Welcome to another wonderful edition of Ask Boomer With Attitude, live from Charlotte, N.C., where a spoiled, overpaid jock who returns to work after being penalized for throwing a sucker punch is seen as a conquering hero. Let’s get on with the show, this week featuring questions from some pretty cranky readers. As usual, one question is fake; see if you can detect which one.
Dear BWA: Why don’t you write about the county wasting $36,000 to pay off morons who lived in the Cavalier Apartments when everybody and his mama knew those buildings were in a floodplain? — Steamed About This
Dear Steamed: I agree that you’ve got to be dumb as a stump to live somewhere that repeatedly floods whenever there’s a major downpour. But the county did offer flood insurance to those residents (who seems dumber now?), and it’s only right for it to pay up. The real issue here is the county’s inefficiency — they delayed processing some of the flood insurance policies — not the people who lost their possessions in the flood.
Dear BWA: I hope to God you’ll write about the turds who want an extra $32 million from city taxpayers for the NASCAR museum. — P.O.’d Taxpayer
Dear P.O.’d: Ahem. The “turds” in question are the museum and hall of fame’s planners, a group that includes city government staff and the Charlotte Regional Visitors Authority. Turns out that, among other things, they want spiffier exhibits, as the previously planned ones were deemed not flashy enough to draw the TV-addled hordes who are expected to flock to our latest Uptown attraction. I’m starting to feel like an old-line conservative when it comes to these kinds of things, but how about responding to the new request with a big, fat “No”? And while you’re at it, City Council, maybe use the money instead to FIX THE DAMNED ROADS!!
Dear BWA: Why won’t the media tell the truth about how the mess on Wall Street was caused by a liberal national atmosphere of permissiveness that made investment bankers feel they could do anything they wanted? — Marian M. Kelsey
Dear Marian: What?! I give you credit for creative thinking, although what you’re asking doesn’t make sense. “Liberals” may be a generally permissive bunch, but one thing they’ve always been in favor of is regulation of financial markets — unlike conservatives such as John McCain, who suddenly got in touch with his inner regulator last week after decades of favoring a laissez-faire approach. Don’t forget that it’s McCain’s right-hand man on the economy, former U.S. Sen. Phil Gramm, who is most responsible for letting loose the dogs of greed on Wall Street. It was Gramm, as chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, who championed the repeal of Depression-era regulations that made possible the mortgage scandals that have turned into a financial disaster. Get it now, Marian? Liberals = for regulation, in order to avoid the kind of mess the United States finds itself in today; Conservatives = repealing regulations which set in motion our current woes. Of course, according to Gramm, it was all done in the beneficent spirit of “protecting financial institutions from overregulation.” I mean, heaven forbid that people whose blind foolishness could bring down the national economy should actually be regulated.
Dear BWA: It’s funny to see liberals like you go crazy over the popularity of Sarah Palin, even making fun of her sincere religious views and her kids’ names. Why don’t you just admit defeat and get on with your life? — Jack Scoggins
Dear Jack: No one’s actually going crazy over Palin, I hope, but many people are concerned that a person with such narrow views and limited knowledge of issues — not to mention a penchant for outright lies — could be so close to the presidency. We’ve suffered enough under the rule of a similar person for the past eight years, and the last thing we need is to go through that kind of national torture again. As for her kids’ names, that’s Palin’s business, although you have to admit that Track and Trig are oddball monikers. (By the way, if you’d like to know what your name would be if you were one of her kids, check out this link to a Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator). What’s much more disturbing than Palin’s choice of baby names is her close alliance with so-called “Third Wave” Christianity and its ominous belief in “spiritual warfare,” demonic possession, and what they see as the duty of Christians to “take dominion” over the United States. Sorry, but religious nutcakery and high-level national politics shouldn’t mix, no matter how sincere and earnest Christian theocrats may be.
Dear BWA: Anything else you’d like to say? — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: I’d like to congratulate Mayor Autumn Gardner of Waxhaw, who was arrested for DUI in South Carolina last week. She campaigned for mayor on a platform of transparency in government, and she has kept her pledge by making it transparently clear that she’s a drunk driver. Keep up the good work!
This article appears in Sep 23-30, 2008.
