Buzz Kill Following a less-than amicable breakup, a 26-year old University City man decided it was high time to notify police of his ex-girlfriend’s questionable behavior in the month leading up to their split. The man informed police that over the course of that month, he and his then-girlfriend had gotten into multiple altercations in a bar parking lot. During these fights, the man alleges that his then-girlfriend routinely assaulted him with a taser. The man provided police with a list of approximate dates and times that he had been tazed.
Urine Trouble A 49-year old Greensboro man was hauling some curious cargo through University City when he decided to stop for a late-night bathroom break at a 7 Eleven, leaving his unlocked Benz parked outside with the keys in the ignition. When he returned moments later, he discovered that an opportunistic thief had driven off in the car. The thief didn’t get too far; after discovering a massive stash of urine samples riding shotgun ($4,000 worth reportedly, although it’s unclear how that’s valued), he abandoned the Benz nearby.
Driving a Stick When a woman stopped at a traffic light on East Morehead, she got a glimpse of a little more head than she wanted to. According to a statement she gave police, she was stopped at the intersection when another car pulled up beside her. The driver was apparently masturbating behind the wheel, and proceeded to expose himself to her.
Lavatory Law Despite now having the most heavily-policed public restrooms in America, the bathroom crime syndicate continues their reign of terror on public toilets. Airport security at Charlotte Douglas International reports that some HB2-compliant suspects took their wrong-doing to a non-gendered family restroom to snort a few pre-flight lines of cocaine. They susppect left behind a straw with powder residue on it, a tube of topical painkiller and a credit card with more powder (and her name) on it.
That Was Awkward A Charlotte-area middle schooler was apprehended in a juvenile arrest following his first-period antics. According to police reports, the student turned up for his morning class, then “willfully misused and molested the fire extinguisher,” causing it to splatter its contents all over the classroom. We have a feeling that wasn’t the first time things finished a little too quickly for the spunky spewer.
Not-So-Nice Neighbors Don’t let the name fool ya — when police were called to a street fight on Friendly Place, they found the scene was anything but. A disagreement had broken out between residents and quickly turned physical. Officers were able to break up the fight, but in the process, they discovered a firearm concealed in a vehicle on the scene. Two suspects were arrested following the altercation, and face criminal charges for the not-so-friendly affray.
Juice Cleanse There’s nothing worse than health freaks who make it their mission in life to shove their healthy diet in your face. We can’t confirm that that is what happened at a Blakeney McDonalds, but the police narrative seems to fit the bill: a suspect stormed into the fast food restaurant and pelted a teenager working behind the counter with a bottle of orange juice, then fled the scene. We get it, vitamin C is important.
Unwanted Guest A Northlake man was sitting at home one afternoon when he observed a school-aged boy approach his front door and attempt to gain entry to his house. The man immediately called police and reported the attempted break-in, but after a brief investigation, the responding officers informed the homeowner that “coming home from school” isn’t actually a crime. The boy was the homeowner’s son and a legal resident of the home.
Snapchat Clap Back Trash-talkers, take note: a pair of loud-mouthing suspects just upped the ante on communicating threats. Apparently malicious text messages and phone calls were too blasé for the suspects, who added a personal flourish to the threatening messages they sent to a local woman by recording their threats in a video. In the clip, one suspect brandished a gun and stated, “I’m going to whack your ass.” The second suspect reiterated: “I am going to beat your ass and fuck your car up.” Personally, we prefer emoticons… way less incriminating.
Let’s Be Friends A Charlotte teen called police last week after realizing that maybe being a gang member wasn’t for him. The 18-year-old called police out to his apartment and told them he had just received an alarming call from a rival gang member. The vicitm told officers he’s “a member of the Bloods organization” and that a “member of the Crips organization” had just called him and told him that he planned to kill him the next time they should cross paths. It was our understanding that this is how it’s supposed to work.
Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.
This article appears in Apr 20-26, 2016.
