Welcome, dear readers, to a very special edition of “Ask Boomer With Attitude.” Frankly, too much writing about politics can burn a guy out, so instead, we’re looking this week at some of the more oddball questions we’ve received from readers of the “Ask Boomer” feature. Yes, I’m anal retentive enough to have saved most of the stranger, or funnier questions over the years, so let’s have at it. Note: We answered some of these questions via private e-mail at the time they were received.
Dear BWA: I’m 90 percent sure that one of my neighbors is a terrorist, or a militia type or something because he always wears camo clothes and has a lot of guns and rifles. He and his friends go out nearly every weekend somewhere to shoot their weapons. Should I call the police or Homeland Security? — Maggie L.
Dear Maggie: It’s not against the law for your neighbor to wear camo and own guns, so unless he starts spouting violent rhetoric or shoots someone in the neighborhood, you may want to find a way to reduce your paranoia. I suggest turning off the TV whenever the news comes on.
Dear BWA: Can you please ask Creative Loafing‘s readership if they accidentally picked up a small, dark blue purse at Cosmos Café? — Celine M.
Dear Celine: No, not really; try CL‘s classified department.
Dear BWA: Where would I go for directions on how to get sperm stains out of a sweater? — Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed: Try Google.
Dear BWA: A neighbor is always parking his car on his lawn. It trashes up the street and he’s tearing up the grass. I’m thinking of putting a rusted, old clothes dryer we have out back on his lawn to get back at him. David, my husband, says that’s a bad idea. Should I do it anyway? — Tired of It All
Dear Tired: Sure, go ahead. Why not?
Dear BWA: Can you give me any tips on the best way to win CL‘s Lust List contest? I’m pretty hot, but I don’t get out much. — Big Phil
Dear Phil: No, I can’t help you there, but you’d certainly increase your chances if you mingled a bit.
Dear BWA: I saw you at the Political Party at Neighborhood Theatre [two or three years ago], and I want to know how you got so fat. — Vegan Mama
Dear Vegan Mama: That’s a good question, although no one’s been rude enough to ask it in quite that way before. I don’t think I’m “so fat,” although definitely overweight. The obvious answer to your thoughtful query is that I routinely take in more calories than I burn off in physical activity. I blame my addiction to pastries, but my own questions for you are: why do you care one way or another, and what does weight have to do with commenting on politics?
Dear BWA: Do the schools in Nevada teach sex education? — Vegas Bound
Dear Vegas: Try Google.
Dear BWA: You and most of Creative Loafing completely suck. Why don’t you go back to whatever planet you crawled out of? — Go to Hell
Dear Go: Actually, the correct phrase is either “whatever planet you came from” or “whatever hole you crawled out of,” but hey, being literate isn’t for everyone so we won’t hold it against you. You must have missed the column where I offered to accept donations from angry readers who had suggested I move to France. That offer still stands, by the way: If a reader(s) will pay for my family and I to move to France, we’re outta here.
Dear BWA: You look just like a guy I saw at the Usher concert. Was that you? — Jackie B.
Dear Jackie: No, sorry.
Dear BWA: How do you use a coat hanger to get into your car when you lock yourself out? My dad used to do it, but I’ve tried and can’t do it. — Cody T.
Dear Cody: Your dad was probably unlocking an older model car. Models made in the last couple of decades are designed to make it much harder to get into a locked car — which, in a way, is good. In other words, forget about it.
Dear BWA: How do I tell if the married guy I’ve started seeing really loves me? — Anxious
Dear Anxious: Sorry, that’s too sad to answer.
Dear BWA: A friend told me that a pair of dice I bought in a convenience store are probably loaded. Is he right? — Long Juan
Dear Long: Sorry, but that one’s just too stupid to answer.
Dear BWA: Obama lost to McCain here in my district or precinct (whatever), so can people here ignore what he says after he’s sworn in? — Nobama
Dear Nobama: Not unless you’re a U.S. senator.
Your questions are welcome at john.grooms@creativeloafing.com. If you want to use a nickname, please let us know.
This article appears in Mar 16-22, 2010.
