Adultery. Infidelity. Cheating. Call it what you like, but it is apparently rampant in American society.
Yes, the institution that we hold so dear is a sham. But, perhaps it is not the institution of marriage that is false; maybe the imposters who enter into this union knowing full well that they do not intend to respect the covenant, their spouse or the institution are the real phonies.
TV shows like Cheaters and any number of daytime talk shows “explore” the issue, sometimes allowing the cheating spouse to admit his or her infidelity on the air.
Last year, Oprah Winfrey hosted a series of shows on the topic, discussing its impact on families and the challenges of mending broken hearts and rebuilding trust. One of these shows featured humiliated former New Jersey first lady Dina Matos McGreevy, who stood by then-husband former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevy, who resigned after being implicated in a personnel scandal and admitting that he is gay. Like other political wives before her, Dina Matos McGreevy stood by her man. The McGreevys eventually divorced after Mrs. McGreevy was disposed of to make room for Mr. McGreevy’s new partner. It was not until then that she spoke out against what he did.
There has been much discussion lately about the lives of political wives and why they choose to stand by their men, as if this is some anomaly. Sen. Hilary Rodham Clinton stood by former President Bill Clinton when it was discovered that he had engaged in “sexual activities” with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Most recently, former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned after being implicated in a money-laundering scheme and ties to a prostitution ring. The man who had built his political career on being tough as nails on corporate crime and prostitution was found with his hands dirty and in the cookie jar, engaging in sexual relationships with high-priced call girls.
Former first lady Silda Spitzer stood next to her husband as he resigned from office and has recently been photographed around town with him. These women stand by their men, like many women in society stay with men who are known cheaters.
It is the height of hypocrisy for people to call for these political wives to do what many women do not: leave husbands who cheat. Why? Many women are raised to believe that men will cheat, and many men are raised to believe that it is their right to cheat. Who hasn’t heard the phrase “a man is going to be a man”? Unfortunately, it is often women who socialize other women into accepting this type of behavior from men. We all know the mother who coaches her daughter to stay with a man who is cheating, “for the sake of the family.” Earlier this week, resuscitated talk-show host Kathie Lee Gifford was on the Today show, telling people that Silda Spitzer is doing what she has to do to keep the family together, just like she did when her husband, sports legend Frank Gifford, was caught cheating on her. Like Gifford, Silda is “leaning on God” to help get her through this crisis. Huh?
Standing by someone who privately abuses your union and publicly humiliates your family is not a badge of honor. Not only am I sick of people pretending that grown men cannot think for themselves or beyond their members, I am also tired of people bringing God into this nonsense. It shortchanges men. It shortchanges God, who quite frankly does not ordain chaos. With such a loose interpretation of Christianity, it is no wonder that many marriages do not include even the expectation of fidelity. Further, the idea that keeping a family together is more important than standing up for yourself or your children is maddening. What family actually exists when your husband leads it straight into chaos with illegal and immoral behavior? Is he thinking about family when he is laid up with prostitutes? Are you thinking about the best interest of your children when you decide to stay? Ironically, these political wives and husbands have daughters. I wonder what impact these decisions will have on those daughters who choose male partners?
I do not buy the argument that women should do whatever it takes to keep the family together. Too many women and an increasing number of men have died trying to do just that under horrific circumstances. I also do not believe that men cheat because they are not getting what they need at home, which was offered by shock jock Dr. Laura Schlessinger to explain former Gov. Spitzer’s actions. It is thinking like this that keeps men and women from truly committing to marriage.
Christie Brinkley, Halle Berry, Vanessa L. Williams and Linda Bollea (Hulk Hogan’s wife) kicked their spouses to the curb when their infidelity was made public. Bollea’s lucrative reality talk show, Hogan Knows Best, went belly-up after she filed for divorce. But she did not put money and status ahead of her emotions or her children.
I’m not saying that adultery should automatically equal divorce. Each person has to deal with it the way that is best; however, I do take offense to the notion that women should be OK with it because men cannot do any better. Until people stop hiding behind essentialist philosophies and realize that being challenged is actually a form of love, they will always seek fulfillment elsewhere and have somebody co-signing on the behavior.
This article appears in Apr 16-22, 2008.
