Let me preface this by sharing that I am open to whatever your belief system is or in some cases is not.
Whatever gives you peace and direction is good with me, but what I abhor is when folks become sanctimonious and aggressive in assuming that I must share the same belief system as they do.
For the last few months, I have been innundated by what I refer to as the “drive-by saints.” You know, the folks who show up on the weekends or on a weekday evening after you are finally home after working like a dog all day then they want to take up an hour of the 3.5 hours you have to yourself before going to bed and getting up to start the grueling process of conformity all over again. Really?
It all started last month when I was on my way out to an early Saturday morning appointment and I heard a knock at my door. Now, all of my friends and family know that unless they are being inducted into the witness protection program and this is their last chance to say farewell, then you are not going to just show up at my spot unannounced.
I looked through the peep hole and there is this older black couple looking stern. I open the door to both greet and exit and she immediately starts her pitch. “Good morning, do you have a few minutes to discuss your faith?”
I politely reply “No, sorry I am on my way to an appoinment.”
“Well, can I leave this pamphlet with you and I can come back another time. When is a good time?” the saint asks. I take the pamphlet and brush past them to continue down the stairs while explaining over my shoulder that I am busy with an erratic schedule. I exhale — knowing I have escaped the first step of indoctrination — but I see them still standing in front of my door looking at each other in some weird X Files exchange that reads, “This one can be assimilated.” I shrug it off and head to my appointment.
I remember reading that ants will leave an invisible pheromone trail that allows other ants to follow them to food, water, shelter or even receive messages in the scent. I think my front door was smeared with some kind of drive-by saints pheromone that told other saints there was a potential heathen ripe for the picking inside. Because the saints activity really increased after that encounter.
The next Saturday, it was the same routine, only this time the silent male partner has returned with another older brother. I guess he is the muscle. A similar routine starts.
“You are a busy man,” the muscle offers. Smiling slightly I reply, “Yes, between work and classes,” I respond. “Are you in school?” the muscle asks. “No, it’s my class. I’m the teacher.” I respond. The silent partner and muscle exchange a quick glance. I wonder whether they get extra points for converting an educator.
The next few weeks saw a steady flow of saints to my door. Side note, why do the saints only seem to stalk the “‘hood?” I never see them in ritzy neighborhoods. Are they under the impression that folks in the ‘hood are in more need of saving?
Anyway, the word was out somehow because I got buzzed by an older white couple that left more literature at my door. Then there was another group of women who cruised by for some light unsolicited conversation about my soul.
One evening, just as I was about to get into Modern Family, a young black dude and white dude invited me to bible study. I was starting to wonder if I was being punked by some new reality series. Another night, I saw two young Mormon dudes at my door and I was tempted to play RuPauls Drag Race loudly on the television while they made their pitch at the door, but I thought that would only put me higher on the heathen list of potential converts.
A few Saturdays ago, I was coming out of my place and there were three older black men making the rounds. One of them spoke and asked about my faith. I responded that my grandfather was a minister to which the saint responded I did not ask about your grandfather I want to know your belief. I had enough.
I took a breath and I responded that my grandfather was a man of faith that did not force his beliefs on anyone but lived his life in a way that folks wanted to know more naturally. The saint was (finally) left speechless as I turned and walked away.
This article appears in Mar 23-29, 2016.
I love this article! You had me dying laughing! Great perspective about Bible Thumpers and warm weather. They can be some very persistent people who don’t like the word ‘no’! Lol
I had a encounter with this recently. Someone that I knew in childhood, was trying force their beliefs on whoever didnt agree, and discredit what some scholars have been sharing for 20+ years. Sad to say this person went as far as to bring my character into question. If religion is supposed to be about love, there needs to be a re-training session for how to display that love across the board. I am unapologetic about the way I think and it should be respected. This article was extremely on point and I’m glad to know that there are other people out there who are also on the non-religious tip.
