him again. We talked about getting together the following weekend. On Saturday evening I suggested we meet for brunch in the morning. He suggested I come over immediately. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that. He asked again. I declined again. I told him that driving to his house at 11 p.m. sounded like a booty call and I wasn’t interested in that. He called me a few names and that was that.
Exhibit B
I am not shy online so I often initiate contact, but C reached out to me first. We messaged a bit and then talked on the phone during my lunch break. An hour later he texted “Why don’t you come to my place tonight.” I told him that I would prefer to meet him somewhere public. He got upset that I didn’t trust him, said that he was a man not a boy, assumed that I hooked up with younger better looking men all the time, told me that sex is the “easiest thing” for him to get, and good bye. Yikes. Seems I ruffled someone’s feathers.
Exhibit C
I was really hoping K was different. We texted for several days and spoke on the phone a few times. He wasn’t rushing anything. One afternoon he texted me to say that he changed his prior plans for the evening because he wanted to take me out for dinner and drinks and a movie instead. Finally!!! A real date. I was excited. However, over the next few hours the plans changed to just dinner, and then to just drinks. And then he insinuated that we would be spending the night together. When I texted back “I’m looking for more than a hook-up. We are on the same page, right?” he got defensive, said he didn’t need me because he could hook himself up, and told me to “enjoy your day” (i.e. kiss off!). Another one bites the dust.
So that’s it. I give up for now. The examples above are only the latest in a long string of men who want all the benefits of a relationship but don’t want to exert any effort into earning my trust, respect or admiration. My theory is that women are so eager for love that they have set the bar too low and men have gotten lazy. When sex is easier to get, love is harder to find.
This article appears in Jan 22-28, 2014.
The only thing I find odd here is that you seem surprised.
Dates occur when established friends decide to turn up the heat. People who seek a mate among strangers are fooling themselves if they think it’s not primarily about sex. It doesn’t matter if it is a website or a singles bar.
There is a reason that so many marriages end in divorce.
Well at least I’m not the only girl who thought there were other decent humans in the online dating world. I mean I usually tell a dude right away if that’s what they’re looking for, seek elsewhere. For some reason, they don’t hear that until they try to make plans. “Come over” Uhhh. No thanks you’re a stranger.
This story mirrors my online experience exactly. I don’t enjoy conversations with strangers about my intimate life
Don’t give up on online dating. You’re doing it right: that is, talking, chatting, and making clear your expectations. Just like in the real world, you’ll have to sift through a lot of people before you meet someone who matches your expectations. Feel free to place in your profile that you’re a slow burner — that you’re interested first and foremost in getting to know someone for an emotional connection and that sex & booty calls are going to be off the table for some time.
Mind you, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with women and men who prefer the fast lane. (Hookups *can* also turn into long term relationships.) It’s just not *your* thing and you need to make that clear.
I’ve added your post to the OnlineDatingIsHell facebook page, by the way. Link: https://www.facebook.com/OnlineDatingIsHell Thanks for sharing your experience!
Thats crazy, you must have met the wrong side of men. Not all men want just sex but we do think about it. Not all men want to cheat either. Even the good looking guys dont think cheating. Its just the mentally that people place on a certain subject. Dont rush into meeting someone, get to know them and talk a few weeks before going on an actually date.
Thanks for the comments! I’m relieved to know it’s not just me having this problem, but it’s disappointing to realize that this appears to be the new normal. What happened to, at the very least, meeting for coffee or a drink first?
I had a man tell me that he didn’t “have to” take women out. “Only nerds or desperate guys do that.” He said he had so many women after him and they required so little, that he hasn’t taken a woman out in years.
I agree with Tammi; hookups can be fine. But I’m at a place where I expect more and want more, and I am not finding too many men who want the same thing.
Girl, you and I need to compare stories. I’ve been online dating for 6 months… biggest waste of time! The men only want sex and have no interest in me as a person. I really believe that there’s something wrong with modern men.