Introduction
Why There’s An Introduction:
1. It’s a tradition that when a paper puts out a special issue, the special content is preceded by an introduction to tell people what it’s about.
2. If there wasn’t one, some readers would call and say they can’t figure out what all these lists are for.
3. I want to avoid taking those calls.
Why There’s a List Issue:
1. People love lists.
2. Lists are the only writing a lot of people do these days.
3. It’s relatively easy if you have a good imagination.
4. We did this last year and it was unexpectedly popular so we figured, “Duh. Let’s do it again.”
5. For you, our beloved fans, in hopes that you will experience endlessly rewarding reading pleasure — make that reading ecstasy .
Why I’d Rather Not Be Writing An Introduction:
1. It’s hard to create something out of nothing.
2. Not too many people even read introductions anyway.
3. I have a lot of other stuff to do.
What I’d Rather Be Doing Than Writing An Introduction:
1. Sitting on a beach in New Zealand.
2. Walking through the teapot exhibit at the Mint Museum of Craft + Design.
3. Catching up on my reading.
4. Learning to be a professional pest exterminator.
5. Putting rubber bands around stacks of grocery store bonus coupons.
6. Fixing a screen door hinge.
7. Pretty much anything.
Ways to End The Introduction:
1. Happy reading!
2. Enjoy!
3. We hope you have as much fun reading this special issue as we’ve had putting it together, etc., etc., blah blah blah.
4. Tell your friends where you saw it.
5. See you next year!
6. Your fly is open.
— John Grooms
Top Charlotte Urban Myths:
1. John Boy once lost a finger while cooking but went ahead and deep fried it and served it anyway.
2. Suzanne Stevens once tried to dry her hair by sticking her head in a microwave and attempting to turn it on with the door open.
3. The ghosts of mill workers killed in a textile strike during the Depression haunt several houses in NoDa, throwing old bobbins and spitting tobacco juice on the shutters.
4. City Councilman James “Smuggie” Mitchell is leading a double life and is night manager of a Kinko’s in Johnson City, TN.
5. Sheri Lynch used to be country singer Conway Twitty before having a sex change operation.
6. One night, Hugh McColl was seen climbing up the side of the Bank of America building with a Barbie doll clutched in his hand.
7. Mayor Fratboy has a dog that has killed three mailmen in the past three years.
8. The folks who work at Price’s Chicken Coop are members of a cult who all live and work together there 24 hours a day. Those in the know call the business Price’s Chicken Cult.
9. Years ago, a technician at the Lance cracker plant slightly changed a recipe for one of the cracker fillings and soon afterward received a patent for Bondo.
10. A naked man who says he’s looking for AA batteries walks into one of the area’s Eckerd’s drugstores every Friday night.
— John Grooms
Second Annual Strom Thurmond To-Do List:
1. Sleep a little more.
2. Pinch Satan’s wife on the ass.
3. Remember to ask guy next to me if there’s a cigarette machine down here.
4. Propose a special “Can’t we all get along since we’re all burned black anyway?” day.
5. Spend some more time jawin’ with them Twin Towers terrorists.
— John Grooms
Top Charlotte-based Reality Programs:
1. Mission Impossible: Fox Edge co-host Mark Mathis tries to stop being annoying for five minutes.
2. Who Wants to Marry an Orange Construction Cone?
3. Survivor: 29 days on LaSalle Street
4. Taxicab Driver Confessions: “I charge drunks outrageous fares to drive them home.”
5. Tow Truck Driver Confessions: “I can charge whatever I want! I’m a tow truck driver damnit, HaaHaaa.”
6. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance (Bill James makes a comeback!)
7. Fear Factor: City Council is asked to show leadership and actually make a decision without checking with the big banks first. Watch as Mayor Pat shudders in horror and passes out.
8. Amazing Race: Six couples are given just 24 hours to navigate the diabolical Myers Park intersection of Queens Road, Queens Road and Providence Road. They will be armed with nothing but their wits, a compass and determination. Who will be the last couple standing?
9. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: The Fab 5 Arrive in Charlotte to makeover Observer editor Frank Barrows but decide it’s hopeless and head back to California.
–Sam Boykin
Top 5 Reality Shows I’d Like to See:
1.To Tell the Truth: In which politicians are lowered into a pit of flesh-eating bacteria until they tell the truth (a show with no losers).
