Of all the music-related things I’ve ever written, some of the strongest negative reactions I’ve received came when I dared talk about the band KISS, and moreover, its horribly pedestrian (at least that’s what I called it then*), paint-by-numbers music. I think I also mentioned a little something about how the last two letters of the band’s name/logo eerily resembled the Nazi “SS” symbol. (Mind you, I also mentioned that I was aware that Gene Simmons was Jewish, so hold your letters.)
Hell hath no fury, it seems, like a KISS fan scorned — letters demanding my resignation poured in for weeks. It was at that point that I learned a little something: lots of bands have fans, but KISS has fanatics. Bassist Gene Simmons, no saint but also no fool, was quick to pick up on this back in the band’s late 1970s heyday and turned up the hellfire even hotter, branding the band’s logo and image on anything not nailed down. Over the years, this has given us KISS condoms, the craptacular TV movie KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park, KISS coffins, and, most recently, KISS Her and KISS Him fragrances.
As such, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that Simmons and Co. decided to add a coffeehouse to their ever-burgeoning empire of holdings. And why not? After set-up, you’ve got a low-overhead/high traffic little venture going on, plus a place to sell other KISS-related geegaws! It seems like a no-miss venture, especially in the tourist haven of Myrtle Beach, S.C., where I visited to sample the shop’s wares — and on Halloween, no less.
Finding the KISS Coffeehouse, which is located in the Broadway at the Beach shopping center’s “Celebrity Square,” isn’t all that hard. Just look for the giant, smoke-exhaling demon boot, and you’re in like sin. It’s not a large place, necessarily — about the size of your average Starbucks, but there are five or so tables inside, a large bar/counter, a condiment/sugar/creamer stand, and, tucked in the back, a t-shirt/memorabilia alcove. On the day I visited, there was even a young man getting some Paul Stanley face paint applied.
Deciding against the Coffeehouse’s “hotter than hell” heated coffees, I ordered two 20-ounce “Rockuccinos”: a “Cinnamon Rollover” and a “British Toffee Invasion.” Figuring I might as hell go ahead and blow my sugar quota for the week, I also ordered the rather boringly-monikered “chocolate turtle brownie” and a white chocolate/macadamia nut cookie. (Can’t brand everything, I suppose.)
Wonder of wonders, both rockuccinos were pretty damn good, containing an appropriate mixture of ice cream and coffee and spice, and more than big enough to assuage all but the biggest sweet tooth. The brownie was chunky and gooey, and almost as rich as … well, Gene Simmons. While I was slightly disappointed that the cookie — big enough to feed two folks easily — didn’t have Peter Criss’ image icing-ed onto it, it pleased me more than listening to “Strutter” ever did.
Also available are four different hot coffees ($2 for “gold” and $2.75 for a “platinum”) — “Demon Dark Roast,” “Kiss Army Blend,” “Room Service” and the decaffeinated “Kiss Unplugged” — hot “rockuccinos” and “rockiatos,” a “Rocket Ride Espresso,” four varieties of Lattes (including “French Kiss Vanilla”), Kiss Cocoa, and a variety of teas. There are also cold versions of most of these drinks, and “Kiss Koolers” and frozen hot chocolate. As I didn’t want to have to “Shout It Out Loud” or call Dr. Love due to an overdose of glucose, I merely admired these sweet treats from afar and rocked my rockuccino.
One thing the KISS Coffeehouse can boast over ordinary coffeehouses is the décor. Beside the aforementioned Giant Smoking Boot, there’s also a pair of Gene Simmons’ platform boots on display, as well as an entire Simmons stage outfit. There’s also one of his now-infamous “ax axes,” a bass guitar which is designed with a faux blade on the side, no doubt to deal with pesky journalists like yours truly. There is also, on infinite repeat on a flat screen TV, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. Miss it — or watch it, depending — at your own peril.
I think Gene and Co. might have won me over, however. It’s not the kind of place you want to visit to work on your term paper — unless, of course, listening to KISS at high volume helps spur your creativity — but it’s fun enough as an occasional treat when at the coast, and a must-visit for KISS fans. Right now, the KISS Coffeehouse is the only one of its kind in the world.
After I’d gotten my coffee, I waited as the rather innocent-looking young coffee barista rang up my order. After she punched it all in and tax was added, my total came to a rather satanic-sounding $16.66. She glanced at me, I glanced at her, and we both turned to look at a grinning, tongue-at-full-extension mural of Simmons on the wall and laughed out loud.
Another one converted to the dark side.
(* And, upon further review, would update to merely “pedestrian.”)
Timothy C. Davis is an associate editor with Gravy, the official newsletter of the Southern Foodways Alliance. His food writing has appeared in Gastronomica, Saveur, the Christian Science Monitor, and the food Web site www.egullet.com. He may be contacted at timothycdavis1@gmail.com.
This article appears in Nov 15-21, 2006.
