When will famous cheaters ever learn?

I thought Tiger Woods was smart.

Golf is a thinking man’s game, right? So why didn’t he think about the kind of woman he wanted to cheat on his wife with?

Tiger, you’re famous and you hang out with a lot of famous women who, if you’d fuck them, would shut up about it. Why?

They have just as much to lose as you do.

And you wouldn’t have to say lame shit like this:

“I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart,” says Woods in the statement. “I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.”

He adds he will “strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.”

Besides, Tiger and other famous cheaters, did Steve McNair not teach you anything? You have millions of dollars in the bank, the hot waitress/hostess/stripper that is making about $20,000 a year (if that) is going to either kill you or sell your ass out.

USATODAY, US Weekly and everybody else  is reporting that Tiger’s side booty was:

Jaimee Grubbs, 24. Grubbs told the magazine she had 31-month affair with the world’s highest-paid athlete. Grubbs claimed she had a voicemail, and 300 text messages allegedly from Woods, to prove it.

If Elin Woods went through Tiger’s phone and found the numbers and things from women, she might have gone ape shit and ran out with a golf club to beat up his car. Tiger was just trying to save the pimp mobile.

But what he should be thinking about is saving his life. I have to say it again — Steve McNair.

So, here’s what you famous people — men and women — who can’t sleep with the same person need to do. Only have affairs with affluent people who don’t need your money.

Just fuck people who are on your level. Stay away from waitresses, they save text messages and will sell them when you cut off the funds. And better still, keep your married hands to your selfish self!

This article appears in Dec 1-7, 2009.