2. Cliche Survivors: In which professional athletes are forced to give 110 percent with their backs to the wall one game at a time no tomorrow and conduct interviews without using a single cliche — extra points for complete sentences.
3. No Class at All: In which members of fraternities and sororities are forced to attend class, pay attention, take notes and get an A before a drop of liquor passes through their lips.
4. Queer Guys With No Style: In which a group of gay men are forced to wear Haggar slacks (with pleats), Payless shoes, VanHeusen shirts and off-the-rack suits, shop at WalMart, eat at Olive Garden and generally make do without anything cool whatsoever.
5. I Spend a Lot of Money Here: In which both blue-bloods and the nouveau riche spend a year working retail or food service jobs while members of the working class verbally abuse and mind-fuck them into breaking down — resulting in another month tacked on to the end of the sentence.
— John Schacht
Sexiest Vampires:
1. Frank Langella as Dracula (in the 1979 movie)
2. Spike (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel)
3. Lestat (from Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles)
4. Louis (as played by Brad Pitt in the movie version of Interview with a Vampire)
5. Barnabas Collins (as played by Jonathan Frid in the original TV series Dark Shadows)
6. Jean-Claude (from Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter novels)
— Ann Wicker
Who I Would Vote For Before I’d Vote For Bush:
1. Anyone the Democratic Party nominates
2. Gerald Ford
3. Dan Quayle
4. Britney Spears
5. Jimmy “J.J.” Walker
6. Any car mechanic randomly picked from the yellow pages
7. A corpse
8. Janet Jackson’s nipple jewelry
9. My dog
10. Your dog
11. A fire hydrant
12. A baloney sandwich
— John Grooms
Uptown Bar Scavenger Hunt:
1. Bottle of Bud Light
2. Khaki pants
3. Little Black Dress
4. Thong panties
5. Person going “Woooooo!”
6. Flyers advertising a “Pimp and Ho” party later that week
7. Hot dog vendor
8. Drunk guy telling his friends “I am soooooo wasted…”
9. Girl saying to her friends “I’m soooooo drunk, you guys…”
10. “Mind if I bum a cigarette?”
— Tim Davis
Best Guinness Pints Pulled:
1. Sir Edmund Halley’s
2. The Penguin
3. Ri Ra
4. The Steeple
5. My house
— John Schacht
Top Reasons Liberals Are Screwed In America:
1. While they were busy splintering into a thousand identity issue groups, getting in touch with themselves, facilitating their actualization, visualizing a sustainable future, staring at their own navels and worrying about buying politically meaningful clothing and household goods, conservatives were learning the precinct system, mastering grassroots politics, getting organized, and mobilizing their supporters to the polls.
2. No second reason. Number 1 pretty well sums it up.
— John Grooms
People We’d Like To See Kissing At the Next MTV Awards:
1. Ray Charles and Ani di Franco
2. Fred Durst and Bob Dole
3. Tammy Faye Messner and Anna Nicole Smith
4. Lil Kim and Ric Flair
5. Will and Grace
6. Michael Jackson and Mike Tyson
— John Grooms
Why You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough To Move Back To A Small Town:
1. Pokey drivers.
2. People corner you while you’re shopping and expect you to talk to them for a long time.
3. Old bag busybodies who think they’re arbiters of everyone else’s lives.
4. No leash laws.
5. Lousy or nonexistent bookstores.
6. The people in charge are folks whose goal in life was to be in charge of a small town.
— John Grooms
Top 5 Nicknames Robert Johnson Is Considering for the New Arena:
5. The Crossroads
4. The Mound Uptown
3. The Norman Vincent Peale Memorial Arena
2. The B.E.T. Center
1. The Big Johnson
— Tim Davis
5 Reasons HMV Drivers Are Going to Hell:
5. Parking in two spaces
4. Supporting terrorism by giving money to Saudi oil whores
3. Destroying the environment
2. Posing a driving hazard to even Cadillac Escalades
1. For cheapening the term “hummer.”
— John Schacht
10 Most Traffic-Congested Intersections in Charlotte:
1. Fairview Road and Providence Rd.
2. Central Ave. and Eastway Dr.
3. Harris Blvd. and Tryon St.
4. Conference Dr. and Monroe Rd.
5. Albemarle Rd. and Independence Blvd.
6. Fairview Rd. and Park Rd.
7. Billy Graham Pkwy. and Tryon St.
8. Central Ave. and Sharon Amity Rd.
9. Harris Blvd. and Mallard Creek Rd.
10. Eastway Dr. and Frontenac Ave.
— Tara Servatius
New “Looks” Lynn Wheeler Should Try Before Making A Political Comeback:
1. Senior Barbie
2. Princess Di
3. Missy Elliott
4. Punk
5. Old Hippie
6. Suburban hausfrau
7. Koko Taylor
— John Grooms
Rev. Philip “Flip” Benham’s Daily To-do List:
(Benham is a fundamentalist anti-abortion zealot and director of Operation Save America, located in Concord).
