Since I’ve been at Creative Loafing, we’ve punctuated the long and grueling process that leads up to our annual “Best Of” issue by holding a party. Some of these have been amazing — throwdowns that stopped just short of full-blown debauchery. Others have been as exciting as, say, an online bulletin board dedicated to tight-ass mandolin enthusiasts — who, coincidentally, sent me about 100 e-mails last week complaining that I didn’t name all the members in David Grisman’s band in a recent S&H, commented too much on their attire, and misrepresented the man’s music as bluegrass, as he calls it “new acoustic.” (Note: Get a life, and don’t write to our paper from Maine if you’ve never read the damn thing.)I digress. Held in a place called the “Extravaganza Depot,” everyone had high expectations for the 2003 bash. And why not? Food was to be catered by the most excellent Penguin Drive-In, and there was the promise of free alcohol (you work for a month on a single issue, you want some free sauce). This year’s theme was something called an “Extreme County Fair.”
What exactly is an Extreme County Fair, you ask? Aren’t all county fairs, by definition, a bit extreme? Well, yes. Chasing greased pigs certainly isn’t something one does in civilized society. However, like our man Nigel Tufnel in Spinal Tap, the Loaf decided to turn the volume up to 11 on this one. Enter: a mechanical bull. See: a “Velcro Wall,” in which folks donned a Velcro suit, jumped on a big inflatable doo-dad, and played Spider-Man.
Oh, but we’re not done yet. Behind the building was a train yard, where a couple of converted passenger cars held fortune tellers and tarot card readers (an unofficial survey by the author found that most folks were a little skeptical after visiting the let’s-get-metaphysical “experts,” concluding that perhaps a temp agency is not a good place to go to look for Edgar Cayce types, no matter the budget).
Shortly after arriving, I was to call into WBT’s John Hancock Show as part of the paper’s full-on pimping of all things “Best.” Thankfully, Hancock didn’t ask me about not winning Best Air Personality (an award he’s garnered in the past). That said, if I had my druthers, Mr. Signature would certainly win Best Hair Personality, as the dude totally rocks the older rock critic/David E. Kelley look. After 20 or so minutes of talking to Hancock via Cricket Comfortable Wireless, we said goodbye, and the station went into a traffic update and more Kobe Bryant coverage.Now officially into the swing of things (and the swig of things), I decided to go check out the Extreme Petting Zoo, which, truth be told, wasn’t all that extreme (a real extreme petting zoo, as one partygoer commented, wouldn’t be limited to just animals). In it were some chickens, a pony, and a donkey. Up to this point, I had always wondered what Prince’s lascivious song “Horny Pony” was about. After seeing the little pony (who was not so little in certain ways) forcibly attempt to sodomize the donkey, I think I have an idea, though I’m not sure I want to see the dance derived from it.
Deciding that mechanized animals might behave more suitably, I decided to check out the mechanical bull — strange things, these contraptions, especially when combined with abundant testosterone and alkeehawl. Poll 10 guys on the street. Ask them how many of them would like to get on a contraption that will, with 100 percent certainty, throw them to the ground and rudely rack their cue balls in the process. How many takers do you think you’d get? Zero. Fun to watch? Certainly. The whole thing was made more fun by the man running the contraption, who seemed to take delight in cranking up the juice whenever a muscle-bound and/or yuppie type took the reins. Allow a pretty young lady to try her hand, however, and the bull moved so gently and sensuously you’d think Marvin Gaye programmed it.
Well, there you pretty much have it — our annual Best-Of party. (Wait a second! The music! I forgot the music! Somewhere, somebody in Dubuque is tuning their “mando” and reading this, and wondering why I didn’t describe the bluegrass band! Let’s see…well, they were wearing these real interesting shirts, and …)
This article appears in Aug 13-19, 2003.