Today as I was browsing news channels trying to find out whether we were at war yet or not, I was alarmed to discover that we’re still on a high terror alert. I only found out when I saw it on the scrolling news at the bottom of the screen — right after an important update on whether Michael Jackson is psycho.Apparently, the terror alert status has been high ever since the initial announcement weeks ago when we went through the Great Duct Tape and Plastic Sheeting Scare of “03. I never heard anybody say that the status had changed, but they never do tell you when it gets downgraded. So I had quit worrying about it; we even ate our three-day food supply over the weekend and used the duct tape to repair our microwave. Fortunately, we hadn’t used the plastic sheeting since unless you’re painting or sealing up your house to ward off biochemical warfare, there’s really not much to do with plastic sheeting.
I originally heard about the high alert from my mother, who called and told me, “Now don’t panic or anything. . .” This is the way she has prefaced every terrible thing that has ever happened in my life, from divorces to the deaths of family members and, on one memorable occasion, the unfortunate demise of my guinea pig.
So I was already rather panicky by the time she got to the point: “They’re saying that you need to keep a three-day supply of food and water in the house and duct tape and plastic sheeting to cover up your windows.”
I didn’t even think about who “they” were, or why I needed to cover up my windows. I just shifted into crisis mode and began calculating how many square feet of windows we had.
I actually came out OK as far as “emergency preparation” shopping, especially compared to my sister, who, unfortunately, was in a grocery store when she got the “Do not panic” call from Mom. Let’s just say that if I ever have an emergency need for Beanie Weenies, I know who to call.
Then, my husband, Mr. Logical, has to come home and starts asking ridiculous questions about why we need plastic sheeting and duct tape.
“In case there is biochemical warfare,” I inform him.
“So we’ll somehow hermetically seal our house with plastic sheeting and duct tape?” he asks in that sarcastic tone of voice that always indicates he’s using his head instead of his heart in that annoying way he has.
“Right,” I answer, refusing to take the bait.
“And then we’ll suffocate after we use up our air supply?” he finishes.
Damn. It’s just obnoxious when he’s right.
But even Spock there agreed to the sensible plan of keeping three days’ worth of food in the house. Only, now we’ve made the discovery that you can’t eat the three days’ worth of food if you plan to keep it around in case of emergency.
So it’s back to the store, only this time I must confess I don’t have the same panicky enthusiasm that drove me a few weeks ago. After all, the news about the war with Iraq has taken a turn for the boring over the last few days. Now, all I see is footage of UN delegates making impassioned speeches as best they can, considering that they’re UN delegates and aren’t used to anyone paying them any attention. And if the news outlets aren’t showing the UN, then they’re showing various celebrities giving their two cents worth about the potential conflict.
It’s true that Rosie O’Donnell, Sean Penn and Janeane Garofalo are famous, but that certainly doesn’t mean they know anything. They’re entitled to their opinions about war and politics, and the great thing about living here is that we have the right to not like the things our government does. But I’m sick of these know-it-all celebrities acting like they know so much.
And another thing I’m sick of: some pundits and reporters saying “I-rack” and others saying “I-rock.” Let’s come to a national consensus, people! We have to show a united front and all.
Anyway, the point is that the high terror alert lingers, even though national attention does not. Sadly, those of us raised on MTV have the attention spans of cocker spaniels, and if we’re not constantly reminded of national and international events via scrolling news, we’d be unable to recall Laci Peterson’s disappearance, Columbia’s explosion, or even Michael Jackson’s weirdness. If we’re to actually take note of these terror alerts, then they need to be scrolling, not only on news channels, but during Family Matters reruns and during American Idol. Or maybe Ryan Seacrest could just wear a baseball hat in the color of the terror alert status. At least then we’d notice.
This article appears in Mar 5-11, 2003.
