Crime may not pay, but it does make for a good story. That’s why the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department for years have provided Creative Loafing with fodder that’s at times hilarious, bewildering, misanthropy-inducing, sobering and depressing. And that never-ending supply of illegal activity also makes it easier to compile this, our annual collection of the best of the worst assaults, burglaries, threats and more that appeared in our weekly crime column — the Blotter — this year.
So when you give thanks this holiday season, be grateful that the people in these police mini-dramas aren’t your friends or family. And if they are, well, be grateful you’re still alive.
FAMILY MATTERS
Sleeping arrangements: An 18-year-old woman said she and her brother got into an argument and he beat her up. The argument erupted over who was going to sleep in which room.
Dangers of D-I-Y remodeling: A 46-year-old woman said she was assaulted by a family member for moving furniture in his house without permission. The woman was a guest in her relative’s home and took it upon herself to do a little remodeling. When her relative saw what she did, he became angry and tried to push a china cabinet on her.
‘Tis the season of giving: A 22-year-old woman said she let her brother stay with her for a couple of days, and during his stay she noticed that one of her designer dresses was missing. She confronted her brother about the missing dress, and he said he gave it to his girlfriend as a gift.
Determined Harasser: A 67-year-old man said he is the victim of harassment. He said one of his family members is determined to get him fired from his job and has called his workplace numerous times to do so. He said his relative has also sent 85 e-mails to his job in an attempt to get him fired. The man is sick of it and wants the harassment to stop.
Family feud: A 31-year-old woman said a family member told her, “I’m coming down to kick your ass!” The woman said her family member is mad because she reported her to food stamp authorities.
Family feud, part 2: A woman said that she was arguing with a relative when the relative threw a pot of hot pork and beans in her face, resulting in a trip to the hospital.
Family feud, part 3: A 53-year-old woman said she was arguing with her sister when the sister hid the woman’s car keys. The woman left and returned to the sister’s house, golf club in tow. The woman’s niece was waiting with a butcher knife threatening to stab her.
THE 911 CALL BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE
This isn’t spring break: A man tried to recreate a Girls Gone Wild moment by throwing a bucket of water on a female acquaintance. The woman got pissed and called the cops. She plans to put a restraining order on the man because he keeps harassing her.
A convict’s love: A 20-year-old woman received mail from an ex-boyfriend serving time in a penitentiary, but it wasn’t exactly a love letter: The man threatened to beat the woman’s ass when he got out of jail.
The thrill is gone: A 41-year-old woman said her estranged husband won’t stop harassing her. She said he sent her two letters. One was 20 pages long and, according to her, contained nothing but lies and slander about her and their relationship. He also came to her home and parked his vehicle behind her car for 30 minutes for no apparent reason other than to harass and annoy her. She said she’s sick of him constantly trying to contact her and wants it to stop because the fire in the relationship is gone.
A girl’s got to have standards: A 54-year-old woman and her male friend went from hotel to hotel, hoping to find a room they could afford so they could have sex. Alas, they didn’t have enough money, so the man suggested they have sex outside. When the woman refused, the man became irate and pushed her into some bushes.
Police critic: A 45-year-old woman said she got into an argument with a male friend. He said, “I’ll kill you, bitch!” The man then picked up a brick and threatened the woman again. The woman ran into her house and called police. When the police arrived, the man continued his threats saying, “Look how long it took the police to get here! I could have been done killed you.”
Every woman’s dream: A 24-year-old woman said her ex-boyfriend phoned and threatened her with bodily harm. The man said, “You think you will mess with another guy. You’re pregnant with my baby. I will kill that [dude], and since you don’t want to be with me or have an abortion, I will kill you. I will tie your body up and throw you in a six-foot-deep river.” Damn.
The joys of marriage: A 66-year-old man and his wife got into an argument. His wife, tired of listening to him run his mouth, maced him in the face.
Untrustworthy relatives: A 23-year-old woman said her brother stole her food stamp card and refused to give it back. She said he also had a key to her house and he wouldn’t return that either.
Don’t mess with her man: A 41-year-old woman said she and her daughter got into an argument because she disapproves of her daughter’s new boyfriend. When the mother thought the argument was over, she went to her bedroom. She said her daughter barged into her room, pulled out a knife and cut her.
He’s not that into you: A 20-year-old man said a woman he briefly dated has been harassing him. He said over the course of eight days, the woman has called him 500 times. She continues to pursue him. He said they only dated two weeks, and now he can’t shake her ass.
FRENEMIES
Hold the salsa: A 20-year-old woman and her male friend stopped by a Mexican restaurant on North Tryon Street to grab a bite. Their casual outing took a turn for the worst when the two started fighting. The man became so angry that he couldn’t even eat his food. Instead he picked up his taco and smashed it in her face.
Psycho friend: A 20-year-old woman said her male friend became angry with her and went totally psycho. She said he defecated in her handbag, broke her necklace and cell phone charger, and damaged her clothes with feces and blood. She said he also left bloody tissues in her handbag.
