Shopping competes with NASCAR and college basketball as Charlotte’s favorite sport. Just witness the media feeding frenzy every time a major new mall opens — and Nordstrom’s opening next year has people doing backflips.
So what’s the Charlotte couch potato to do? Catalogs and Internet shopping are one way to avoid, as a friend of mine puts it, “getting malled.” And more people are doin’ it, according to the Direct Marketing Association. Info from the DMA indicates that “47 percent of Americans have made online purchases, an increase from 36 percent one year ago.” And “71 percent of Americans shop from home, buying from catalogs, over the Internet, over the phone or through the mail.” Get those dialing and typing fingers ready and see what we’ve found for you and yours this year.
Zeroing in immediately on the silly, BrylaneHome has an inflatable light-up goose. Yep, you read that correctly. Martha Goose comes with no less than four seasonal outfits including Santa (with reindeer antlers?), a bunny for spring, a bumblebee for summer — and silliest of them all, a turkey (complete with Pilgrim hat) for fall. Martha G stands 38 inches high and the kit includes ground stakes and wires to keep her stable, a foot pump, and a three-piece light set. She can be yours for only $49.99. (www.brylanehome.com or call 800-528-5150)
One of our favorite catalogs anytime of year is American Science & Surplus. Full of one-liners and the most imaginative descriptions of any catalog we’ve seen, this one will keep you occupied for hours! Here you can find real Silly Putty in an egg shaped container ($2) or a Scorpion Paperweight with a real scorpion encased in acrylic ($6.50). If you should need a stethoscope ($8.50), pocket binoculars ($2.50) or Sea Monkeys ($7.95), this is the place. Our favorite find this year is the Dissect-A-Frog kit. To wit: “Dissect-A-Frog is our convenient biology kit designed for home-schoolers.” The blurb goes on to list what you get in the kit plus: “The frog — real, but no longer alive — has been carefully preserved and sealed in an individual poly bag. The color will vary. The body, not including several inches of leg, will be four or more inches long. The chances of it turning into a prince are minimal.” All this for just $19.95. (www.sciplus.com or 847-647-0011)
Holy gift giving! Paging through the Marshall Field’s catalog, we thought we were in a time warp, Batman. But there, in all their colorful glory, are the Dynamic Duo of the 1960s, Batman and Robin, in a nice colorful shot. Signed by stars Adam West and Burt Ward, the photo is matted and framed already and comes with a certificate of authenticity. It’ll set you back $699.95 but what’s that to an old fart, er, ah, fan.
On the same page, but for the Wizard of Oz fan in your life, especially since there are only so many pairs of original ruby slippers, here’s a collectible alternative. You can buy a canceled check signed by actor Jack Haley who played the Tin Man in that classic film. It comes framed with a photo of the actor in his most famous role and is indeed a rare opportunity to obtain his autograph since he’s been dead for a while now. For true fans, the $499.95 price tag shouldn’t break your heart. (www.fields.com or 800-776-4444)
When the Despair, Inc. catalog came in the mail, we thought it was a joke. With their motto “Motivational posters don’t work, but our Demotivational posters don’t work even better,” this catalog was made for the sarcastic soul hiding in one of those cubes in one of those downtown buildings. You can get note cards and desk-toppers as well with such slogans as “INEPTITUDE: If you can’t learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly” or “MEETINGS: None of us is as dumb as all of us.” Notecard packs are $9.95 and the posters are $15.95 each. Sticky note pads are only $9.95. As it says on the back of the catalog, “Operators are waiting to take your money.” (www.despair.com or 877-DESPAIR)
We didn’t find anything outrageous in the Hammacher Schlemmer (www.hammacher.com) catalog — at least, nothing like the personal submarine a few years back — but HS has lots of other good stuff. But we had to wonder about this: you can get a pro quality portable massage table ($349.95), but what good is it without the masseuse?
