Tuesday, January 28, 2014

What's really going on in your relationships

Posted By on Tue, Jan 28, 2014 at 3:44 PM

Let me begin by saying that this is not a "men are dogs" diatribe, nor is it an attack on women. If anything, I hope to illuminate what is often hidden in the minds and lives of couples. If this isn't going on in your relationship, then it is most definitely going on in the relationship of someone you know.

I should also say from the outset that men don't want to sleep with me because I am particularly good looking or sexy or interesting. I'm average in every way. The only thing that may be especially appealing about me is that I study sex and am comfortable talking about sex with men. I am interested in how they think, feel and act sexually. Even when I am personally uncomfortable with what they reveal, I am usually able to maintain a non-judgmental attitude.

When it comes to relationships, men admit that they want to have the best of both worlds. They enjoy the perks of a woman who works, mothers and maintains a household. They say, "I'm not an idiot. I've got it good, and I don't want to mess that up. I have no intentions of leaving my wife." However, they are often sexually frustrated and looking to supplement their unsatisfactory sex life at home with a fun and strings-free sex life on the side.

I asked one of these guys last week, "So are you telling me that as a woman, I'm either the 'good woman' at home making you dinner or the 'bad girl' that you're hooking up with after work? Are these my only two options? Be cheated on or be cheated with?"

"Pretty much," he said. "You just have to decide which one you want to be."

He is, by most accounts, a good man. I know him to be caring, intelligent and responsible. He speaks highly of his wife and said that whatever he has got going on on the side, his family always comes first. He doesn't dodge his son's basketball game for a quick hook-up. He says he is always up front with his side chicks that he will never leave his family. He said his last girl got feelings and broke up with her boyfriend to be with him (yep, she was cheating too), but he told her that he needed to stop seeing her. Once a side chick catches feelings, it's time for him to cut her loose. He can't risk her messing up his marriage.

Another guy I know has been telling me for months that his wife hasn't had sex with him in almost a year and he's about to explode and would I please be willing to have sex with him. In the same minute he's tweeting about the awesome church service he's at, he's texting me that he can't stop fantasizing about me giving him a blow job. The same day he's posting adorable family pictures on Facebook, he asks if he can send me a picture of him naked.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. If I wanted to be with a married man, I could have my pick. I don't. I have no intention of getting in that kind of mess. But some women are all too eager to be with a married man. Some women even prefer it.

I know it's possible to be monogamous. I did it for 16 years. So, possible? Yes. Probable? Seems not. Odds are, in any long-term commitment, someone is going to cheat. And even if they don't do it, they probably want to. Which begs the question, is monogamy realistic? If not, what is?

More on that in the next post...

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Monday, January 27, 2014

The Death of Dating

Posted By on Mon, Jan 27, 2014 at 10:06 AM

When I became single, I foolishly assumed that people still went on dates. Apparently dating is a lost art, at least with the guys in Charlotte that I meet via online dating. It should be called what it is: online booty calling. In my foray into the single life, I have been asked out on only a handful of dates. The invitations to sex, however, have been plentiful.

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I am sure there are men genuinely interested in forming relationships with women. Unfortunately, I have not met many. The men I meet seem to only want sex and they will take the road of least resistance to get it. There are so many men who initiate conversations and who say they are looking for more than sex, yet expect sex from the get go.

There has been a story circulating online this week about male Reddit user OKCThrowaway22221, who posed as a woman and set up a fake online dating profile. Prior to his experiment, he was convinced that women had it easier in the online dating world. He admits now he was wrong. He lasted a mere two hours before taking down the profile in disgust:

Guys would become hostile when I told them I wasn't interested in NSA sex, or guys that had started normal and nice quickly turned the conversation into something explicitly sexual in nature. Seemingly nice dudes in quite esteemed careers asking to hook up in 24 hours and sending them naked pics of myself despite multiple times telling them that I didn't want to.

I lasted three weeks on my latest round of online dating before taking my profile down last week. I met a couple of nice guys, but I met a lot of jerks too.

Exhibit A
I met M for a beer at Hickory Tavern and we watched football. We discovered some similar interests and values. There weren't huge sparks but I liked him enough to see him again. We talked about getting together the following weekend. On Saturday evening I suggested we meet for brunch in the morning. He suggested I come over immediately. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that. He asked again. I declined again. I told him that driving to his house at 11 p.m. sounded like a booty call and I wasn't interested in that. He called me a few names and that was that.

Exhibit B
I am not shy online so I often initiate contact, but C reached out to me first. We messaged a bit and then talked on the phone during my lunch break. An hour later he texted "Why don't you come to my place tonight." I told him that I would prefer to meet him somewhere public. He got upset that I didn't trust him, said that he was a man not a boy, assumed that I hooked up with younger better looking men all the time, told me that sex is the "easiest thing" for him to get, and good bye. Yikes. Seems I ruffled someone's feathers.

Exhibit C
I was really hoping K was different. We texted for several days and spoke on the phone a few times. He wasn't rushing anything. One afternoon he texted me to say that he changed his prior plans for the evening because he wanted to take me out for dinner and drinks and a movie instead. Finally!!! A real date. I was excited. However, over the next few hours the plans changed to just dinner, and then to just drinks. And then he insinuated that we would be spending the night together. When I texted back "I'm looking for more than a hook-up. We are on the same page, right?" he got defensive, said he didn't need me because he could hook himself up, and told me to "enjoy your day" (i.e. kiss off!). Another one bites the dust.

