NEW RELEASES
THE ALAMO Forget The Alamo… again. John Wayne’s 1960 take on the historic battle of 1836, the one detailing the valiant if futile efforts of 200 Texans to defend their fort against thousands of Mexican soldiers, was fairly useless as history and barely involving as entertainment, but it at least had the benefit of a sterling cast (Wayne, Richard Widmark, Laurence Harvey) and a marvelous Dimitri Tiomkin score. This new version can’t even match those modest achievements — it’s the equivalent of one long drone from a stiff Social Studies teacher who can scarcely be bothered to add any sort of relevance to the topic. The movie’s attempts to whip up patriotic fervor (especially in a clumsy final act meant to keep American audiences from feeling too sad about what happened) seem at odds with the gloomy approach of the entire production, as if the filmmakers viewed their jingoism as medicine that should be taken simply because it’s good for you (at least Wayne’s version was sincere in its nationalist zeal). Even with his charisma largely kept in check by director John Lee Hancock (The Rookie), Billy Bob Thornton still fares best as Davy Crockett, the frontiersman-cum-politician trying to maintain the proper balance between Crockett the man and Crockett the legend. The other top-billed performers — Dennis Quaid as Sam Houston, Patrick Wilson as William Travis and especially Jason Patric as Jim Bowie — resemble waxworks at a history museum; if the characters they’re portraying had been this boring, they simply could have lulled the Mexican army to sleep. 
1/2
CONNIE AND CARLA It still remains to be seen whether writer-actress Nia Vardalos’ mega-smash My Big Fat Greek Wedding will have served as the launching pad for a prosperous career or merely fall under the “15 Minutes of Fame” designation, but with Connie and Carla, the spunky moviemaker shows she’s not content to take her millions and run. Although it cribs shamelessly from both Victor/Victoria and Some Like It Hot, this new comedy at least finds Vardalos breaking away from her established bread-and-butter — on the heels of Wedding and the short-lived TV series My Big Fat Greek Life, I was dreading My Big Fat Greek Divorce, My Big Fat Greek Funeral, etc. Instead, this new piece finds Vardalos working opposite Toni Collette (The Sixth Sense), with the pair cast as struggling airport lounge singers who take it on the lam after they witness a murder. Hoofing it to LA, they hide out by posing as drag performers at a local nightclub — in short, they’re girls pretending to be guys pretending to be girls. As writer, Vardalos couldn’t be less interested in the movie’s plot — the crime escapades wouldn’t even have been approved for Hawaii Five-O — but she has great affection for all her characters, and the on-stage routines of Connie and Carla (covering everything from Webber & Rice to Rodgers & Hammerstein) are fun to watch. Vardalos-Collette won’t supplant memories of Lemmon-Curtis, but you could do worse. 1/2
INTERMISSION The opening scene of this scrappy Irish import finds Colin Farrell’s small-time crook going from sweet to shocking in an eye blink — and the film that follows closely mirrors this unpredictable action. Conceived by two figures from Irish theater — director John Crowley and playwright Mark O’Rowe — Intermission is a slice-of-life film, the type of sprawling, multi-vignette movie whose success is almost always defined by how interesting we find its characters. Here, there isn’t a single person who wears out his or her welcome, and it’s a sign of a well-written movie when all of the individual episodes carry equal weight. Beyond Farrell’s casually cruel thug, other central players include a young woman (Topsy-Turvy‘s always-terrific Shirley Henderson) so destroyed by a previous relationship that she doesn’t even bother to shave off her tiny mustache or doll herself up in any way; her lovely sister (Kelly Macdonald), who has just entered into a relationship with a doltish older man (Michael McElhatton); the sister’s ex-boyfriend (Cillian Murphy), so desperate to win back his true love that he agrees to take part in an ill-advised kidnapping; and a hard-nosed cop (dependable Colm Meaney) who feels he deserves his own “reality” TV series. Crowley and O’Rowe had trouble scraping together the funds to bring this to the screen (even with Neil Jordan on board as a producer), but their perseverance will be appreciated by anyone looking for a meaty film that will stick to the ribs.
CURRENT RELEASES
DAWN OF THE DEAD George Romero’s 1978 Dawn of the Dead has long been hailed by both critics and cultists as one of the few great “splatter” flicks ever made, so expecting anything but harsh words for a rehash would be nothing more than wishful thinking on the part of its creators. But hold on. This new version is that rare bird: a remake that actually succeeds on its own terms. Director Zack Snyder and writer James Gunn clearly knew that simply offering a lumbering retread of the original would be a fatal mistake; instead, it wisely presses forward in its own direction, retaining the mall location but offering different characters, different situations and a different outcome. The result is a crisp horror flick, a fast-paced picture that’s exciting, icky and often quite funny.
