5 Musical Artist Names That Are A Joy To Say Aloud
1. The Bevis Frond
2. Gastr del Sol
3. Foo Fighters
4. The GZA
5. Bjork
— Tim C. Davis
Top 5 Languid Charlotte-Area Acts
(In No Particular Order)
1. Pyramid
2. The Houston Brothers
3. The Goldenrods
4. Les Dirt Clods
5. The Interstellars
— Tim C. Davis
5 Excuses I’ve Used To Leave A Bad Show Early
1. My girlfriend’s sick.
2. I need to find an ATM. (If bar has an ATM? “It won’t take my card.”)
3. I’m gonna go get my phone.
4. Mind if I go outside and smoke?
5. I have to be at work early tomorrow. (weekdays only)
— Tim C. Davis
Top Six Ryan Adams Fatwas
1. Jack White
2. Himself
3. Jeff Tweedy
4. Fans Who Yell Out For Bryan Adams Songs
5. Rhett Miller (fatwa since rescinded)
6. Chad Kroeger (Nickelback)
— Tim C. Davis
Top Five Worst Jingoistic Songs Released By (Mostly) Hat-Country Artists
1. Have You Forgotten? — Darryl Worley
2. Proud To Be An American — Lee Greenwood
3. Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue (The Angry American) — Toby Keith
4. Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning?) — Alan Jackson
5. Let’s Roll — Neil Young
— Tim C. Davis
Five Best 9/11-Related Songs
1. Your Flag Decal (Won’t Get You Into Heaven) — John Prine (not a post-9/11 song, per se, but rings as true now as it ever did)
2. Far Away — Sleater-Kinney
3. John Walker’s Blues — Steve Earle
4. Rules — Wu-Tang Clan
5. Mary’s Place — Bruce Springsteen
— Tim C. Davis
15 Geniuses Left Off Of Blender’s “Top 50 Rock Geniuses” List
1. Buddy Holly
2. Holger Czukay (Can)
3. Sam Cooke
4. Marvin Gaye
5. Roger McGuinn
6. Sly Stone
7. Frank Zappa
8. Duane Allman
9. Andy Partridge/XTC
10. Joni Mitchell
11. Muddy Waters
12. Beck
13. Morrissey
14. Michael Stipe/REM
15. Todd Rundgren
— Tim C. Davis
20 Worst Popular Songs of the 60s & 70s
1. It Must Be Him — Vikki Carr
2. Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl) — Looking Glass
3. Honey — Bobby Goldsboro
4. Ballad of the Green Berets — SSgt. Barry Sadler
5. Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree — Tony Orlando & Dawn
6. Havin’ My Baby — Paul Anka
7. Feelings — Morris Albert
8. Jean — Oliver (written by Rod McKuen)
9. More Today Than Yesterday — Spiral Staircase
10. Muskrat Love — America
11. Sure Gonna Miss Her — Gary Lewis & the Playboys
12. You Better Sit Down Kids — Cher
13. You Light Up My Life — Debby Boone
14. Precious and Few — Climax
15. Young Girl — Gary Puckett & the Union Gap
16. Alone Again (Naturally) — Gilbert O’Sullivan
17. Me and You and A Dog Named Boo — Lobo
18. I Am Woman — Helen Reddy
19. The Night Chicago Died — Paper Lace
20. Fly, Robin, Fly — Silver Convention
— John Grooms
10 Ways To Tell A Record Is Going To Suck:
1. It has a picture of the band on the back of the album, probably looking pensive.
2. It was released by Universal.
3. The band is described as “a great Southern rock band from Brooklyn.” (Actually happened!)
4. It’s “in the style of Santana’s Supernatural” (i.e., the artist must be propped up by numerous guest musicians in a thinly veiled attempt to cross-market the record to various demographics).
5. “Angst” is mentioned anywhere in the press materials.
6. The band name has more than four words in it (exception given to And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead and Queens of the Stone Age.)
7. You pick it up thinking it’s a collection of songs performed by a stunning new porn star, then notice it’s the debut release from Nashville’s latest country music starlet.
8. It’s produced by Robert John “Mutt” Lange.
9. “Clive Davis really believes in it!”
10. It’s by Third Eye Blind.
— Tim C. Davis
Top 5 Annoying Band Fan Bases
1. Parrotheads (Jimmy Buffett)
2. The Kiss Army
3. Spreadheads (Widespread Panic)
4. Deadheads
5. Tori Amos-heads
— Tim C. Davis
Seven Worst Cell Phone Ring Songs We’ve Heard
1. Jimmy Crack Corn
2. Chopsticks
3. Dixie (specifically, like the horn on the General Lee, the car in Dukes of Hazzard)
4. Jingle Bells
5. The Wedding March
6. Stars and Stripes Forever, aka Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends
7. Ride of the Valkyries by Wagner
— Ann Wicker
16 Odd But Real Band Names
1. Amplexus
2. Baby Shit Brown
3. Blind Penis Trousersnake
4. Cap’n Crunch & the Cereal Killers
5. Colostomy For A Day
6. Cowboy Mouth
7. Flat Dead Cat
8. Gregory’s Pecker
9. Impotent Sea Snakes
10. Jesus Lizard
11. King Shitbag
12. Liquid Sex Decay
13. Mortufairy
14. Pabst Smear
15. Pus Garglers
16. Raggedy Aneurysm
— Ann Wicker
5 Bands That Use Elvis In Their Name
1. The Elvis Diet
2. Elvis and the Shitheads
3. Elvis Hitler
4. Hot Buttered Elvis
5. Cannibal Elvis
— Ann Wicker
This article appears in Mar 12-18, 2003.
