Dear Santa,
It’s me again. And yes, I have been a good, well, ok boy this year. I know next week is Christmas so I wanted to get my list to you in time because I think this year it’s gonna take some work on your part to get all this done. But you’re the guy that makes things happen this time of the year, right? And look at this way, the below list might be tough, but it’s not just for me – this is for the good of all man (and woman) kind! I’m not asking for a 50” flat screen or a Wii (although if you have a few extras, I’d be happy to help lighten your load).
We can both agree the music world needs some help, so below is my list of things you can do to save the day. You can make 2010 the comeback year for music! You’ll be a hero! I even put them in order of importance with the least important first and the most important last – trying to make it easy on you big guy. So without further ado:
10. Auto-tune – Can we officially kill this please? I know Jay-Z already tried, but I figure with your clout this could be a done deal. Sorry, T-Pain.
9. Pink – woman? Or post-op tranny? Can we please get a “once and for all” official ruling on this? Teenage boys across the globe are worried – should they think she’s hot? Is it wrong to think she’s hot? Is she a woman or is this the final scene of The Crying Game all over again? For the sake of the kids, man!
8. Michael Jackson – Let the man R.I.P. No more magazines, movies, documentaries or flashing his creepy family all over the news.
7. No more SUPER-BANDS – they all suck and you know it. Do we really need another Chickenfoot album? Or can we at least combine them all into one mega-group and just get it over with?
6. Four words – Guitar Hero – WHAM! Edition. Make. It. Happen.
5. Ban John Mayer from the tabloids. Do we really need to see what incredibly hot woman he’s landed now? The men of the world’s self esteem is already shot – why let this man continue to rub it in.
4. Take Lady Ga(g)Ga(g) back to the North Pole with you – we’ve had enough of her down here.
3. No more celebrities releasing albums. This means you Scarlett Johansson, Billy Bob Thornton, Paris Hilton, and the like. We mean it. Just stop.
2. Would it kill you to let some decent music make it on the radio? I mean really. Give us a break. Play some Robert Francis, Darrell Scott, Pat Davis, David Berkeley, NeedtoBreathe, Paul Thorn, Simplified, Vampire Weekend. There is good music in the world. Now people just need to hear it.
1. Hannah Montana and The Jonas Brothers – They need to play a gig in let’s say Outer Mongolia. Maybe middle of the Sahara. And make that ticket one way please. Just use a punch of cardboard cut-outs as “fans”. They’ll never know the difference.
Thanks big guy. I know you can make this happen. 2010 can be THE YEAR for music – it’s a new decade and everything.
Much love,
Jason
P.S. If there are any additional requests below, hook ‘em up too. The readers have been REALLY good this year. It’s the holidays – give a little!
This article appears in Dec 15-21, 2009.
9. Pink – definitely a woman.
Lady Gaga – I’m not so sure.
7. Chickenfoot is pure cock rock, but have you heard Them Crooked Vultures? Good stuff!
6. I hope that’s sarcasm.
3. Scarlett’s album with Pete Yorn is really good… her solo album – sucked.
Jeff – Agree with you on Pink. I’m not even sure if Lady GaGa is human or not.
7. Have not hear Them Crooked Vultures – will give them a listen and a pass if they rock as you say.
6. You have any idea what kind of hit it would be at parties to be “rockin'” out to Wham?!? only kidding – sorta.
3. Agree – the dig was meant at her solo “album” – if thats what it could even be called.
Santa,
1 – I would like to have Nickelback deported. These guys are worthless.
2 – Can you drop some LSD or some shrooms off at the members of Shinedown’s house, I think they are on to something, but they need a kick in the right direction.
3 – Will you tell Jack White to continue what he is doing, and maybe setup a staged meeting with him and Dave Grohl…that would be amazing.
4 – Thank you for the Post Layne Staley – AIC, I needed that this year.
Chichenfoot rocks! Why would they need a new album when the 1st album just when gold in Canada today. Its already gold in America, Europe and more. Yeah the album, as in record. That doesn’t include cd’s or digital downloads. How many gold albums do you have jackass? Respect the Foot. /|