6am: Rise and shine. Have lots of hate mongering and protesting to do.
7am: Breakfast: one boiled egg, prune juice and toast — no butter (obviously a tool of the devil.)
8am: Scour newspaper in search of something to be offended by — literary clubs, PG-13 movies, bra ads, etc.
10am: Update website www.burninhell.com
12noon: Lunch w/Jesus.
1pm: Flip through secret stash of Teen Beat magazines.
2pm: Attend micro-phallus support group.
4pm: Practice penmanship — write “God hates fags” and “Muslims suck” 100 times each.
5pm: Buy gross of throat lozenges — plan to do a lot of street-corner yelling this weekend.
6pm: Dinner. Scream at all the uppity newswomen on TV who should be at home having babies.
11pm: Pray for the strength to hate another day.
11:30pm: Dream of berating scared, young pregnant women.
–Sam Boykin
The List List:
“A” List
Angie’s List
Cast List
Checklist
Christmas List
Do Not Call List
Enemies List
Gift List
Grocery List
Guest List
Hit List
Inventory List
Laundry List
Most Wanted List
Order List
Play List
Prayer List
Price List
Santa’s List
Schindler’s List
Shit List
Shopping List
Short List
To-Do List
Wine List
–Linda Vespa
Stupidest Voice Mails of the Past Year:
1. Yeah, I just want to tell you what a stupid paper you have. I mean, boy, it’s really dumb. I remember when it used to be pretty decent but now you’ve got smoking babies on the cover and you promote the gay crap.
2. If you fuckers are so smart, then why don’t you support the President like any real American is supposed to do? I guess you like the idea of a bunch of ragheads blowing up everything and taking over America. I dare you to debate me in a public forum — I know you won’t do it, because you’re nothing but liberal pussies. I dare you to call me back. [Caller didn’t leave phone number]
3. Hi, Mr. Grooms, this is [name withheld] from [a Washington, DC, advocacy group]. I’m following up on a fax we sent you yesterday regarding an upcoming event [pause] . . . shit, where’s that paper? Fuck. Excuse me. [Hangs up].
4. Hey, you know that article y’all ran about window cleaning? It was all right, but you shoulda put the best thing for cleaning windows in there. My wife and I? When we clean our windows? We just put some vinegar in warm water and use that and you never seen such clean windows in your life. And it don’t streak, neither. Let everybody know about that the next time you run that type of article. [We have never published anything about window cleaning.]
— John Grooms
Best Things About SUVs:
1. Some are long enough that if you look in the rearview mirror, the curvature of the earth is visible before you reach the back seat.
2. Make bankers feel like Crocodile Hunter.
3. Increase small women’s confidence level.
4. You’re really high up but it’s not as expensive as glider lessons.
5. The truck frame it’s built on and the mediocre suspension give you a good workout.
6. Easy target for eco-terrorists.
— John Grooms
Worst Things About SUVs:
1. You can’t see around them when you’re trying to back out of a parking space.
2. You can’t see around them when you’re wondering why traffic has slowed to a crawl.
3. You can’t see around the damn things, period.
4. Need mountain climbing equipment to get in.
5. Planet will run out of oil by the time your warranty’s up.
6. Deserving target of eco-terrorists.
— John Grooms
Famous Drug Users We Like:
1. Louis Armstrong
2. Jean Cocteau
3. Charles Baudelaire
4. Edie Sedgwick
5. Paul McCartney
6. Jack Kerouac
7. Billie Holiday
— John Grooms
Famous Drug Users We Don’t Like:
1. George W. Bush
2. Rush Limbaugh
3. Dan Quayle
4. Michael Keaton
— John Grooms
10 Reasons To Be a Vegetarian:
1. Pork Rinds
2. Read Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser
3. Liver (Webster definition: “The bile-secreting organ of an animal…”)
4. Whole hog barbecue
5. Peanut Butter
6. Hog waste lagoons
7. Ted Nugent
8. Atkins Diet
9. 2,500 gallons of water required to produce 1 lb. of beef, 25 gallons required to produce 1 lb. of wheat.
