The strangest thing happened to me the other night. I was at Howl at the Moon standing against the bar waiting to order a drink.
The piano men started playing “Lean on Me” — the theme song from my favorite movie, which gives me the warm and fuzzies. So, I felt compelled to put my arm around my friend, and my other arm around the girl standing next to me that I didn’t know (it was so crowded I was already invading her personal space by default) and we all started swaying in perfect unison and singing along.
No, that’s not the strange part … it gets weirdly worse.
All of the sudden, I felt a hand implant itself with a firm grip between my thighs. I turn around and connect the hand to an older woman. Now, that is not the kind of warm and fuzzies I was talking about.
I turned to my friend to get a second opinion. “Please direct your attention to my crotch — is it just me, or is there some woman grabbing it?”
She looked down at the woman’s hand, looked behind me at the woman singing at the top of her lungs (acting oblivious), and looked back at me in shock. She repeated these motions three times before she responded as though she was breaking the news to me that I have some form of incurable disease, “No, there is some woman grabbing your crotch right now.”
If a man had done that I would have grabbed his slap-happy hand and slapped the shit out of him. But I didn’t feel like I could do that to this woman. I didn’t know what the hell to do. So, I just scooted my crotch out of her reach and made a beeline to the bathroom.
My vagina had just been violated — and it made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
Was it some form of mating call I didn’t get the memo about because I’m strictly dickly? And why was my reaction different because it was a woman; have you ever heard of a cat fight over a crotch?
Now, I realize that in our sexual society, hooking-up has been made easy due to advancements in technology and deductions of fabric in fashion. Even booty calls have been simplified with text messaging. I can’t help but wonder, has the genital grab move ever worked on someone — is this like the girl who responded to catcalling, making some men (and apparently some women) think that it’s both appropriate and effective? Is chivalry dead, or just on life support? Whatever happened to romance … or just reaching for the stars as opposed to someone’s crotch?
This article appears in Aug 27 – Sep 2, 2008.
