TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION
*1/2
DIRECTED BY Michael Bay
STARS Mark Wahlberg, Stanley Tucci
As evidenced by the endurance test known as Transformers: Age of Extinction, Michael Bay’s contempt for his audience continues to be matched only by his contempt for the medium of film itself. And if he’s going to be so half-assed in putting together a major motion picture, then why should I spend time carefully constructing a review with smooth transitions and penetrating insights? To quote Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz: Fuck that noise. (Admittedly, I might be thinking of another movie.) Here, then, are 10 random bullet points that popped into my head as I mentally revisited my T:AoE experience.
· First, the good news: Transformers: Age of Extinction, the fourth in the series of films created by the dream team of Bay, Hasbro and Mephistopheles, is better than the previous sequels, 2009’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and 2011’s Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Now for the sobering afterthought: Even a case of syphilis is preferable to that torturous twofer.
· Mark Wahlberg has replaced Shia LaBeouf as the franchise’s human star. This is good news, since Wahlberg is a talented and charismatic actor and LaBeouf is an insufferable little prick. However, at least Bay had the sense to cast LaBeouf as an insufferable little prick so the master thespian wouldn’t have to play outside his range. Wahlberg, on the other hand, has been cast as a brilliant scientist, and perhaps not since Steve Guttenberg in the trite 80s flick Short Circuit has an actor labored so mightily — and failed so miserably — at convincing us that he understood what the hell he was talking about when discussing eggheaded science stuff.
· In addition to the Wahlberg-LaBeouf swap, another reason this one is marginally easier to take is because the attempts at comic relief aren’t as grotesquely conceived as in past installments. Sure, the sit-com subplot of Cade Yeager (Wahlberg) being an overprotective father to his 17-year-old daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) stirs memories of Tony Danza in She’s Out of Control (and who wants to be burdened with those memories?), and a Minion-sized Transformer severely tests viewer patience. But at least there are no Amos’n’Andy robots on hand to showcase Bay’s racial insensitivity — and no shot of John Turturro’s bare buttocks, either.
· Speaking of Turturro… It used to be that name actors would accept small paychecks just for the opportunity to appear in a Woody Allen movie. In these increasingly capitalist times, the trend now is for accomplished performers to accept hefty paychecks for whoring themselves out in Transformers flicks. Now joining the past likes of Turturro, Frances McDormand and John Malkovich is Stanley Tucci, who hams it up as a scientist creating his own line of Transformers through application of the rare metal known as Transformium (hand to God, I didn’t just make that name up).
· According to this film, dinosaurs were wiped off the earth by aliens, and this somehow also led to the creation of Transformer dinosaurs known as Dinobots. I gotta confess, I do like it when movies teach me something new about history and the real world surrounding me.
· No one goes to a Transformers flick expecting to hear immortal dialogue along the lines of “Forget it, Jake; it’s Chinatown” or “What we have here is failure to communicate” or even “Yo, Adrian!” but the banter concocted by scripter Ehren Kruger has the proven ability to make ears bleed. “Where’s your warrant?” asks Yeager of a black-ops creep (Titus Welliver) on the hunt for Optimus Prime. “My face is my warrant!” comes the ingenious reply. Wait, what? Oh, never mind. There’s also a moment when hissable right-wing zealot Harold Attinger (played by hissable right-wing zealot Kelsey Grammer) states, “We have a saying here on Earth. The enemy of my enemy is my friend,” to which the evil Decepticon bounty hunter Lockdown replies, “I also have a saying. I don’t care!” “I don’t care”? Is Lockdown a formidable enemy from outer space or a petulant Judd Nelson in a mid-80s Brat Pack flick?
· In preparation for my upcoming cookouts with family and friends, I need to buy some more charcoal at Harris Teeter. Yes, I realize that this has absolutely nothing to do with the actual movie, but it was one of the many thoughts that randomly popped into my head during the interminable battle that takes up the final portion of the film. After all, it’s hard to stay focused when what’s happening on the big screen is even less exciting than watching golf on TV after having been sleep-deprived for two days. During this grueling stretch of stench, I also daydreamed about my lovely wife, what sort of puppy we should get, early holiday deadlines, and the delicious Kahlua-filled marshmallows I enjoyed at a wild party held this past weekend. I’m pretty sure I also pondered rising gas prices at some point.
· I like John Goodman a lot … except when he’s providing the voice for an annoying redneck Transformer named Hound. Also, his Transformer has a beard and chomps a cigar. Nuff said.
· As expected, product placements run rampant in this film, with one of the primary offenders being Bud Light. That’s OK by me: A crappy American beer deserves to be partnered with a crappy American movie.
· Transformers: Age of Extinction lasts 167 minutes. In this case, that’s not a running time. That’s a prison sentence.
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This article appears in Jul 2-8, 2014.
Do not listen to the detractors for nothing on Earth will ever satisfy your inner Transformers geek more than witnessing the utter, complete and total redemption of Michael Bay. With one glorious fell swoop this evidently slow-to-warm-up-but-eventually-wizard-like filmmaker has expunged all his previous crimes against the Transformers fan base and finally delivered them to their deservedly blissful state of Cybertronian nirvana.
