You blew it, America

By John Edwards

You no longer have Johnny Edwards to kick around. I’m bowing out of the presidential race. Going to help the poor and build some Jimmy Carter houses.

But this once-every-four-years experience has taught me so much about our country. Specifically, how stupid you all are for failing to realize my greatness. I dedicated a full-term of service to this country as a senator. And you all just pissed on my sacrifice. Do I feel foolish? Yes, yes I do. I think of those years of toiling away in Washington D.C., dining at Trial Attorneys Lobby Night the very same night as Indulgent Night, and I wonder what could have been. More to the point, I wonder how much money I lost.

Do you realize how little a senator gets paid? Instead of wasting those years as a senator, I could have made boatloads of money suing doctors. But no. I stuck with it because I thought it would help me get elected.

Now I have to wait another four long years — maybe eight if a Democrat wins the general election! Oh man, what if that Democrat serves eight successful years? Then his or her vice president will automatically get the nod to run as president. I could be waiting a long, long time. I need some Chivas Regal. Dangit! I sent my last case to Ted Kennedy.

At least now I can get my $400 haircuts without having everyone bust my stones.

I’m John Edwards, and I hate you all.

News Groper features more than 50 parody blogs by politicians, celebrities, business tycoons, and foreign despots.

This article appears in Jan 30 – Feb 5, 2008.