Ask the Advice Goddess

Slummer Love

I work in a little insurance agency and live a pretty routine life. Two months ago, I went to the bank to open a new account. When I reached the window, there she was — this breathtakingly beautiful teller. After two months of muttering, “Here’s my deposit slip,” I found the courage to ask “Bank Girl” to lunch. Much to my surprise, she said yes. Lunch went really well, so I took her to a pro baseball game (because she said she loves baseball), then to dinner. At dinner, she dropped hints that she’s interested in dating me. The problem is, I’m an average-looking guy. I sort of resemble Tom Hanks; she’s simply gorgeous. I think she’s “out of my league,” and everybody I know agrees. Does it make any sense to imagine that a girl this amazing might venture down from her league to play in mine?

–Painfully Average Joe

There’s dating down and there’s dating down. The way you see it, Bank Girl isn’t just stooping to date you; it’s more of a free-fall on her part. Apparently, she has yet to get the message that you’re but a few food chain links up from having cilia instead of legs. Once she comes to her senses, it shouldn’t take much for her to get rid of you. In fact, if you’re as lowly as you think, she can simply accessorize with a flea collar for a few days — that is, if Lysol or antibiotics don’t do the trick.

You might, however, entertain the possibility that she isn’t hanging with you just because her cuff got caught in the low end of the food chain. Moreover, as a bank teller, she probably has reasonable command of the English language … including the word “no,” and the follow-up statement, “I’d rather stay home and draw crop circles in dust than go out with you.”

OK, so Tom Hanks isn’t exactly Tom Cruise, but he’s no Quasimodo either. Even if you’ve got a bit of a Quasimodo thing going on, it might not be a deal-breaker for a woman who’s in for more than short-term fun. See, although men seem to be wired to want young, beautiful babes, women tend to seek men with potential for power and status over men with potential for getting cast for an Abercrombie ad. Perhaps that’s why you sometimes hear stories about a waitress getting hitched to a gazillionaire, but never about an international supermodel going for the big happily ever after with some plumber.

Bank Girl could be under the impression you’re some Big Man On (the insurance) Campus, selling policies to every little old lady on the continent. To cultivate that impression, walk and talk (or shake your cilia) “like you own the place” … as opposed to slithering around like you clean the toilets for just under minimum wage.

Do keep in mind that dating leagues work like baseball leagues. In baseball, even if you’re the hotshot of the peewee playoffs, it’s pointless to campaign for a multimillion-dollar contract in the majors, plus a private jet for your cat. If you’re right that Bank Girl is unwittingly slumming, she probably won’t be long for your dugout. Knowing this might tempt you to cut your losses. Still, there is that off chance that nobody’s opinion of you is quite as low as your own. It might be wiser to cut loose with her for as many innings as you can — until she calls the relationship on account of your being a near relative of plankton.

Conform School

My boyfriend, a graduate student (and soon-to-be-M.D.), is about to meet my conservative parents. To put it mildly, he dresses more creatively than they’re used to. (He wears earrings and wild clothes.) He also has the most wonderful integrity, character and personality. How can I get him to tone down his look so my parents can see beyond his outer shell?

–Homeward Bounds

It doesn’t seem too outrageous to ask your boyfriend to opt for a nice conservative pair of pearl studs instead of those big, feathered hoops he saves in case the hospital is plunged into pitch darkness during his rotation. What a great way to fool the folks into thinking you lined up a man like dear old dad — a boyfriend who wears knockoffs of the earrings daddy bought mummy for Christmas!

Of course, you could opt for a nobler goal than fooling your parents; say, prying open their tiny little minds prior to your visit. That way, the important stuff — your boyfriend’s character and who you really are — can seep in. Regarding telling your boyfriend what to wear: The guy was smart enough to get into medical school — he probably knows better than to meet your parents in a kilt, fishnets and body glitter.

This article appears in Jul 10-16, 2002.