Happy New Year to all. Every year around this time, members of the media develop mysterious powers that allow them to predict events of the coming year. I’m happy to say that I’ve finally gotten my share of the forecasting mojo, too. So here we go, with headlines and stories you may see in the news during the upcoming 12 months. OK, I’m not exactly predicting these stories will happen, but hey, we can dream, right?
Panthers win Super Bowl! Running back DeAngelo Williams of the Carolina Panthers scored the winning touchdown as time ran out to beat the Indianapolis Colts 41-38 in the most exciting Super Bowl ever. Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith, who had 110 receiving yards for the day, punched out an NBC reporter who kept asking him about his pre-season fracas with cornerback Ken Lucas.
Gauvreau, Dunlap agree to ‘Mouth of Hell’ wrestling match: Two of Charlotte’s mouthiest officials have agreed to face off in a “Thundercage” wrestling match that could leave the area a little quieter. School board jerk Larry Gauvreau, whose self-important rants and confusing arguments have disrupted many board meetings, will fight County Commissioner George Dunlap, whose arrogance and contempt for anyone but George Dunlap has astonished citizens for years. The pair will meet in what promoters bill as the “Mouth of Hell” Thundercage Match, during which they will fight in a large, domed structure of steel bars surrounding a ring, until one man cannot continue. Gauvreau and Dunlap have agreed that the loser of the match will have his mouth sewn shut for a year.
United Way board, King dragged through streets: A week after the Wall Street riots that saw financiers abused by crowds of enraged taxpayers, leaders and employees of Charlotte non-profit groups took matters into their own hands. Last night, in response to the endless United Way scandal, former United Way CEO Gloria Pace King and board members who approved King’s million-dollar retirement package were hogtied, bungee-corded to the bumpers of several Ford pickups, and dragged to the county line, where they were released and urged to keep moving, according to police reports. No arrests were made, as police officers, speaking anonymously, reported wanting to avoid “getting the same treatment if we take those clueless suits’ side in this.” In a possibly related incident, former Wachovia CEO Ken Thompson, whose decision to acquire Golden West Financial eventually destroyed one of the city’s corporate mainstays, was found last night — naked, tarred and feathered — next to a dumpster behind former Wachovia headquarters Uptown. Police are investigating.
NASCAR Hall site to become homeless center: Mayor Pat McCrory and City Council, one day after enacting a Living Wage ordinance for city employees, agreed to kill plans for the NASCAR Hall of Fame Uptown and, instead, will turn the building, when completed, into a homeless “center.” The center will include beds, showers, job training, job interview classes and counseling. “Hey, the Hall was a good idea,” said McCrory, “but with NASCAR’s future in doubt because of the economic hard times, the city has more important issues to worry about.”
Liddy Dole OKs action figure: Former U.S. Sen. Elizabeth “Liddy” Dole has signed with Mattel to promote its latest toy, a “Senior Barbie Action Figure” which, says Dole, “will teach American girls how to properly put on make-up, fix their hair, use their husband’s position to launch their careers, and sit around doing nothing.” Mattel announced that the action figure would include a wardrobe and a toy hypodermic needle with “Botox squirting action!”
Obama doubles down: Continuing his string of quick legislative victories, President Obama yesterday signed bills critical to his “Yes We Gotta” national recovery plan. Obama’s signature put in place both a massive program to rebuild the nation’s railways, roads and public transportation, and a national health insurance plan that guarantees full health insurance for all Americans. Members of Congress reported feeling massive pressure from voters.
Observer earns unexpected profit: The Charlotte Observer announced it had earned a 35 percent increase in profits during the last fiscal quarter. Publisher Ann Caulkins stated, “We’re gratified that readers have responded to our new initiatives to regain their trust. We thought we were taking a chance by cutting the sports section in half and all but eliminating celebrity items. It turns out, however, that people really do pick up our paper in order to be better informed about the issues. We’re pleased to be a part of this new enthusiasm for daily papers. I think the Detroit and Chicago papers’ problems were a real wake-up call, not just for the industry, but for our readers as well.”
Limbaugh, Hannity retire: Bowing to public pressure and the overwhelming popularity of a new presidential administration, ultra-conservative broadcasters Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity announced their retirements yesterday. A spokesman for Limbaugh said, “Hey, we had a good run and made a ton of money off millions of people’s gullibility and ignorance, so it’s all good.”
This article appears in Dec 30, 2008 – Jan 6, 2009.
