Black people and love. Two topics that are at the forefront of my mind during the month of February. Why? Because of Valentine’s Day and because it is Black History Month. We reflect on so much African-American history during the month, but rarely acknowledge or discuss the history of black love, which in my mind makes perfect sense. In spite of the marketing machine that trots out Valentine’s Day products in December, the contemporary meaning behind it is a good one — remembering the one you love. Because love has become such a complicated endeavor in the black community, any opportunity to express love should always be taken.
Black love is important because it is love that sustained us during a pretty horrific history in the United States and abroad. It is love that kept us together, even when denied the right to marry. And it is love that has allowed us to forgive and move on in a society that did not treat us very well for a long time. Remembering black love is also important because our community is constantly inundated with statistics and news articles about the impossibility of black love.
Supposedly, all of our black men are promiscuous, philandering, non-committal, in prison or on the down low, when in fact those men comprise the minority of black men in this country. They do in fact exist as is the case with all races in America, but for some reason, there seems to be particular attention paid to this segment of our population as opposed to the much larger population of black men. We all know and love these wonderful black men because they are our fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, husbands, boyfriends, and friends.
Purportedly, successful black men are not interested in black women and will give their left arms for a white, Asian or Latino woman, who they reportedly treat significantly better than black women. A running motif in the stand-up routines of comedians of various races, ethnicities and even genders includes sketches about black men’s proclivity and obsession with non-black women, which is presumptuous at best and embarrassing at worst.
Successful black women do not seem to fare any better. Supposedly “successful” single black women have a greater chance of being blown up in a terrorist attack than getting married due to the lack of “marriageable” black men. If we intend to marry, it will have to be with a non-black man. If we have not gotten married or had children by the time we are 35, then we never will. If we are lucky enough to get married, then we will be cheated on, left or basically mistreated to such an extent that if we divorce, we will never marry again.
When we are not being punished for being successful, then we are a bunch of baby-making, head-of-household-destroying, fat-mouthing, overweight, lazy women who do not want or need men in our lives. It seems that folks revel in reporting this information about black couples, always focusing on the negative instead of researching the positive.
Unfortunately many of us internalize this information and circulate it, poisoning present and future relationships because this soundtrack is constantly playing in our heads.
The negativity with which black relationships are discussed was highlighted by the fact that TVOne showed a Divorce Court marathon on Valentine’s Day. Funny. In fairness, they did a special on Essence magazine’s love issue featuring black men professing their love for black women and vying for an opportunity to propose to their lovers. Thank goodness for this or February would have been a wrap for great images of black people in love (with the possible exception of Michelle and Barack Obama, who are not only good together but look great together). Unfortunately, these images are the exception, rather than the rule. Is there any wonder why there appears to be growing hostility between black men and women?
While many of us try to resist this attack on our humanity and ability to love, many of us embrace it and allow it to make our relationships toxic, justifying the mistreatment of each other with flawed data. Many of my girlfriends refuse to go out because “there aren’t any good men out there.” They are afraid that they are going to be alone and believe that black men are not interested in them. How will they know if they never give the brothers a chance, thereby giving themselves a chance? If it is true, who wants a self-loathing black man as a mate? Go forward and be with Becky if that is what moves you, because self-loathing is not a criterion for a boyfriend, husband or father. It is one thing to like and date all women, but to hate black women is never acceptable for any man, especially a black man.
Give the secure man a chance — the kind, thoughtful, dependable, committed black man. Apply the same standards that you use in other facets of your life to your choice of man. If black women raise our standards for ourselves and others, then there will be less disappointment and heartache during this quest for love.
On the other hand, my boys (slang for men) apparently have received a script and think it’s cool to go around saying that there aren’t any good black women out there. Statistically speaking, that is impossible. Don’t forget the woman who probably raised you on her own, your sisters, aunts and good black women that you screwed over. Further, don’t blame black women for your love of treacherous harlots. There is a difference and perhaps if you figured it out, then you would have different results. Knowing what you want is half of the battle and being ready to give it is the other.
Some men think that because of the ratio of black women to black men that this gives them license to date multiple women at a time, in perpetuity. Then they feign surprise when none of these women will take them seriously when they decide that they are ready for a relationship. It is funny to witness a guy who thinks he’s a player get played because he played himself from the jump. This is why many of our men are busy settling for who is there, as opposed to who would have been a great fit. Even these dudes are the minority because most people just want to love and be loved, including men, although many will not admit it.
During this month, let’s wipe the slate clean and make black history by not giving those statistics the weight that we have in the past. If you are a special person, it will take a special amount of time to find your special partner. Be patient. Make black love a priority. With black love in our lives, there is no limit. Let’s open up our spirits, free our minds and invite love into our hearts.
For more commentary from Nsenga Burton, visit www.theclogblog.com.
This article appears in Feb 27 – Mar 4, 2008.
