Ahhh! Sweet baby Jesus! The Muslim terrorists have infiltrated Charlotte!
Kamran Akhtar, a Pakistani citizen (from Pakistan! In the Mideast! Sort of!) was arrested July 20 while videotaping several Charlotte buildings. While he is being held without bond in the Mecklenburg County jail, the streets of Charlotte remain likewise held captive by his shocking act of terrorism.
Well, OK, so maybe it wasn’t an overt act of terrorism. Homeland Security Homeboy Tom Ridge and the FBI have both indicated that Akhtar has no known links to terrorist groups, and he’s only been charged with providing false information, giving a false name to arresting officers and failing to leave the US after a residency request was denied in 1998. But it’s close enough, dammit! The world has changed since 9/11! As President Bush has demonstrated, it’s no longer prudent (nor policy) to wait for things like facts or tangible proof when it comes to fighting the Brave New War Against Terror. If there’s even a perceived threat, the right thing to do is strike first and ask questions later. And with Charlotte being the ultimate Can-Do City, by God, the time for us to overreact is NOW!
That’s why the fresh influx of armed rent-a-cops securing uptown buildings is only a paltry first step. Let’s get serious here! We have to make the possession of all video equipment a Gitmo offense, at least for foreigners, Yankees, and anyone not wearing an Earnhardt 3 or 8. Aside from the terrorist activity this equipment facilitates (see Akhtar’s blatant acts of sedition), it can be used to view homosexual pornography, messages from Osama bin Laden, or even Michael Moore documentaries (Fahrenheit 9/11 available soon for home video). There’s no reason good God-fearing Americans need these instruments of mass distraction.
It’s also high time we invaded Gastonia. Well-connected sources tell me that Akhtar may have visited Gastonia once, possibly to purchase the videotape he planned to use against us. I say we liberate Gastonia now before they send more terrorists our way! Our sources tell us Gastonians would greet us as liberators, thanking us by throwing pork rinds and cigarette butts at our feet. Let’s go for it! And God Bless the Brave New USA!
This article appears in Aug 18-24, 2004.
