Given television’s ravenous hunger for content, you know it’s only a matter of time before somebody at the Charlotte Convention and Visitors Bureau gets a bright idea. Since everybody knows that the cultural, metaphysical, and geographic center of the universe is located at the intersection of Trade and Tryon Streets, it’s only right, no, it is vitally important that the City of Charlotte have its very own world class cable channel to satisfy the needs of people in far flung corners of the country for instant access to Charlotte culture. This cable channel would, of course, be named “Channel Charlotte.” While many of you might think the channel would have difficulty providing 24x7x365 Charlotte programming, rest assured there is more than enough Charlotte culture to go around. Want proof? Here are just some examples of the kind of world-class, original programming Channel Charlotte might include.
The Charlotte Sports Fan Sports broadcasting with a decidedly Charlotte flavor where you feel just like a fan at the game. Panthers games are carried, but only if the weather is nice. Hornets games are on but only the first half of each game is shown and only while the team has at least a three-game winning streak going. Charlotte Knights baseball finally makes it to TV but the announcers only show up at games where free fireworks are included. Kirsten Gum provides color commentary for all games in her tight, red sweater, a garment more than worthy of commentary in its own right.
The Arty Griffith Show A North Carolina bus dispatcher tries to bring justice to an urban city with a smalltown feel by forcing the local townsfolk to ride buses they have no desire to get on, over routes which add hours to their daily commutes, to places that will have little or no impact on their lives. The show also features Kirsten Gum as Aunt B, a former depot employee who used to work with Arty until an unfortunate shoving incident left her permanently confined to a hot tub.
The Baritones Stars Burt Reynolds as Billy Joe Bob Baritone, the troubled head of a racing syndicate who’s trying to come to grips with changing family values in a sport where the omerta that built an empire is no longer honored by a new generation with changing family values. This critically acclaimed show explores the complex world of NASCAR racing where the behind the scenes maneuvering is as fast, furious, and dangerous as a three-across sprint into turn four. Also stars Jeff Burton as Ward Burton, Kyle Petty as Richard Petty, Michael Waltrip as Darrell Waltrip, and Kirsten Gum as Shawna Robinson.
The History Minute This show is actually only one clip that’s re-played every hour on the hour and will be until every damn Yankee in the country understands that it wasn’t the Civil War, it was the War of Northern Aggression, it was not about slavery but about state’s rights, Lincoln was a racist SOB, the Stars and Bars is all about heritage, and it’s far from over son. . .far from over. Narrated by Kirsten Gum dressed as Scarlett O’Hara.
School Board Survivor Watch every week as school board members do everything they can possibly think of to try to get themselves voted off.
Charlotte Undercover A weekly series hosted by Kirsten Gum in which visiting movie stars and other celebrities are stalked to find out where they buy their intimate apparel while they’re visiting the Queen City. In the event that no celebrities actually visit Charlotte during any given week, the show will recount the time Gwyneth Paltrow bought some underwear.
At The Movies Don Reid and Bill James review new movies with a decidedly Charlotte accent. Rather than being concerned with actual content, Don points out how every movie could have been made more cheaply if the producers only managed things more efficiently, and Bill enumerates which of the Ten Commandments each movie violates and how. Kirsten Gum offers her opinion on this week’s best new video releases.
This Old Housing Authority A hopelessly inept group of bureaucrats led by Incompetent-In-Chief Harrison Shamrock (Nasif Majeed) create a laugh riot as they fall all over themselves looking for clients’ applications in unlikely, wacky locations. A one-hour special stars Kirsten Gum as reporter Tara Servatius who is given a pie in the face at the same time she is denied a copy of a Housing Authority report even though it’s a matter of public record.
Knight-Ridder Doug Knight (Doug Robarchek) is a columnist at a local newspaper owned by a large national media company that, despite being the only daily paper in town, still manages to lose money. Doug travels around town in a custom (in as much as primer and duct tape are “custom”) 1982 Trans Am that can talk (voice by Kirsten Gum). There is no plot. . .he just rides around town talking to his car about stories that had been broken by the Gaston Gazette.
This Old Convention Center Kirsten Gum sits in front of a telephone for half an hour each week waiting for somebody to call and offer to buy this extremely valuable piece of property. To pass the time, she does her nails, reads some magazines and occasionally will make hilarious prank phone calls.
Bewitched A remake of the classic 1960s comedy staring Andy Dominianni as Darrin Stevens, the rather ordinary and muddling mortal ad executive married to Samantha (first played by Kirsten Gum but then mysteriously switched to Kristen Hartman in the middle of every episode), the beautiful witch who struggles to survive as a suburban housewife without using her supernatural powers. Laughs abound as neighbor Abner Kravitz (played by Rev. Joe Chambers) each week attempts to prove that Samantha is a witch so he can burn her at the stake for her own good, but is foiled in one slapstick blunder after another.
Shop Charlotte A weekly guide to the best buys in town. Host Tammy Faye Bakker Messner takes the viewer on a spirited romp through every Wal-Mart, K-Mart, and Target in the Charlotte region looking for that special something, ranging from must-have cosmetics to splurge air-conditioned doggie villas. Kirsten Gum does a special Nordstrom’s feature Buy of the Week on what you could get at Nordstrom’s if we actually had one here.
The Loomis Fargo Hillbillies Watch the weekly, wacky antics of Jed Chambers and clan as they learn to cope with sudden wealth. After spending most of their lives living in a trailer park, the Chambers suddenly find $1.3 million cash in a 55-gallon oil drum that mysteriously appears in their storage bin. Jed (played by Pat McCrory) tries to keep his family focused as Granny (Lynn Wheeler), Jethro (Joel Carter), and Ellie Mae (Kirsten Gum) suddenly find themselves in a world awash with a seemingly limitless supply of black velvet Elvis paintings. Also stars Parks Helms as banker Millburn McColl and Andrew Reyes as his assistant Jane Crutchfield.
Bite Me, Atlanta Host Kirsten Gum points out why Charlotte is better than Atlanta and lists the various ways it is superior. She also points out how we have everything that Atlanta does, only better, so we’re not trying to be like them. (Periodically pre-empted by Braves baseball.)
This article appears in Oct 13-19, 2001.