Felonious stupidity: A 59-year-old woman said a female acquaintance called her at home and threatened to kill her. The woman called police because she believed the former friend would make good on the threat. Police later told the woman her former friend called 911, threatening to kill any police officer who investigated the incident.
Just say no to drugs: A 28-year-old man let his friend borrow his 1999 GM Envoy, expecting him to return it the next day. When no truck materialized, the man told an officer that he probably wasn’t using his best judgment when he let the friend borrow the truck – because he was high.
PHONE HIJINKS
Irresponsible parenting: A 34-year-old woman said the mother of her daughter’s classmate called her home and threatened her. She said the woman has called at least four times saying, “If I see you out, I will fuck you up.” She said the threats are directed toward her daughter. She believes the woman is calling because their daughters got into an altercation at school and, instead of letting them work it out, she wants to intervene with violence.
Committed prankster: A 53-year-old man said for the past four years someone has continually called him and hung up. He reported the person has called him at least 1,460 times on his home phone. He said the caller never says anything and hangs up as soon as he answers.
50 ways to kill: A victim called police to report that a known suspect had communicated a threat to him. The suspect stated to the victim, “I want to kill you in several different ways. I want to poison you. I want to peel the skin off your body and pull your eyeballs out of your head.” The victim stated that this has been happening for a while. We guess the suspect just can’t make up his mind.
Friend or foe: A 26-year-old woman said a friend filed her taxes for her as a favor. She said the tax return money, which amounted to $7,524, was supposed to be sent to her home, but the check never came. The friend had the money deposited into her own checking account.
Technological thug: A 22-year-old woman reported that her ex-boyfriend had called her eight times after being forbidden to contact her. When the victim refused to answer the calls, the ex sent a picture message of himself pointing a large caliber automatic pistol at the camera. If you have any telegrams in the near future, stay away from those.
Heads up: A 31-year-old man said he received several threatening calls from a long-time foe. The most menacing call came when the man said, “I already paid someone to kill you, enjoy your last two days alive.”
FIVE-FINGER DISCOUNT
Meals to go: An employee at a Circle K on Sugar Creek Road said a man walked into the store, grabbed two meals from the frozen foods section and proceeded to heat them in the store’s microwave. After he warmed the meals, he removed them from the microwave and walked out of the store without paying for them.
And the winner is …: A 75-year-old woman was duped out of $8,000 by someone who claimed the woman won millions of dollars from Publishers Clearing House. The woman said she got a letter from someone informing her that she won the grand prize and a check was included. The letter instructed the woman to call a man at a specific number. When she called, he told her to cash the check and send him a check for $8,000 to pay for taxes and fees associated with her winnings. The woman did as she was instructed. Too bad for her she found out the check was counterfeit after she mailed the $8,000 check to the man.
Taking everything: A 24-year-old man reported that somebody broke into his car and stole a few things. A tachometer, a CD player face, drill bits and a TV screen were stolen. Looks like they got everything but the … oh wait, no, they stole the kitchen sink, too. Seriously, they stole a kitchen sink out of this guy’s Honda.
Everything but the kitchen sink: The manager of Wingate Place Apartments said a tenant moved out in the middle of the night without giving any notice, taking the stove and refrigerator with him.
Screwy thief: A 19-year-old Home Depot employee said a man entered the store, picked up two drills and walked out. The employee said as he attempted to stop the man from leaving, the man dropped the drills and pulled out a screwdriver. The man yelled, “I have AIDS,” stabbed the employee in the hand, got into a car and drove away.
Blame it on the rain: A 36-year-old man said someone broke into his home on Central Avenue by smashing his rear sliding glass door and stole only a $10 green-and-white umbrella. Coincidently, it was raining that day.
Never trust a hooker: A 44-year-old man said his money and property were stolen by a prostitute he invited to his apartment. He brought the woman home to have sex, he paid her and she left. But she didn’t leave with just the cash the man gave her; she took his coat that contained $365 and his cell phone.
Dresses for every occasion: An officer pulled a woman over for a routine traffic stop when he noticed she had an unusual amount of clothes in her backseat. After further investigation, he found that the woman had stolen the clothes, which amounted to 16 formal dresses, from her employer, David’s Bridal.
Something’s fishy: Police were called to a pharmacy after a man stuffed a number of different types of air fresheners in his pants and ran from the store. Store employees reported that he has done this before and has never been caught. Do the police not have K-9 units? Follow the scent! OK, that was too easy.
The devil steals Prada: A woman said she accidentally left her Prada purse at the playground of her apartment complex, but when she came back to retrieve it, it was gone. She said two weeks later all the contents of her purse were mailed back to her, with the exception of the purse.
Puppy theft: A 39-year-old woman said someone broke into her home while she was there and stole her dog. Twenty minutes later, the thief returned and gave the dog back.
Dumb criminal alert: An 18-year-old woman reported that she lost her cell phone. When she called her phone, a man picked up, admitted to having her phone, but said he wouldn’t give it back without a reward. He told the woman that he was at work at a CVS in Dilworth and she could drop the money off to him there. The woman called the police. They went to the man’s job and recovered the phone.
