Sweet Nothings: A 21-year-old woman called police after being threatened continuously by a known suspect. The woman told officers that the suspect called her 172 times in a span of 42 minutes. I swear these callers get faster every week. The suspect stated, “I know your address, and I will burn your house down and make sure your kids are inside.” I think when she asked you to put her kids down while she was working, she meant to tuck them in.
Bad Publicity: A 40-year-old man called police when he realized his house had been burglarized while he was at work. The suspects took a PlayStation 2, a Wii, wine, a flat screen TV and a DVD player after smashing the ADT security box, rendering it useless. I suppose the lesson here is, get a tougher security box.
Wearing The Pants: A 19-year-old girl was arrested for domestic assault for assaulting her boyfriend of the same age. The boy called police and when they arrived, told them that during an argument, his girlfriend became irate and started poking him with her fingers. I’m telling you they need to take these Tickle Me Elmos off the street; they’re just teaching these innocent girls how to beat their partners. This probably won’t go over so well with the victim’s guy friends.
Beach Bound: Employees at a local Wal-Mart called police after catching a woman shoplifting from their store. The woman walked into the store and put on a pair of sunglasses and a pair of sandals. She then tried to walk out before being confronted by security. She should’ve went the whole nine yards and just put on a bikini from the bathing-suit aisle. That would have been a little more inconspicuous.
Still Pushin’: A 75-year-old woman filed a police report after her car was broken into by some horny thieves. The woman told police that her dashboard was damaged but the only thing that was stolen was a box of condoms. Let me repeat that: They stole condoms from a 75-year-old woman. I guess she just didn’t want to risk an STD – or that unplanned pregnancy.
Grown Man: A 23-year-old woman called police after being assaulted and threatened by her boyfriend. She told officers that he shoved her and struck her on the left arm with a child’s toy. He then told her that he was going to kill her, and the victim believes he will carry out the threat due to the fact that he was brandishing a large sword when he said it. Are you sure the large sword wasn’t blue and red with the words “Little Tikes – My First Weapon” on it?
They’re Grrrrr …: Police were called to the Kellogg’s factory after two employees got into a tussle. The victim of the assault claimed that the suspect, his co-worker, punched him once in the mouth and once in the chin. Next time you’re eating a box of Apple Jacks and find a tooth inside, that’s not a prize.
Real Wacko: Police were called to a local gym after a man just couldn’t practice any restraint. A witness told officers that he caught the suspect masturbating in the showers twice in the span of 20 minutes. I don’t think it was technically twice. He probably didn’t finish the job when you gave him blue balls the first time. Call it what you want, but now I will officially never shower in these public places.
Left Behind: A 21-year-old woman called police after realizing her car had been stolen. She told officers she was partying at a local club and at some point during the night, someone stole her keys. She thought nothing of it, probably following Lady Gaga’s advice to just dance, and everything would be OK. She later went to the parking lot at closing time to find that her car was gone. If you set up a designated driver, make sure they bring you along with them.
Sharp Minds: Employees at a local Goodwill store called police after a man stole from the shop. Workers told the officers that the man walked into the store and picked up two large swords and walked out calmly. I can see why this is one of the rare people who get away after being seen shoplifting. If I was employed at Goodwill, I just don’t see what my motivation would be to run down a man with two huge swords in his hands.
Threat of the Week: A 36-year-old man called police after being threatened by an unknown suspect. The victim received a call but couldn’t understand what was said, so he hung up. Another call came later, during which the suspect stated, “Can you understand what I’m saying? There is a contract on you. I’m supposed to kill you, but I don’t want to. I will be calling back with further instructions. I have a picture of you, and I know where you live, and I know where your family is.” This is what happens when James Bond has too many martinis.
Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.
This article appears in Jul 7-14, 2009.
