Peek a Boom: Police responded to a “peeping Tom” call last week after a 57-year-old woman caught a man pleasuring himself in her backyard. She told officers she was cleaning her house when she noticed a man looking into her bedroom window with his penis exposed in his hands. The woman then walked out back to ask what he was doing, and he struck at her face, slightly hitting her right eye. I believe next time you should either close the blinds or let him finish; going out to shake hands isn’t the best idea.
Expectations: A 47-year-old woman called police after someone threatened her via e-mail. She stated in the report that a man sent her a message saying, “Watch your back. I’m tired of hearing that I am lying about Susan. Pay back is a motherfucker, and when you least expect it, expect it.” Well, that’s enough to confuse anybody.
Pack It Up: The owner of a packing company called police after his storage trailer was vandalized overnight. He told officers that when he arrived to work in the morning, everything seemed fine — until he walked behind a trailer, where someone had spray-painted “Obsolete” across the entire exterior wall. I happened upon an issue of Creative Loafing last week where someone had written “Not Humorous” across this whole column. I’m used to it.
School Stinks: A 38-year-old woman called police after her child became unruly one morning. She told officers that she was trying to get her daughter up for school when the girl threw a deodorant container at her, striking her in the torso. I used to go after my parents with an ax when they woke me up for school … a can of Axe is not a big deal.
A Scanner Darkly: A 52-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone. She told officers that a man called her three times to harass her and made statements such as, “You fuckin’ bitch. Thanks for scanning my calls. You wait until the next time I see you, I will let you have it.” Don’t say “thanks” if you’re not going to sound like you mean it.
Burning Proof: A 30-year-old woman called police after she was assaulted by her (hopefully former) boyfriend. She told officers that the man picked her up by the arms and slammed her on the bed because she was tearing up naked pictures of herself that she had given him in the past.
On Display: A 39-year-old man called police after someone broke into his storage shed and stole several items. The man told officers that someone took a BMX bike, an electronic fence device, a golf bag, some pieces of wood, some tools and a wheelbarrow. The victim told police that he had suspicions about who did it, and when officers arrived at the suspect’s house, all of the stolen property was sitting in the yard.
Good Man: A 28-year-old woman called police after being threatened by her baby’s daddy. She told officers that the man called her repeatedly and said: “If you have another man around my kids, I’ll kill you. I will kill you and shoot up your place.” I don’t see why she would want her kids to have some other fatherly figure; it seems like they have a good one already.
Nuts On Top: Employees at a local Food Lion called police after catching a man shoplifting. One worker told officers that they witnessed the man concealing property and confronted him before he could leave the store. The man was found to be hiding two containers of Smucker’s Walnut ice cream toppings, two containers of oysters, skin lotion and nail polish. All used separately, I hope.
Threat of the Week: A 21-year-old woman called police after being threatened by someone who’s had it with technology. She said a woman sent her a text message stating, “You were disrespectful to me over the Internet. I want you to be disrespectful in front of me. Where you at so I can fuck you up?”
Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.
This article appears in Mar 8-14, 2011.