10. Grow grain, feed critters, maintain critters, transport critters, butcher critters, eat critters (Gesundheit, OK, bend over, lift one leg, hop in place, whistle Dixie, wrap arm around neck, wipe nose)
— Samir Shukla
Top 3 Celebrities Who Should Take a Hint From Ah-nuld and Run For Mayor:
1. Ric Flair
2. Muggsy Bogues (our Gary Coleman)
3. Robert Johnson (already runs the incumbent mayor)
— Tim Davis
Top Neighbor Annoyances:
1. Neighbors who can’t or won’t get their friggin dogs to stop barking.
2. The guy who walks around with a leaf blower going full-tilt most of the weekend.
3. The neighborhood frat boys who put huge piles of trash on the curb several days before the scheduled pick-up.
4. Mr. Get A Life, who spends time letting you know how you should bag your lawn clippings — and thinks it’s important.
5. People who move out and then screw the neighbors by turning their house into a rental property.
6. Woman who places 20 birdfeeders (aka feline bait shops) in her yard and then sets traps for your cats when they show up for the birdie buffet.
7. Couple who park their car in their front yard.
8. Neighbors with enough Christmas decorations on and around their house to be seen from space.
— John Grooms
Why South Carolinians Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Drive In Charlotte:
1. Fact: If traffic anywhere in Charlotte is snarled because of a knot-head move by a motorist, at least three-fourths of the time that motorist is driving a car with South Carolina plates.
2. State specialty: Slowing to a crawl on a four-lane road in order to search for street numbers.
3. They hog the left lane even if everyone else is passing them on the right.
4. Oblivious to what their hayseed driving style does to urban traffic flow.
5. For some reason, they lose the ability to turn right on red when they cross the NC state line.
6. They’re so used to following tractors it never occurs to them to pass slow cars in front of them.
7. You never know when you’ll run into a car driven by one of Strom Thurmond’s illegitimate kids and get into serious trouble.
8. T-o-o D-a-m-n-e-d S-l-o-w.
— John Grooms
Most Eye-Catching Spam E-Mail Porno Subject Lines:
1. Holy Cow, These Girls Are Hot! Er, Wait, That Ain’t A Girl…
2. Big Brown Bizooty
3. Old Enough To Pee, Old Enough For Me
4. Screw Your Wife Like a Spice Channel Boy
5. Sex Is Best With A Fatty-Assed Slut
6. Images So Beautiful Your Nuts Will Pop
7. A Bigger Jimmy Is The Ticket To Hot Women
8. Gangbanged By Big Black Sausages
9. Value Porn: The Best Bang For Your Buck
— Lynn Farris
10 Actual George W. Bush Quotes:
1. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between mother and child.
2. One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is “to be prepared.”
3. The future will be better tomorrow.
4. We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.
5. We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe, we are a part of Europe.
6. If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
7. I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what’s moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves.
8. First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re willing to kill.
9. I’m also not very analytical. You know I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.
10. This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.
(Source: Slate.com)
— Matt Brunson
Favorite Charlotte Pastimes:
1. Eating out
2. Shopping
3. Going to church
4. Dining out
5. Browsing at the mall
6. Attending Service
7. Standing in a line 100-people deep to dine at chain restaurants.
8. Maxing out credit card at shopping mall.
9. Putting on Sunday best to worship in big churches
10. Did we mention frequenting restaurants, shopping malls and churches?
— Sam Boykin
Sights Seen Recently While Driving In Charlotte:
1. Homeless guy standing on the sidewalk, holding a sign that says “Let’s be honest. It’s for beer.”
2. A man sitting outside a store on Central Ave. dressed in a Santa Claus suit with a rifle in his lap.
3. Some dude pedaling around Myers Park in a rickshaw that has names of several local businesses patched all over it.
4. Dog jumping over a chainlink fence to chase a rabbit.
5. Someone actually using a turn signal.
6. A bicycle on fire.
— Lindsey Grossman, John Grooms
4 Things That Make My Head Hurt:
1. A recent poll revealing that 39 percent of Americans plan to vote for George W. Bush “no matter what.”
2. The mere existence of that Paris Hilton show The Simple Life.
3. The realization that The Cat In the Hat grossed more than Lost In Translation, Peter Pan, A Mighty Wind and The Station Agent combined.
