An investigation by CL has found that the National Security Agency prying into Americans’ lives has taken a dramatic new turn with the creation of a special “Thought Police” bureau. Thanks to a technological breakthrough whose exact nature is still wrapped in mystery, the NSA has been able to tap into the thoughts of ordinary US citizens since April. When confronted with evidence of the program, former NSA big shot and new CIA director Michael “Elmer Fudd” Hayden admitted, “Yes, it’s twue. Because of bweathtaking impwoovements in technowogy, we can now wead the most pwivate thoughts of Amewicans. It’s another gweat way of pwotecting our fweedom. So sue me.”
CL has obtained NSA Thought Police reports detailing some of the ultra-secret group’s mental espionage in the Charlotte area. Those reports are printed below. The suspects in these cases are considered potential national security risks and have either been arrested or are being held for questioning.
• While dancing at an uptown Charlotte bar one night last week, Cindy Morrison, 24, thought the guy she was dancing with looked a little like Abu al-Zarqawi, “except alive,” and that “he’s still kind of cute.” She then shifted her thinking to the time last year when she sprained her ankle while wearing high heels, and followed that with mental images of al-Zarqawi in heels.
• A University area Bojangle’s was robbed four times last Friday and twice on Saturday in the mind of Mahmoud Yassin, 30, a recently fired former employee of the fast-food restaurant. Yassin enthusiastically created the image of himself tying up his former boss and firing a pistol into the iced tea urns. Later, he envisioned calling the police and telling them the imagined robbery was “a protest against Zionist oppression in the Middle East.”
• Marty Reboso, 26, did willfully imagine the nude body of Jenna Bush, which he then superimposed onto his girlfriend, Viv, as they engaged in rather perfunctory sex last Wednesday. This unlawful fantasy lasted approximately 10 minutes, after which Reboso became too sleepy to have any more coherent thoughts.
• Convenience store owner Lorenzo Turner, 50, daydreamed about getting his hands on part of Charlotte’s $9 million federal Homeland Security grant. Turner lingered on thoughts of calling 911 and filing a false report claiming terrorists had threatened to blow up his store’s beer cave. Doubts about how to apply for the federal funds soon short-circuited that fantasy, however, and he spent the rest of the day wondering if his car needed an oil change, and whether his wife, Rachel, knew what she was talking about when she said goldfish crackers are less fattening than Cheetos.
• After being warned by his crew boss that the construction company he worked for would soon begin conducting spot checks of employees’ immigration papers, Luis Gonzalez, 29, mulled over his options, which briefly included flipping the bird at immigration agents who had come to his apartment door and telling his boss, “I got your green card, aquí,” while grabbing his crotch. He then imagined himself making a getaway on motorized rollerblade skates.
• While watching the news last Thursday, Madeline Skolowitz, 32, deliberately and maliciously envisioned herself telling President Bush that “your hair looks like hell” and that she thinks he is “a total asshole,” and then slapping his face “really hard.”
• Gerri McAfee, 23, a typist for Charlotte’s homeland security office in the Government Building, mused at length about taking home a box of No. 2 pencils, a few packs of post-it notes and a couple of reams of computer paper. Satisfied that she could pull it off, she then began imagining the theft of a fellow office worker’s laptop. Suddenly, the thought “I’m gonna go to hell!” zipped through her head, blocking out any more felonious thoughts until the next day.
• Bored out of her skull while waiting in line at the DMV, Peaches Chedworth, 40, thought of, in order:
1. Jumping over the counter, pulling the clerk’s hair and asking her if she was in a coma or what;
2. The name of that cute song she heard on Bob & Sheri this morning;
3. Whether the Arabic-looking guy next to her in line was circumcised;
4. What to wear to the next Summer Pops concert, since last week the couple behind her group let their baby throw up on her new Nordstrom sandals;
5. Having sex with a large group of terrorists;
6. Buying a new Calphalon sauté pan;
7. Whether she had taken her Zoloft that morning;
8. Her aching feet.
• Fred Dalstrum, 28, smoked marijuana with his friend Marcus and watched a movie about stoners, after which he started thinking that he should put a large quantity of LSD into Charlotte’s water supply. He pictured himself sneaking into a waterworks, then went over the plan in intricate detail with Marcus. After a third joint, Dalstrum’s plans became clearer and the pair continued their discussion at the McDonald’s down the street until Dalstrum fell asleep.
This article appears in Jun 14-20, 2006.