When I was a kid. I remember a knock on our front door. I looked thru the peephole and saw it was Jehovah’s Witnesses. I told my Mom and she said, “I’m not answering that door.” I had to go to work, so I exited the back door, got into my car and drove away. I still remember the look on their faces when they realized I split on them.
@mqj18 I get that they are happy about their beliefs but why do you have to chase folks down….lol thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
@cole butler I think the political slant and big money rhetoric have turned a lot of people off but the sad thing is if most were committed to the basic principles of looking out for your fellow man then maybe more folk would welcome a conversation about faith. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
@drew Kinney Oh no not the backdoor stunt….lol If I don’t walk door to door to discuss film theory or the cultural nuances of the Golden Girls then I do no not want folks at my door to discuss anything unsolicited. Thank you for reading and sharing your memory.
HA! Welcome to the wonderful world of the Saturday Morning Saints. The Mormons, Jehova Witnesses, and others will start coming out now that its getting warm, just like bees.
I wish I got these visits. I never do. And I’ve lived everywhere from the hood to the ritzy neighborhoods (rented in the latter, lol). I’d love to have an intellectual dialogue with those folks.
That is too funny. I think you gave them a challenge. I can envision them all sitting around together discussing their “military strategy”. Lol
Very funny! My encounters are short and sweet. They say hello and I say I’m an Atheist and they’re gone. Conversation over. Best deterrent ever!
@BrandonIamHiphop King man and they are out in force….lol Thank you for reading Sir!
@Rusty Sheridan Be careful what you ask for man…lol Once they have you on their radar there is no escaping.
@Linda Peace They were on me like a tick….lol Thank you for reading and sharing.
@Tmarshall lol now that is a sure way to shut down the conversation. Thank you for reading and sharing.
Funny stuff. I wouldn’t say I live in a ritzy neighborhood, but it’s pretty solidly up in the upper middle/lower upper designation. And yes, the Saints do come knocking on our door. Mostly Jehovah’s Witnesses but there are others as well. I usually let them know pretty immediately that I’m not in the market for salvation.
Anyway, keep up the good work.
Also, if you have a moment, I’d like to speak with you about your spiritual needs…..
LOL… Faith is deeply personal for me. And for that reason, I do not want to be broadsided by it with all the burnish of a 90s summer high schooler’s magazine spiel to offset college tuition. We realize that everyone sells us everywhere—home, in and outside of stores, restaurants, on and through electronic devices— and some of it admittedly we think is creative and even will find an official go-fund-me spirit in us for a few dollars. But proselytizing for all it’s little old ladies, deep-voiced authoritarian men or even Easter Sunday basket toting youngsters seems to assign more than it asks, dictate more than it derive when it comes to moral attitudes, dispositions and approaches. I refuse to be bum rushed. I am first to verbalize and commit to eye contact that say “Thanks for the interest but I have other approaches to which I am committed. Have a good day.” If they repeat I say no thanks again. I keep walking, not answering anything afterward. When I feel targeted where I live, I have been known to ask if calling the leadership to have my house removed from listing will help maximize their efforts in favor of more suitable areas. Turning the pitch works for me. Seeing the hardliners turn and head in the opposite direction, all the more…
I just said to Dawn that since living in NC, in predominantly “other” neighborhoods we have never gotten knocks on our doors or seen the groups making rounds. I believe that certain neighborhoods are targeted which is interesting and speaks to the idea that some folks need saving more than others when the fact is that people are people and if you have found a good thing why wouldn’t you want to share it with everyone. It perpetuates racism, separatism, and classism. Enlightening piece as usual Mr. Easley
@VC oh not not you too….lol Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on this topic.
@Tony Tony Stark I am with you because I have been hit with all the above, elder ladies, groups of men, children I am waiting for the assistance dogs to show up with a sign scratching at the door. I admire your resolve and restraint….lol. Thank you for reading and sharing some of your best practices.
@icydew You are so correct that if it is indeed a good thing then it should be equally shared. I remember doing church outreach when I was younger but it was in the form of going into the community and working with the elderly or picking up trash to show our work through our deeds rather than just talk. Thank you for reading and sharing your views.