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Adventures In Modern Listing 

Lists, Lists, and More Lists

1. Introduction

2. Write introduction, explaining why we're filling most of an issue with lists.

3. Lists are one of the most universally shared artifacts of postmodern culture, so we decided to experiment with expressing our views and our takes on contemporary life via a commonly seen, yet sorely underrated, medium.

4. Come down off your high horse.

5. Everyone makes lists and everyone likes reading other people's lists.

6. That's more like it.

7. Here you'll find a laundry list of lists from CL staffers covering a wide range of topics and interests, some serious, some humorous, and some both, plus a few head-scratchers.

8. There are yet more lists in this issue, in our music, movies, food and drink, and books sections.

9. Not to mention our regular listings (please note the subtle difference).

10. Hope you have as much fun reading these as we had writing them.

-John Grooms

Top Dozen Afterlife Possibilities

1 You will float around semi-conscious in a kind of amorphous slop and wonder, "This is it?!"

2 Reincarnation, in which your soul will come back to the physical plane (e.g., High Point or Shoney's) in a new body, as part of an eons-long inner trek toward God.

3 Heaven, where you'll be in God's presence forever and reunite with everyone you've ever known (or at least the ones who've made it to heaven too).

4 Hell, where you will burn in an eternal lake of fire, while agonizing over the loss of God's presence and have to hang out with evildoers like Hitler, Osama bin Laden, or Dick Cheney.

5 Purgatory, where you'll suffer the pains of separation from God but after awhile you'll be OK and go on up to Heaven (no word on passing Go or collecting $200).

6 Limbo, where you'll wonder why you were sent to a place with only dead, unbaptized babies.

7 A Greek guy will take you on a boat over the River Styx. Be sure to tip him.

8 The Happy Hunting Grounds, where the Great Spirit will let you hunt and be with your friends and family to your heart's content. Euro-Americans need not apply.

9 Tele-gatory, where it will take you many years to be a winning contestant on at least one episode of every TV game show that's ever aired. Afterward, you get a lot of parting gifts as you toddle off to Heaven.

10 Headbangia, where you will enjoy -- including refreshments, drugs, and friends -- an everlasting Judas Priest concert.

11 Libritopia, in which you will have all the time you need to read all the books you didn't have time to get around to in this life, and no one will interrupt you with their trivial concerns, e.g., vacuuming, getting your car's oil changed, etc.

12 Cirque du So Lame, kind of Hell Lite, where you have to repeatedly hear yourself speaking some of the lamest things you said during your life, including the smarmy "aren't I cool" tone you took when you said them. This particular afterlife is, for some mysterious reason, also inhabited by oddly dressed acrobats and aerialists who don't know how dorky and pretentious they are.

-- John Grooms

8 Worst Pick-Up Lines Actually Heard

1. Hey, wanna fuck and order pizza? What -- you don't like pizza?

2. Do you sleep on your stomach? Do you mind if I do?

3. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

4. Is that a keg in your pants? "Cause I'd love to tap that ass.

5. What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?

6. (Use index finger to call someone over, then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

7. Is that a Tic-Tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me?

8. Moustache rides! 25 cents!

-- Lindsey Herman

Lynn Wheeler's Private To Do List

1. Start day off right with new dress and a fresh "quarter-pounder" of make-up -- ALWAYS REMEMBER: dress should be "Sophisticute"! Don't forget quickie eye liner and mascara using "trick" telescope.

2. Do my hair.

3. Re-do make-up, then re-do hair again.

4. Be sure shoes match new dress in both indoor and outdoor lighting.

5. Look over agenda for next City Council meeting, get bored when I notice there are no developer rears to smooch this evening, throw agenda away.

6. Meet with You Know Who (Mr. Wealthy Developer #1), promise the moon. Re-do hair and make-up.

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