Crooks out for revenge: An employee at Empire Gear Wear observed a woman trying to steal jeans and a pair of shorts. He kicked the woman out of the store. She threatened to beat his ass and then left the scene. A few minutes later, she returned with a huge rock in her hands and hurled it through the store’s front window.
Great parenting: They say when you have a baby, it’s not all about you anymore. This rings true in the ears of criminals as well. During one car break-in, the suspect made off with a portable CD player and TV, and he didn’t forget to bring home gifts for his child. The suspect also took a black baby bag, which held a breast pump and two bottles. In an unrelated case, a man walked into a Family Dollar, grabbed some Johnson’s baby lotion and a box of Johnson’s baby wipes and ran to an awaiting car that sped off.
Punk’d, badly: A 34-year-old woman said she was swindled out of $2,500 at an Exxon gas station. A person she didn’t know approached her trying to sell her name brand perfume at a discounted price. The woman decided she could buy a bunch of the perfume and sell it at a higher price later. She gave the person the money, but the person never returned with the perfume.
CRAZY BUSINESS
False advertisement: A 28-year-old woman said she answered an ad placed in The Charlotte Observer to purchase dogs. She spoke with the person who placed the ad and was told to send money to have the dogs delivered. She sent the money, but the person wouldn’t send the dogs until the woman sent more money. The woman said the person also asked for additional money to help place an ad for a friend who was trying to sell monkeys.
Catalytic catastrophe: A 45-year-old man hired a bootleg mechanic to come to his home and work on his car, which was broken down in his yard. The mechanic worked on the car several times between April and June, but it was still not running properly. The man took his car to an auto shop to find out exactly what was wrong with it, and the shop told him the car was missing its catalytic converter. The man asked the bootleg mechanic what happened to the catalytic converter and the mechanic responded that he sold it for money to buy other parts for the car.
A family that fights together: A health clinic employee said a male patient was unhappy with the service he received and called the facility several times cursing the staff. Not satisfied with merely phoning in the verbal assaults, the man and his wife came to the facility and cursed the staff some more.
Labor dispute: An employee at Carolina Medical Center said a man phoned, demanding to speak with the person who fired his girlfriend. The man said it wasn’t right that his girlfriend was canned and he was “mad as hell” about it. He told the employee, “If I come up there, there will be bloodshed.”
Arson for the people: A store owner was taking pictures of homeless people sleeping outside his business. A man walking by didn’t think what the store owner was doing was very kind, so he told the store owner that he was going to burn his business down.
Deep trouble: A realty company filed a police report regarding some serious damage done to a house that it was trying to sell. An unknown suspect broke into this house and got to work on his own refreshing form of vandalism. The suspect cut the water lines, causing the entire house to fill with water. This caused $50,000 in damage.
Family matters: A 37-year-old woman called police to report her daughter for breaking and entering. Apparently, the daughter broke the door frame by pushing or kicking the door in and proceeded to take a little less than $1,000 in clothes, jewelry and shoes from her mother. When she was ready to leave, it was time for this genius of a daughter to cover her tracks. This is when she nailed the door frame back in place and painted it … a different color than the rest of the door. Police are in the process of obtaining video surveillance that may show this act, and we would like to see it too. If only to see this girl kick in a door frame.
JUST PLAIN WEIRD
Poop happens: A 59-year-old man said someone defecated and urinated on his pool house every day for a week. He said poop and pee stains left on the wood surface of his pool house will not come out. He said the incident happened at night while he was sleeping.
Parking Uptown can be brutal: A 23-year-old woman was searching for a place to park Uptown. When she spotted a space, she swung her car into it, unaware that another woman also had her eye on the spot. The other woman, thinking the space rightfully hers, jumped out of her car and told the woman she was going to beat her ass if she didn’t move her car.
The ol’ switcheroo: A 37-year-old woman told police that at some point during about a 24-hour period, an unknown suspect stole her son’s red bike from the backyard and replaced it with another red bike, probably of lesser value. The theft was not realized until they looked closer at the bike in the yard. This should be smiled upon: we go through lots of police reports and have seen a lot of things reported stolen, and we can tell you that people who steal PlayStation 3s don’t usually leave behind any PS2s.
Delayed reaction: A 20-year-old man called police to his home in reference to an assault. He said he was woken up by someone stabbing him multiple times with a pair of metal scissors. Noticing the man wasn’t bleeding, the officer dug for more details. Turns out the incident happened more than two months ago.
Attack of the pink panther: A 26-year-old woman said someone painted all the bricks on her home pink. She tried to remove the paint, but it wouldn’t come off. She said she has no idea who could be responsible.
Brawling mamas: Two women got into a fight after a camera went missing. One woman claimed that the other woman – angry that her child’s camera was missing – attacked her, jumped on her back and pushed her up against a brick wall. The other woman claimed the first woman started it by coming over to her house and grabbing her face. The first woman was treated at a hospital; the second had no injuries.
Quick nap: A man called police when he woke to find a man sleeping on his couch at 3:40 a.m. The offender was not believed to be breaking and entering, but just so drunk that he entered the wrong residence. Because who doesn’t do that every once in a while, right?
This article appears in Dec 2-8, 2008.