But when the Design Toscano catalog arrived, we found on page three the perfect gift for your friend who has everything. Fit for a king — especially, we suppose, a boy king — is King Tutankhamen’s Egyptian Throne Chair. Now, don’t get upset about Toscano looting Egyptian antiquities or something. This is a full-scale replica that is lauded as a “substantial, reinforced designer resin work of decorative furniture art” and is “exquisitely gold leafed and hand painted in the rich palette of Egypt.” And it weighs 84 pounds. You can get one chair for $895 or two for $1750. (www.DesignToscano.com or 800-525-0733)
Betty Boop has taken over The Lighter Side catalog this year — with eight items featured on the cover (from pens to a tea set) and six pages of stuff inside. I mean, I like Betty, too, but that’s a little much. Something else we found, though, is some sort of political statement, but we’re just not sure what. For $32.98 each, you can have your very own Talking President Dolls of either Bill Clinton or George W. Bush. According to the blurb, they “each speak original sound bites in their own voices. . .” We were glad to note that Clinton is 12 inches tall while Dubya is 11 and a half inches tall. (www.lighterside.com or 800-232-0963)
Moving on up to Clever Gear (interesting name but we suppose Sharper Image was already taken), we found this truly odd eating utensil. You’ve seen, we know, those spork things that are spoon-shaped but with forklike prongs? Well, here we have the Pizza Fork. Basically, it’s a fork, although the handle is longer than a normal fork with a rolling pizza cutter imbedded in the handle, near the base of the main part of the fork. There’s a blade guard so you don’t cut yourself, just the pizza, but to us it just looked, well, awkward – seems like you could cut your lip if you bite into the bit of pizza you’ve just cut. If you must have it, though, the Pizza Fork is sold in sets of two for $14.98. (www.clevergear.com or 800-829-2685)
In past years, we’ve been so crass as to write about a walking stick made of a bull’s penis and various devices that imitate farts, but when we spotted the Kegelcisor in the Lifestyle Fascination catalog, we didn’t want to go there. But being fascinated and horrified at the same time, we read through the blurb several times, just to make sure we understood it. Gals, this is a little device made to help you exercise your pubococcygeus or PC muscle. “Only the patented Kegelcisor can help control incontinence while enhancing intimate pleasure.” That sounds good, but we kept looking from the picture of the device to the description because it’s made of stainless steel! Sounds more like a torture device than something that could really, umm, help “enhance intimate pleasure.” Not to mention that it’s $79.95 on sale. Bet you can find something a lot more interesting, not to mention pliable, in the Adam & Eve catalog for less (www4lf.com or 800-669-0987).
Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without a visit from Elvis, would it? (You really thought we were going to say Santa?) Our must-have pick for Elvis fans this year? We chose an old favorite, the Elvis Life Size Stand-up. It’s the younger King, in his Jailhouse Rock outfit and pose, for only $34.95. Another pick for the fan who has everything is the Elvis Style Seasonings. Yes, for food. You get three: Cajun, All Purpose and BBQ, plus recipe cards for $16.95. Oh and if someone on this planet didn’t get those Elvis stamps from a few years ago, apparently EP Enterprises has cornered the market. Get a sheet of 40 of the 29-cent stamps for $24.95. (www.elvis.com or 888-ELVIS-ROCKS)
For the nostalgic boomer on your list — and what boomers aren’t nostalgic about something or other like their original hair color or whatever — satisfy those everpresent 60s cravings with the entire 32-episode first season of The Monkees, available in a swanky deluxe 6-DVD boxset from Rhino. All the shows were good, goofy fun, and the boxset includes lots of extras like the pilot episode, the Monkees doing Kelloggs commercials, commentary by Michael Nesmith, Davy Jones, Peter Tork, creator Robert Rafelson, and director James Frawley. And the box itself looks like a 60s era record player. The DVD boxset is $89.95 and is available at www.rhino.com/store.
Turning finally to our old pal Archie McPhee, we found a couple of great, albeit bizarre items in this ultimate catalog of Kitsch. Number one has to be the Smoking Baby. A true oddity, here’s the description: “Of all the things that shouldn’t smoke, babies are at the top of the list. The tag line for this product emphatically states our position on this issue: Real Babies Should Never Smoke! Ceramic babies smoking, on the other hand, are strangely appealing. Celebrate this absurd juxtaposition with one of these two and three quarter inch tall ceramic babies. Each infant comes with a pack of 10 Li’l Smokes and has another one in its mouth, ready to light up and puff.” Apparently the “Smokes” are actually unscented incense. For only $4.95 each, how can you resist? If the baby’s too creepy for you, there’s also a Smoking Monkey for the same price.
Archie also has an unusually fine selection of action figures this year. In addition to Jesus, Freud and Einstein, this year you can also get Moses, Ben Franklin, Pope Innocent III (?!) and, our favorite (being English majors and all), William Shakespeare. Another interesting point is that all the action figures are $8.95 except Jesus, who is only $6.95. Archie McPhee is also your source for rubber chickens ($9.95), a leopard skin commode seat cover ($6.95) and pink poodle swizzle sticks (12 for $6.95). (www.mcphee.com or 425-349-3009).
Get in there and get going, folks. The holiday is just a few weeks away. Happy Christmas! And may all your cards remain magnetized.
This article appears in Dec 3-9, 2003.