So that's it. I give up for now. The examples above are only the latest in a long string of men who want all the benefits of a relationship but don't want to exert any effort into earning my trust, respect or admiration. My theory is that women are so eager for love that they have set the bar too low and men have gotten lazy. When sex is easier to get, love is harder to find.

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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Confessions of a Southern slut, part 3

Posted By on Tue, Jan 21, 2014 at 9:30 AM

I was whining to my friends about spending the holidays sans boyfriend, so they decided to cheer me up with a night at the club. Short skirts and high heels have a way of making a girl feel invincible. 2013 was a year of heartbreak and defeat. I needed to exorcise some demons.

I walked in and instantly locked eyes with the kind of guy who makes me swoon. (Yes, even sluts swoon.) He was 6'2" with dark skin and broad shoulders. He was smiling and dancing and he motioned for me to join him. I made my way toward him and when he put his hands on my hips, I felt shivers. He was electric. I know that sounds incredibly asinine, but it's true. I had planned to be strong that night, but after one song, he had me wet and wondering exactly how perfect his ass was.

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Friday, January 10, 2014

My first time in bed with a woman (w/ update)

Posted By on Fri, Jan 10, 2014 at 3:23 PM

Mutual friends told me she was creative and passionate and a bit quirky - just my kind of gal. When we initially met for lunch at Levant in Uptown, I assumed we were going to have a friendly "meeting of the minds" to discuss networking, writing and Charlotte's socio-political climate. Then, as we were settling the bill and gathering our things to head back to work, she surprised me with an invitation. Rather business-like, she asked me if I would like to join her in bed. After a moment's hesitation, I agreed. Even though we had only met an hour earlier, we had a connection. We set a date for a few weeks later. I wasn't quite sure what was in store, but I enjoyed the anticipation.

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  • Donald Devet

When I arrived at her home, I was nervous. She greeted me at the door wearing nothing but a lilac negligee and bright red lipstick. (Gulp!) She offered me a drink, but I declined. I went directly to the guest bathroom and stared into the mirror. What was I thinking? How do I keep getting myself in these situations? Why do I agree to do things that terrify me? I gave myself a short pep-talk and gathered my courage. I changed into a pink nightgown, newly purchased for this special occasion, smoothed my hair, and put on a fresh coat of lipstick. I opened the door and stepped bravely into the unknown.

Not only did we get into bed together, but we did it under hot lights and in front of a camera. Yes, friends, I joined Joanne Spataro on the set of "Pillow Talk." What did you think I was talking about? Sorry to disappoint you. Yes, I did get into bed with a woman, but no it was not to have sex. It was to talk about sex - something I find incredibly satisfying, but in a wholly different way.

Joanne is a contributor to Creative Loafing and a blogger at The Huffington Post. She writes about LGBT issues and gender politics. She is also the creator and star of several YouTube episodes of Look It's Joanne. Recently, she has developed "Pillow Talk," a series of filmed short interviews with local folks, conducted in the comfort of her big pink bed.

I assume she asked me to be one of her guests because she thought I would be saucy and provocative and maybe a bit naughty. But alas, I fear I was none of those things. I went into sex nerd mode instead of sex kitten mode. Seriously, I was in a pink nightie, in bed with a woman and a giant vulva pillow, and I was boring!?!?! I hope my saucy side shines through but I won't know until I see the finished product. Episodes begin airing on Jan. 14, and mine will air just in time for Valentine's Day. Click here for a sneak peek.

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The man with two penises answers your questions (nsfw photo)

Posted By on Fri, Jan 10, 2014 at 2:37 PM

A few days ago, an anonymous man known only as "The Double Dick Dude" (DDD) made waves online when he exposed his two, fully functioning penises to the world. Naturally the public had many questions and the man had many answers, along with plenty of photos to corroborate his story.

DDD was born with a nongenetic condition known as diphallia. Despite DDD's claims that growing up with two functioning penises was less than amazing, his anatomical anomaly did seem to get him into far more sexual adventures than the average male in his early twenties. DDD reports that he has had double blow jobs with many different partners. He also claims he has used both dicks to simultaneously penetrate both female and male partners. Despite the growing public desire to see his two penises in action, DDD is adamant that he will not do porn or release a sex tape.

After the jump is one of the extraordinary pictures DDD posted on his Twitter page, @DiphallicDude, and answers to frequently asked questions he posted on his tumblr page, diphallicdude.tumblr.com.

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Thursday, January 2, 2014

Is it possible for men to just cuddle?

Posted By on Thu, Jan 2, 2014 at 10:46 AM

I have toyed with the idea of hosting a cuddle party - a safe space for people to enjoy nonsexual touch. I've never been to one, but I see their significance. Skin hunger is a real thing. We are made to give and receive touch, and without it we suffer.

Psychologists who have studied skin hunger find that those who have less access to touch (what I call "affection deficit disorder") show greater incidences of depression and stress, and have poorer general health. Just as orphaned babies who are not held experience a "failure to thrive," so do adults. People now touch their cellphones more than they touch each other, and reports of loneliness are up 16 percent over the previous decade. Despite all of our online "connections" we are enjoying less skin-to-skin contact.

I would argue that it's not only an increase in the quantity of the touch that we need, but an increase in the quality, too. I'm not much of a hugger, but there is a guy friend at work who gives the best hugs. Every time I see him, we exchange a long, firm hug. It instantly makes me feel better. It's not my imagination. Hugs release a feel-good chemical cocktail of endorphins, serotonin and oxytocin. When I feel like I am awash in a sea of work and obligations and deadlines, it feels so good to be held down for a minute. It feels comforting to be connected and grounded, in a very real way, to a friend.

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