4. The fact that my beloved St. Louis Rams didn’t make it to the Super Bowl this year, foiled by — oh, the irony! — the local team.
— Matt Brunson
Why I’m Glad To Be a Transplanted Northerner:
1. When everyone complains about the traffic, I can remember what real traffic jams are like. Route 3 to the Lincoln Tunnel, anyone?
2. Short sleeves in December.
3. Being able to buy a decent house for less than a quarter of a million dollars.
4. The plethora of farmers’ markets selling red ripe tomatoes you can eat like an apple.
5. The easy drives to Charleston and Savannah.
6. How friends become like family because most of our real families don’t live around here.
7. You can get iced tea all year round with unlimited refills.
8. The supermarket checkout people always ask if you want to drive around for your groceries rather than carrying them yourself.
8. You can go almost anywhere and not feel underdressed.
10. When the opening credits of The Sopranos show the grungiest stretch of the NJ Turnpike, I can say I used to live there.
— Linda Vespa
Why I Miss the North:
1. Hard rolls with truly hard crusts.
2. I didn’t feel like a pariah for not going to church.
3. Having New York City right across the river.
4. No high school football scores on the nightly news.
5. Snowstorms as an excuse to hunker down and eat and drink too much.
6. I never saw anyone squirt tobacco juice into a McDonald’s cup.
7. I could make fun of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker types without insulting people I know.
8. Good mass transit.
9. I wasn’t represented by Jesse Helms. Oh, wait . . . never mind.
10. No matter how long I’ve been away, it’s still home.
— Linda Vespa
Things I Don’t Understand:
1. The “Darwin in the Jesus Fish” car magnet.
2. Why don’t we ever hear “Jingle Bells,” “Sleigh Ride,” “Winter Wonderland,” and “Let It Snow” after December 25? They’re winter songs — they have nothing to do with Christmas.
3. People who refuse to use their seat belts. Is it an infringement on their personal freedom? Getting thrown from a car would result in a few more restrictions, don’t you think?
4. Vanity license plates that totally suppress the car owner’s individuality — like JEN’S MOM or 3GR8KIDS.
5. Grudges. Life’s too short.
6. Litterbugs.
7. Why I seem to be the only person who remembers The Pruitts of Southampton and Johnny Jellybean.
8. The need to drive a Hummer in Charlotte, NC.
9. Mandarin Chinese.
— Linda Vespa
10 Words That Are Good To Know In Close Scrabble Games:
1. Aba (Middle Eastern garment)
2. Caul (fatty substance found in many mammals)
3. Guan (type of bird)
4. Jinn (supernatural creature)
5. Lek (gathering place for animals)
6. Quean (prostitute)
7. Taw (to shoot a marble)
8. Wye (Y-shaped object)
9. Xu (former South Vietnamese currency)
10. Zoea (form of plankton)
— Matt Brunson
Weirdest Bull Names (From Professional Bull Riding Association):
Werewolf Snuff
Freckles
Satan’s Own
Johnny Rotten
Goat
Smokin’ Smurf
Hillside Strangler
Blender Head
Kid Rock
Muddy Waters
Boobie Dance
Love Shack
Q Ball Dip
Mr Biscuit
White Out
Freak on a Leash
Stevie Weevie
Baby Huey
Dr Evil
Gorbachev
Hurts So Good
Mr. GQ
Pokie
Puddle of Mud
Suicide King
Who’s yer Daddy
Wally World
Black Sabbath
Whistle Britches
— John Grooms, with thanks to the LA Weekly for the idea.
Things That Should Make a Comeback:
1. Clear Pepsi
2. Public hangings
3. Hand-written letters
4. Carbohydrates
5. Bartering
— Lindsey Grossman
Heads Up:
Deadhead, spreadhead, linthead, phishhead, crackhead, knucklehead, blockhead, blackhead, airhead, tow head, redhead, hothead, pot head, meathead, knot head, shit head, dick head, butthead, fuck head, acid head, cheesehead, hammerhead, masthead, hardhead, arrowhead, spearhead, jughead, letterhead.
— Lindsey Grossman and Kyle Lee
This article appears in Feb 11-17, 2004.
