Chat with CityBoy
11:00am
FratboyChief: Michael?
FratboyChief: Michael Smith, u there?
CityBoy: Right here, Pat. What up, bro?
FratboyChief: Huh?
CityBoy: Just joking around. Now that we got fireworks going again, I’m getting ready 4 the riot.
FratboyChief: U think that’s funny? U oughta know better, Mr. City Center honcho. Plus, last year’s fireworks did NOT end in a riot. It was an “isolated incident,” or don’t you remember?
CityBoy: WTF?! R u in a bad mood again?
FratboyChief: U’re damn right.
CityBoy: Why? What up, bro?
FratboyChief: Will u cut that shit out? I’ll tell you “what up” — we mighta fooled a few people into thinking we saved the uptown fireworks, but u and I know damn well our skyshow is gonna suck compared 2 what folks r used 2. All because u let WBT get away at the last minute. That still chaps my butt.
CityBoy: Hey, u’re not the only 1 that’s pissed. They screwed me, 2, u know.
FratboyChief: Yeah but I’m the 1 who had 2 tell everybody the new show will be as good as the one those ‘BT assholes put on. I look good now, but after the show when everybody’s pissed that they got stuck in traffic jams, and it was too hot and crowded, and then the fireworks sucked 2 boot, who do u think will get the blame?
CityBoy: Ah, you can handle it — they don’t call u the city’s official smiley face 4 nothing.
FratboyChief: Who the hell calls me that?
CityBoy: Duh. Maybe, um, everybody?
FratboyChief: Tell me who and I’ll yank their VIP parking passes so fast it’ll make their head spin.
CityBoy: OMG, will u f-in’ relax? Look, people won’t even notice that the show’s lame, most of em will be half-drunk anyway.
FratboyChief: Let’s just be sure there’s plenty of beer 2 go around, if u know what I mean.
CityBoy: LOL! I think we can work that out.
FratboyChief: Make sure u do. U may have saved your butt 4 now, but the whole thing better go off like clockwork — it’s gotta be world-class. U know as well as I do that I’m all about being world-class.
CityBoy: Yeah, and that’s about all.
FratboyChief: WTF’s that supposed 2 mean?
CityBoy: Just kidding! Jesus, take a pill and calm down. The show’s gonna be great.
FratboyChief: Oh, yeah, really great — 4 a measly $50K? What r u gonna do — hand everybody who shows up a couple of bottle rockets? I can just see it: “Great fireworks show — bring your own bottle!”
CityBoy: Actually, I thought we’d just throw some cherry bombs and burn off a few sparklers :). Give me a f-in’ break, Pat. The show will be good enough, considering how little advance warning ‘BT gave us. It’s almost like those numbnuts didn’t want us to have time to put our own fireworks show together.
FratboyChief: Duh, ya think? Get a clue, Michael. That doesn’t matter now, though — we’ve got a bigger problem — like, what’s up with that name, “Red White & Boom”?
CityBoy: What’s wrong with it?
FratboyChief: Sounds like shit, that’s what — like something some overpaid consultant would come up with.
CityBoy: Umm, actually, I wanted 2 talk 2 u about the city maybe paying back City Center Partners 4 the expert advice.
FratboyChief: Bull-SHIT!
CityBoy: It’s a joke, for Chrissakes. Jeez, u really R in a bad mood. U sure u’re not mad about something else? Like maybe Sue Myrick not running for governor after all, so now you can’t run for her House seat?
FratboyChief: Ah, to hell with that jug-eared witch. I’d like to send some fireworks HER way. She KNOWS I want that seat, too. U know, I might just surprise her and everybody else, and run for governor myself.
CityBoy: OMG! R u nuts? There’s no way you’re getting elected governor.
FratboyChief: Why not? In case u haven’t heard, Jim Martin broke the “Mecklenburg Curse” when he became governor back in the ’80s.
CityBoy: Yeah, and your man Vinroot revived the curse in the ’90s. I’m not talking about that, anyway. U’re just not a seasoned pol. U haven’t had a serious political race in 20 years, u wouldn’t know how 2 do it.
FratboyChief: Who do u think you’re talking 2, Mr. This Month’s Wheeler-Dealer? If I were u, I’d spend less time predicting politics, and a little more time worrying about not screwing up again like u did with the fireworks.
CityBoy: Why, u smarmy jackass, that’s it. I quit.
FratboyChief: Good riddance. You Carolina guys r all a bunch of crybabys.
CityBoy: At least we can spell “crybabies,” Mr. Catawba Goober College. And a Happy Fourth to u, 2.
CityBoy has left the chat.
With thanks and apologies to Danielle Crittenden’s regular “The President’s Secret IMs” feature at www.huffingtonpost.com.
This article appears in May 31 – Jun 6, 2006.
