Would it kill you to call, Bush?

By Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

So, Mr. Bush, your trip to the Middle East has come to a close. Good! I am almost as overjoyed at the news you are leaving as I was to find out you wouldn’t be visiting me during your visit. Why wouldn’t I be happy? I was hoping that you would only have time to visit Israel, Palestine, Kuwait, Bahrain, The United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, and Egypt. That’s why I called you, (on your house and cell phones, as well as leaving messages with your secretary and Dick Cheney’s secretary), just so that I could make sure you didn’t try to schedule a visit with me.

Even had you wanted to visit, I would not have had time for you. Believe me, it’s hard enough finding time to keep in touch with all my many many friends, all of whom are constantly asking — begging — to schedule official visits with me, have lunch with me, or just hang out with me. In fact, I’m glad that you didn’t even ask, because it would have been awkward for me to have to deny you so soundly.

Yes, it’s best that you didn’t even try to get in touch with me, that is for sure. Despite me texting you and all. Funny how you found time to make it to Bahrain though. I am just saying you could have made an attempt. Last I heard, nobody was ever stoned for picking up the phone once in a while.

News Groper features more than 50 parody blogs by politicians, celebrities, business tycoons, and foreign despots.

This article appears in Jan 16-22, 2008.