ELLA ENCHANTED Freely adapted from the book by Gail Carson Levine but completely owing its body and soul to Shrek, this is yet another fractured fairy tale designed for kids living in a postmodern age. Anne Hathaway, the wide-eyed star of The Princess Diaries, plays Ella, a young woman who tries to break a spell that forces her to obey every command directly aimed at her. The film is largely missing any semblance of a through line — plot points are brought up and then abandoned, and characters appear randomly for no pressing reason other than the story requires their presence at that exact moment — but the movie’s still reasonably entertaining, thanks to an able cast as well as its own infectious commitment to Happily Ever After principles. 1/2
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND Scripter Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich) has come up with another mindbender of a movie, an existential drama in which two people (Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) meet and are instantly attracted to each other, not realizing that they were once lovers who underwent a scientific procedure to have the entire relationship wiped from their memories. For all its smart-aleck shenanigans and dense plotting, this delightfully different movie is no mere parlor trick. It takes a serious look at the value of remembrance and the dangers of monkeying with the mind (in a world ravished by Alzheimer’s, a willful desecration of our memories seems downright insane), and its laughs are tempered by a sorrowfulness that dogs every scene. Eternal Sunshine is ultimately an odd sort of love story, a melancholy rumination that’s as much about the head as the heart. 1/2
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR Risky Business comparisons are inevitable, but even with an R rating, this proves to be more frisky than risky, as studious high school student Matthew (Emile Hirsch) learns that his beautiful new neighbor Danielle (Elisha Cuthbert of TV’s 24) is a former porn star trying to begin a new life. With its two aptly cast leads and some nicely realized moments in which the pair tentatively get to know each other, this clearly had the potential to succeed as a love story; instead, the focus is inexplicably drawn away from Danielle and placed on the slapstick antics of Matthew and his buddies, forcing the movie to eventually deteriorate into just another chaotic teen comedy more interested in elaborate pranks than emotional bonding.
HELLBOY The beginning of Hellboy looks like the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and that’s a good thing. But the rest of the movie brings to mind last year’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and that’s not a comparison anyone would clamor to receive. That’s a shame, because this comic book adaptation about a demonic superhero appeared to have the right director in Guillermo del Toro and the right actor in Ron Perlman. But despite their combined efforts, this grungy movie isn’t original enough, exciting enough, or humorous enough to sustain interest, let alone spawn the expected sequel or two.
JOHNSON FAMILY VACATION A game Cedric the Entertainer headlines this sloppy comedy about a man who packs up his family — estranged wife (Vanessa Williams), smart-aleck teenage son (dreadful Bow Wow), impatient teenage daughter (Solange Knowles), and Cosby-kid-cute little daughter (Gabby Soleil) — and embarks on a cross-country trip to attend a family reunion. The script is mostly comprised of isolated on-the-road vignettes, each one exhibiting a small measure of comic potential before invariably collapsing with nary an adequate punchline in sight. Cedric pops up in a second role, as lecherous Uncle Earl, and a little of this character goes a long way — say, roughly the distance from Anaheim to Albany. 1/2
THE LADYKILLERS The oddest thing about this coolly detached comedy — the Coens’ remake of a 1955 gem about a gang of thieves inadvertently thwarted by an elderly woman — is that it never feels especially funny, at least not in the knee-slapping sense. But that’s not because the movie fumbles its gags; on the contrary, they’re executed so well that paradoxically we end up admiring the intricacies behind the set pieces rather than the set pieces themselves. The same goes for Tom Hanks’ offbeat turn as the leader; his portrayal is masterful in its attention to the character’s quirks, but any pleasure we derive is because we know it’s Hanks, not because he disappears into his character. But all this isn’t meant as a putdown; in fact, this might be the first instance in which the ultimate middle-school putdown, “That’s so funny I forgot to laugh,” can be interpreted as the highest form of compliment.
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST Many of Mel Gibson’s movies have displayed a fetishistic fascination with blood and guts, and this one’s no exception. In relating the saga of Christ from his betrayal by Judas through the crucifixion, Gibson has taken the greatest story ever told and turned it into a snuff film. The pacifist teachings aren’t even allowed to take a back seat to the beatings suffered by Christ (played by Jim Caviezel) — instead, they’re locked away in the trunk, with Gibson paying them only fleeting lip service. The emphasis is squarely on employing the best visual effects, makeup designs and slo-mo camerawork that money can buy to lovingly reveal every whip mark slashed across Christ’s back, every thorn driven into His head, every nail hammered into His flesh. It’s Kill Bill for the churchgoing crowd, an unrelenting orgy of evangelical ire that’s sorely missing any type of meaningful context.
SCOOBY-DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED The 2002 Scooby-Doo was cheesy, redundant and juvenile, which means it was fairly successful at recreating the spirit of the animated series. While not entirely lacking in charm, Doo 2 isn’t as sure-footed; instead, the worst elements of the first film — the characters’ tedious soul-searching, their obsession with the media spotlight, all those flatulence gags — have been emphasized, resulting in an exhausting effort that feels longer than its 90 minutes. The big surprise before was Matthew Lillard’s dead-on Shaggy imitation; here, it’s a subplot in which Velma (Linda Cardellini) gets a beauty makeover — trust Hollywood to take the homeliest cartoon character this side of Olive Oyl, cast a real looker in the part, and then play up her hubba-hubba qualities.
WALKING TALL A remake of 1973’s sleeper hit (itself based on a true story) about an upstanding man saving his town from the clutches of crooks, this is an example of what I like to call the “2am movie.” It’s the type of film invented for night owls and insomniacs, the sort of unexceptional, no-deep-thinking-required fare that plays best with a slice of cold pizza, a can of Coke, and the neighbor’s dog incessantly howling in the background. To actually spend money to see something like this in a theater defies all logic: It’s the equivalent of using a $20 bill to create an origami elephant. The Rock possesses natural screen charisma, but there’s not much about this generic action flick that sticks in the mind. Ask me about it next month, and I probably won’t even remember if I saw it.
This article appears in Apr 14-20, 2004.