Like a twenty first century Jesus armed with $200 million dollars, Bay has redeemed even the gravest of the sins of our childhood. Not only has he risen phoenix-like, still burning yet majestic, from the putrid black ashes that remained from the burning of our childhood dreams and his own reputation. Incredibly, he has somehow also redeemed the once unforgivable abomination that was the ascension of Rodimus Prime. In one two and half hour expedition to the pinnacle of awesomeness he has made whole the millions of innocent hearts so cynically and selfishly broken all those years ago.
Suddenly the pain and confusion that was so cruelly and needlessly inflicted upon us in 1986 can be forgotten. Even the fresher scars, the proverbial salt in the wound that is the memory of the first three piles of turd rubbed onto celluloid that Bay tried to pass off as Transformers films, have been forever healed. Like faithful, stubborn and persistent visitors to a highly priced and extremely talented plastic surgeon, we have had our scars forever erased.
All those that have ever nestled into the sometimes prickly and often disappointing bosom of the Transformers geekdom, go forth like pilgrims to thine local cinema. Flock now so that you all can finally revel in your long overdue and much deserved cinematic birthright: a truly epic journey into the elusive and sublime joys of well thought-out and skilfully delivered Transformers ‘fan service’.
This movie isn’t for the hordes. It isn’t for the unfortunate souls that weren’t brought up living and breathing robots from Cybertron. It’s not for the critics. It’s an expensive, much belated and exclusive gift made especially just for you. An epic, royally triumphant and completely kick-ass Transformers movie that respects the fan base while also creating a new folklore that not only doesn’t make you want to stab yourself in the face with a rusty nail while having your eyeballs lacerated by a million paper cuts, it is actually pretty awesome in its own right.
A true fan will find it almost impossible not to love this film. It is simply that good.
Michael Bay I never thought I would ever say this but, thank you. Even the $600 million odd dollars and approximately seven and a half hours of my life you wasted setting up the story line of this movie with those first three abominations now seems like time and money well spent.
For after nearly thirty long years of shattered hopes and unfulfilled expectations, finally our inner 6 year olds can live the dream. Finally we can stand on the apex of the Mount Everest of 1980’s nostalgia – and wholeheartedly and enthusiastically enjoy a Transformers movie for the first time – all the while being snugly wrapped in a delightful bubble of restored faith, emancipation from loss and total satisfaction.
Do not take heed of reviews written by people that have never transformed a toy from a robot to a car in their lives. Do not be distracted by accounts of gratuitous product placement. Worry not about a repeat of previously indecipherable shot composition and editing. Cleanse yourself of the horrible memory that is Shia LeBeouf.
This film delivers much more in the way of fan service than any of the previous films. Some of it is subtle, some quite overt (Galvatron transforming into a cannon and Optimus spending some time looking much like his G1 alter ego in truck form are notable examples). The movie is peppered with a lot of little touches that would probably be lost on people new to Transformers, but that had me clapping the screen at stages. Some people actually applauded the movie when it ended.
It’s like they finally aimed it at the fan base, rather than take it for granted that the fan base would go anyway and trying to make it work for everyone else. And I for one appreciated those touches as they have been sorely missing from the franchise. But regardless of whether that stuff resonates with you or not it still has a much better plot than any of the other films and importantly it’s a grand spectacle – almost without a doubt bigger and more outrageous than any other movie in history, period. It is simply EPIC.
Anyone that is a true Transformers fan obviously wants to and tries to like these movies. Three times previous to this I have failed in this task more or less and pretty much became a card carrying member of the &@#% You Michael Bay You Killed My Childhood club. Yet this time when they take it in yet another direction that is completely incongruous with the beloved and sacred G1 mythology – I totally went with them instead of fighting it. And actually, it is pretty damn cool. I didn’t have to try to like this movie. As a Transformers mega-geek Age of Extinction was inherently enjoyable to me in nearly every way. Plus as I said it has a lot of delicious little morsels for the old school fans that just become the cherry on top of a very sweet sundae.
I am honestly and truly sorry for anyone that thinks they are a Transformers fan but that doesn’t absolutely love this movie. I think it is just a horrible defect in their personality. They will never be happy unless watching the movie is a mere carbon copy of their experiences watching the G1 cartoon. Yes Michael didn’t go in the direction we wanted him to at first. But where he has ended up should allow us to forgive if not forget and appreciate the unique and incredible nature of this motion picture.
When we thought all hope was lost, Michael Bay has given us what we have been wanting all these years. But for some their own cynicism will not allow them to celebrate the occasion. To them I say let the 6 year old inside you finally let go of all the pain and rip up your Bay Haters membership card.
All the Transformers aficionados that are brow beaten, dejected and void of all hope should rest assured that finally Michael Bay has miraculously managed to not completely &@#% up a Transformers film.
The jaded, dejected and resentful among the once wide-eyed and awestruck Transformers mega-geeks: rejoice! For you are the chosen ones. You are the chosen few for whom Transformers: Age of Extinction won’t be a loud and obnoxious destruction of two and a half perfectly good hours of your life. It will be an exhilarating, deeply satisfying and ultimately spiritual experience.